Look at Original Sin With New Eyes

Nobody likes the idea of original sin. The people of today's world like to choose which beliefs suit them and "original sin" certainly does not suit them. If I were shopping for beliefs, I'm sure I wouldn't buy that one. Who would?

"Original sin" may be the two most important words you will ever hear. And, as strangely paradoxical as this may sound, if you hear them, while listening with an open mind, you will understand something beautiful. You will understand how much God loves you. You will understand how to be joyful and at peace. 

But, if you close your ears to hearing these two words, and close your mind to taking in their meaning, any experience you may have of spiritual freedom will be counterfeit. 

Once upon a time, in a galaxy (thankfully) now far, far away in my mind, I was told a little story. It went something like this:

A baby is born in perfection, radiating perfect love. But, later the people and culture surrounding the child convince him that he is imperfect. They are all lying to him! How the people appeared before him who were imperfect and able to spread the imperfection came to be is a mystery, but that's what happened.

Because, you see, Adam and Eve never really left the Garden of Eden. We're still in there. The problem is that we can't see the truth that is around us. We believe we are walking around in a broken world,  but this is nothing but a "bad dream" based on lies about our imperfection. That is what the knowledge of "good and evil" was- The lie that there really is good and evil. There really was no original sin, but only an original judgment, which began when Eve and Adam ate the forbidden fruit and gained that "knowledge."

If we can extricate ourselves from judging ourselves, life's situations and others, we can return to the innocence of realizing we are perfect and our world is perfect. As a result, the Garden of Eden, Heaven on Earth, will appear to us. 

Sound extreme? Although it is the norm in our culture to shun judgment of others, some take it to its natural extreme conclusion and it becomes a "spiritual path." It's not just a philosophy, but a dedicated lifestyle. 

What do I see happening here? Fifty shades of profound loss.

The story you have just read is perfectly plausible if you deny original sin. As I pointed out, who wouldn't want to deny it? It's not an enjoyable idea, and it's certainly not an "empowering" one. But, let me explain to you the outcome of not believing in original sin, and perhaps you will see how harmful the denial of original sin can be.

I spent over six years trying to create Heaven on Earth by training myself not to judge anything. And the condition of my soul, by the time I found out the real truth, was dead.

What is lost when original sin is denied?

God can't get through to us. He can't strengthen what isn't weak, heal what isn't sick, fix what isn't broken. 

Of course, the point of being born perfect is that you are also born all powerful and can accomplish all that strengthening, healing and fixing just by denying, denying, denying original sin. If you deny it well enough, you will feel happy, like the dear little carefree child you once were. 

Yes, it would be great if it worked this way. The problem is that it doesn't. Just like children who aren't able to feed and clothe themselves from the moment they are born, we always need to depend on what is beyond ourselves. 

We are created for God and we weren't meant to live and operate without our connection with Him. 

If we deny that there is any God beyond ourselves; believe that we are that God; or that someone else is a god; that all of us are one god together; that we don't need God because we can tap into some place called the "source," or any other variant of this denial, we're missing exactly the same boat.

With an understanding of original sin comes the understanding that we are not in Eden any longer. 

Our first ancestors disobeyed God and as a consequence, that door to Eden was shut. We were born outside Eden as a consequence of what they did. The world outside of Eden is a broken one. And suffering and evil are randomly unleashed on the earth in ways that are not just or fair. 

God loves us too much to leave us like that, abandoned, outside of the world He intended for us. 

Disobedience is what caused our first parents to sin, and they disobeyed based on the pride that they wanted to be gods and not need God. When we return to Him and admit we need His help, His guidance, His mercy and His love, the doors are open once again to paradise. When we return with humility and with obedience (the opposite traits to the ones our original parents had), we are able to repent and break free. 

One reason original sin is a hard idea to take in is that it makes us feel "originally puny" when we think about it. Nobody wants to feel puny, or bad just for being born. However, I don't mind feeling puny anymore, because now I can accept the love and mercy of the omnipotent Creator of the universe who cares about each soul as if it is His only one. 

I'm talking about restoring natural connections that were broken when I talk about original sin. We are floundering in an unnatural state when we resist the idea of original sin, which negates the possibility of an antidote. 

If we don't accept the illness, we can't receive the medicine. 

And our souls die. 

Tiny Star

Let me be your little nothing,
whom you love with all your heart.
Let me be your glory's mirror;
may my pride receive no part.

Let me be your emptiness,
to give you room to live.
Let me offer up your majesty;
I have no more to give.

Let me be your tiny star,
obscured by clouds and night.
Only you shall see me there
and keep my flame alight.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton
03/29/2015

1 a.m. Prayer for Forgetting

Do you remember a dream
that was not about you?
Did it torment or soothe you 

or did neither one matter,
not thinking of you?

What did you see?
What did you hear?

Where were you,
or, did you wonder that?

Was it surreal 
or so real that you froze there?

Did you try to remember
yourself,
but could not?

Tell me,
If you have been there,
please, 

for I can't remember
not remembering me.

I implore you,
Teach me the way.

-Laura Marie Paxton,
09/17/14, 1 a.m.

Help Me Serve You, Lord

Help me serve you Lord, for I am too accustomed to serving mainly myself.

Help me serve you, Lord, with  all my heart and all my mind, for I am too used to the distraction of my selfish interests.

Help me serve you, Lord, for my salvation lies only in your service. To desire and to pursue becoming a master of others, a hero or a show-off is to choose the path taken by the evil one. 

Help me serve you, Lord, for only you can save us, have saved us, and will always save us. I know the path of self-glorification best and I don't have much experience with following your path. 

Help me serve you, Lord, for all you've ever done is serve us, while I complain and am ungrateful, as if you owe me something.

Help me serve you Lord, for you created a beautiful world. We were selfish and ungrateful, so you took on flesh and sacrificed that flesh to show us how there is no greater love than to seek to do your will through service. I am caught up in myself and I actually ignore how you gave me your all.

Help me serve you, Lord, for you are always there to save me, but in my selfish blindness, I demand that others rescue me and do your job as Savior.

Help me serve you, Lord, because all I seem to want to do is prove my worth and importance to you and to others through the "good" and "helpful" things I do.

Help me serve you, Lord, for only you can and have made a worthy sacrifice. Don't accept my gifts when they are tainted by my pride. Please, Lord, don't let me insult you that way.

Help me serve you, Lord. I am no good at this.

Lord, have mercy.

Amen.

Laura Marie Paxton
09/05/14

Hypomania. Here's How To Manage It.

Hypomania. 

What is hypomania?

If you are not bipolar, "hypomania" may be a normal, pleasant part of your personalty. Some people are naturally high-energy and don't need much sleep. Hypomania won't make you have problems in your life. You won't fall into depressive episodes in your life either. And yes, you are very, very lucky. 

If you are bipolar, hypomania is a low-grade mania. If you are Bipolar, Type II, this is the worst your mania will get. It can cause problems for you with making poor, impulsive decisions. It can "crash" into a deep depression that could be morbidly deep. So, yes, you do need to manage your hypomania, because it can do a lot of damage in your life.

But, unless you are Bipolar, Type I,  it won't grow and exacerbate to the point where it can make you psychotic or need to be hospitalized. Hypomania, for Bipolar I, is a sign that you are not stable and you are in danger of attaining great heights of instability. Sadly, I am a Bipolar I. Happily, I now know what to do about this problem.

Experienced sufferers of Bipolar I may go into terror when they hear their doctor tell them they are "hypomanic." Will the mania grow to an all-consuming point where you will be unable to contain your behavior? Truthfully, you don't know. Even with the best hypomania management techniques, there are no guarantees. Yet, if you don't try, it's likely your hypomania will escalate.

So, here is a very simple guide of what to do.

(1) Stop Freaking Out About It: "Freaking out" and worrying about it and feeling powerless and helpless will ramp hypomania up.

(2) Let the people you are closest to and see most often know the symptoms of hypomania and ask them to point them out to you when they see them. 

Common Early Symptom List:
*Intense, high-anxiety.
*Unusually strong irritability.
*Behavior out of the ordinary for you (You might hear people say, "You're not acting like yourself.")
*Ability to do much more work than usual, more efficiently.
*Something traumatic happens and you feel no reaction. "I must be dealing with this really well!" Um, no. (Caveat: Yes, you may be learning to cope better- Yet numbness followed by euphoria may indicate that you have been blindsided by something.)
*Intensely happy, out of the blue, for absolutely no reason. "Wow. What happened? Was I just enlightened?" Um, no.

Full List: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/hypomanic-episode-symptoms/

(3) Follow your doctor's instructions to the letter even when that is the last thing in the world you want to do- and it will be. (If you are laughing hysterically alone in your apartment like you are naturally blissfully high, do you really want to take that pill your doctor said to take right away to make it stop?) I can answer that easily for you. NO, you will certainly NOT want to do that.

SO.. Poster time. Post, somewhere in your home, what can happen if you do not follow your doctor's instructions.

Sample Poster Contents:
*Mania feels good but mania will not be good if I let it control me.
*Mania can land me in the hospital.
*Mania can quickly lead to bankruptcy.
*Mania leads me to do things I'm ashamed of later.
*Mania scares my family.
*Mania can crash into severe depression.
Stop. Do all you can to make it stop. (Personalize this more based on your experience.)

(4) Do Things You Really Should Be Doing Anyway:

Go intentionally slowly about your life. LOTS of pauses. LOTS of breaks. REST. Take a "thought vacation." Very little about what you think about while you are manic is meaningful and that often feels overwhelming and frustrating. So, don't even bother trying to figure some things out. Accept confusion for now. Remember- You are not well. So, treat yourself like it. Relax.

DO correct errors in logic. Practice mindfulness more conscientiously. Take almost nothing you are worried about or fixated on seriously. Live your life in little "bites," even though you want to woof it all down at once! Breathe more. Walk more. The storms can pass instead of escalate. But, monitor, monitor, monitor and take care, care, care. Make relaxation a primary goal.

(5) Ride it out, and as long as you are doing what your doctor said, enjoy the creative flood you may be having. Sometimes, hypomania gives you ideas for new projects and the impetus to start to carry them out. As it grows toward increased mania, however, your thoughts will get so scattered and overwhelming, your work will lose focus completely. Watch the process. Monitor and tell your doctor when you start to see this.

Crisis Plan: How To Nip It In The Bud Early

Stressful events and trauma can immediately trigger bipolar disorder, creating a mess of misfired neurotransmitters and chemical flooding. So, make a list in advance of what you will do, step by step, as soon as you have the awareness that something traumatic or stressful has happened to you, even if you don't feel a thing. Follow this list very carefully. 

#1 should be, "Call your doctor." Yes, your doctor. Call him before you call your family, your therapist or your minister. Doctor. He needs to know you need more monitoring. #2 and the rest are up to you, but "choice options" are best. For example: "I will sit and say certain prayers OR I will call my Aunt Mary." You don't know what you'll be in the mood for, but you will need simple choices, so don't give yourself more than two to choose from for each line. Write down your own personalized steps for crisis time. Add your crisis plan to your poster of why you need to do what your doctor says. That's the best idea.

Possible Other Helps:

* Intensely emotional music. Some recommend not listening to intense music, because it could make you more emotional, but intense music contains my hypomania. Unsure why. I have really strong feelings, get tired and let go of them when the song is over. So, give me Imogen Heap or Regina Spektor, Rachmaninoff, or Andrea Bocelli. I don't care the style. Just give me intense. For others, soothing music might be better, but I am just not a "Yanni person."

*Take your mind off worry with art, poetry or musical composition. 

*Meditation and prayer.

Strange Islands Beyond the Self-Absorbed

As I was walking home from mass today, I noticed that I was standing in an odd place. Why was I there? I had walked a block from where I needed to turn to go home and I had not noticed anything on my way. My last memory was of crossing the street two blocks before and from that point, my legs moved, but I was lost in my mind.

Of course, most people and not just autistics wander off in their thoughts and get physically lost occasionally.  Yet, this experience is often frequent in autistic adults as well as children. Sometimes, it's called, "wandering," and it can be quite dangerous, especially when children do it. In my case today, it was simple to change my path to walk home, but I cannot recall the number of times this sort of thing has happened to me. At times of my life, especially under stress, it's more the rule than the exception.

The comical part of all this is the content of the thoughts I was having. I was deeply pondering and contemplating why I am often so self-absorbed! Oh, wow. This is the very thing I've been "working on" in my spiritual life lately, and I was too self-absorbed to see it! So, I actually stopped and laughed a little bit, (well, actually I giggled pretty intensely,) out of the blue- also a very autistic thing to do.  I did not care who might be looking on at the "loony girl."

On the way home, I was careful to look around and watch the trees and flowers. I really enjoyed the sense of being more open to the world. I did not want to look at the people, and that is common for me.

The social world is not a "safe place" for autistic people.  The social world is a mass of confusing things- Nonverbal communication is supposed to be 80% of communication and my brain has no area  that works to process such things. I know I'm missing a lot. By only hearing the words, I cannot detect deceit. I also don't pick up on insincerity well. I have to be careful to try to take in the overall context of the conversation anyway, so that I don't say something socially that doesn't "fit," and embarrass myself or offend another person.

People are also over-stimulating in themselves. Just watching their face while I hear their voice can be overwhelming. So, social time is tiring, to say the least.. and the better and more convincing I manage to do at it, the more exhausted I am later.

And, of course, this brings me to the topic of how is it that I can be less self-centered, when being inside myself is my sanctuary? At the end of the day, I look back on the times when people tried to share something about themselves to me and I assumed it was all about me, when it wasn't. I want to be more present for people. I want to be a better friend. To do that, I need to take risks and that doesn't mean I feel comfortable with them.

God did not intend a purely contemplative life in a cloister for me. He has called me to be a contemplative in the world. It's the "in the world" part I don't like. Yet, if I can get lost in a book, in artwork or a game or learning coding, I can get lost in a person and what they have to say as well, when I am determined to do that. People should never assume I'm not interested in them or that I don't care about them because of these difficulties, because it usually has little to do with that.

People who need the most love are the least safe. My Secular Carmelite friends are actually perfect friends. They do not gossip. They do not talk negatively about anyone else. If they do, they are running to confession right away! No, I am not worried about any sort of harm from them.

And yet, Jesus Christ calls me to open myself to people, who can be the source of harm, and to a life of loving, giving and service even to the point of the very crucifixion of myself. Now, it would make no sense to continually force myself to socialize to the point of meltdown every day. The trick is to take good care of myself so I can tolerate more and more time with people. To do that, I need to do more than merely monitor and reduce sensory overwhelm.

I need a deeply secure spiritual core, to provide a sense of emotional safety, so that even if I am in a meltdown, I am at peace. (And yes, that is possible, because a meltdown is the involuntary response of the nervous system to overstimulation, not a psychological issue.) We can have migraines and be at peace, so why not in a meltdown? I am learning this.

St. John of the Cross writes often about "strange islands," which is the experience of finding himself in a state of awareness and experience he has never been in before. He is referring to experiences he has within himself with God. For me, the "strange islands" are about taking God with me as I venture into the wilderness of unpredictable and confusing people.

And so, in this way, I hope I find myself "standing in an odd place" more often, with my deep sense of security in God unaltered.

The Eucharist and the “Ghost in the Machine”

As an autistic, I have the unenviable ability to almost completely compartmentalize my intellect from emotions. I go into a “machine mode.”

My friends often have a very unfortunate experience with that. They talk to me while I am in the middle of “implementing my agenda,” and they see that I do not acknowledge their feelings at all. Friends who know me well stop me and say, “Hey, I just poured out my heart to you,” or “I just disclosed something hard for me to say,” and of course, I collapse into a sea of apologies. I don't realize what I did, but of course I want to acknowledge the feelings of my friends!

My autistic reality is not all that different from neurotypical reality. Humans minds work very much like computers, which is why computers are designed based on how our logical intellect works. Our minds are different from computers because emotional drives can dominate our experience. I know all about that too! I have been known to immerse myself in emotion and the “lever” that makes my brain work seems to snap completely off, while emotions drive my life. Whether we are emotionally driven or intellectually detached, we are all divided, unintegrated and crippled in our human experience.

Until we insert the variable of “infinity.”

Infinity. Yes, infinity. The God who exists outside space and time enters our reality in the Eucharist. The God who exists outside space and time enters my body in the Eucharist. The infinite God who created me enters me, body and soul, and begins to thread his infinite Self into my bones and cells. This creates a “jolt” that literally drags me to my knees. I am grateful to know the impact of His infinite love moving through me, joining Himself with my lowly soul.

How must Mary have felt when the infinite God found His home in her womb? I will never know the magnitude of that experience, but I can receive a “taste” of it through my experience of the Eucharist.

Why am I Catholic?

The Eucharist is why. When I was a young protestant, I received the Eucharist without knowing what it was. I immediately wept because I felt in that moment in union with God. It's always been that way for me. The effect of the Eucharist is a stab in my heart that kills me and brings me to life at the same time.

For that instant, I am integrated. I am whole. 

I walk out the door of church and become once again the struggling Secular Carmelite in formation who has difficulty staying dedicated to prayer. I amble about my daily life, continually wondering why my experience in the Eucharist does not stay with me. Thankfully, I let that concern go fairly quickly now, because I realize maintaining a life of service to Him is more important than what I happen to feel, but I still remain bewildered.

Sometimes, it is unclear what really moves me. Once years ago, someone who was working with me started to call me, “The Machine.” That was because I always had a relentless agenda for him to follow. And by relentless, I mean relentless. I should never be in a supervisory position over people. I've always been considered to be hard-driving and that is because “The Machine” that is my mind likes to go nonstop. (Thank God for helpers in my life who help me find balance beyond hyperfocus!) My new study of Xcode to program smartphones is a beautiful haven of structure and logic. I like to enter and shut the doors to the world. But, often, it is difficult for all of us to turn all that off and enter into the softer side of contemplation the machine of our mind longs for.

Human beings also have free will. This is what separates us from animals. Our souls have only one essential choice to make here on earth, "Will we serve God or will we serve ourselves?"

If we do not receive the Holy Spirit in our human lifetimes here in life, the seeds are not planted for eternal life. There is no “Ghost” in our machine. What is our soul apart from God's soul, who created us? How can it survive in any meaningful way? There are many who believe their soul IS actually God's soul and that their mind creates the world. People who take this position live in a counterfeit reality, sadly. Others, who see the Eucharist as a merely “symbolic meal,” or an experience that somehow incorporates “Real Presence,” without being the actual body and blood of Jesus Christ miss out on an immense experience as well.

The Eucharist is more than a “feel good experience,” thankfully. The Eucharist is fuel to go about serving God, infused and strengthened by God Himself. The Eucharist provides the deepest and most intimate connection that man can have with God.

Without that connection, we are alone in our weak human state. We act selfishly. We hurt people's feelings. We damage relationships because we are callous. There is no infinite God to appeal to who can forgive, heal and strengthen us. I constantly and reliably fail but at least that is not the end of my story.

We are more than machines. We need a healthy soul. The soul runs best on the fuel of the Eucharist and nothing else will do.

*http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_in_the_machine

R.I.P. Life

There was once a real world

where wind sang in the trees

and people listened close for sounds of God.

There was once a real world 

where we dreamt our soft dreams

and gentle breezes lifted our prayers.

And here we are now,

between bit and byte,

bleep and blight,

In this digital cemetery

we call our lives.

And the world cries out,

Hey, Look at me, Look at me.

Hear me post, see my face,

I will feed on your likes.

The cacophony, cry of the tech-numbed heart

Pushing man, God and nature further apart.

Burying our souls beneath our screens-

Can you feel? Can you breathe?

Can you look at the stars? 

Do you even remember a time long past,

When your eyes beheld nature

and God’s eyes looked back?

-Laura Marie Paxton,
07/08/14

You Can Help a Priest Improve a Ugandan Village.

Hello and Happy New Year, Everyone!

This is my first blog post of the new year after taking December most of December off. I hope everyone had happy holidays.

There is something I'd like you all to give prayerful consideration to.

Have you ever wished you could really make a difference in life in a third world country? Merely donating money in a haphazard way won't accomplish that.

Enable a spiritual leader and you can strengthen the bodies and souls of an entire village. He will bring people to Christ and provide sacraments. Many of these men plan to dedicate their lives to improving water and education in their communities.

Tuition is cheap by our standards ($250 a semester,) but many of these men are working full time, their families have sold all they have and they still don't have enough money. It's tough in a place where most people only earn about $1 a day.

Some men who have been in seminary for years may have to drop out if they cannot make their tuition payments by the end of January.

Donate anything you can- Even if it's as low as $5 or $10. Share this blog or the Go Fund Me page with your friends. Anything you can do will be helpful, in order to get this campaign off the ground. And bless you! 

 http://www.gofundme.com/5xuy2w

Click the above text link or box below for more information or to donate:

Gratitude- Carmel Heart Media's 1st Birthday!

Carmel Heart Media - The First Year

During this time of Thanksgiving, I am so very grateful for the joy of my work. I'm very grateful to be able to write, edit, publish and create art for issues and causes that are important to me.

In November of 2012, Carmel Heart Media, LLC, was formed. This was after taking a year to develop a business plan and applying for and receiving a grant to get things going.

In our first year, Carmel Heart Media has produced-
*Re-publication of Borderline and Beyond, book and workbook in print and e-book Kindle and Nook and more than twenty other online stores.
*A new app for help with borderline personality treatment in Google Play and the Apple Store.
*Publication of the book, Ordinary Heroes, by Terry Ianora

In December, CHM will be releasing
*Insights from Carmel by Pat Tresselle, OCDS

...and in the new year, hopes to complete publication of
*Autism, the Dogs I Love and Me

Carmel Heart Media has also offered-

*Editing Services for several on-going clients

*Social media management and consulting services

*Web Design

*Graphic Design (book covers and memes)

To help us celebrate our birthday, take a look at the many services and products we're proud to offer. We wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving!

Thanks everyone for your support,
Laura

This is autism.

Autism has been historically portrayed as being a scary and detestable thing. Parents have been horrified to learn their children are autistic. Immediately, many begin to mourn their children's future, as though, just because their child has been labeled autistic, they will probably have no future.

An interesting thing has happened in recent years as autistic children have been growing up and as adults have begun to be diagnosed as well as children. We're discovering that having autism isn't half bad. We've actually started to like ourselves.

I am autistic. Although my life has been very difficult, I wouldn't have it any other way. I cannot drive due to related neurological issues. I have no ability to make spatial maps in my head, so I get lost getting to familiar places on a regular basis. Fire alarms and alarms from emergency vehicles send me into a panic attack state that can ruin hours of an afternoon while I attempt to regain balance. I can only handle dealing with one thing at a time and I need to stay on one topic at a time in conversation, or I become easily overwhelmed. My emotional development has been very slow and will never be like others my age. Although it isn't obvious to many people, social situations are usually hard work for me that leave me feeling exhausted later. The chaos of a period of change and transition, like moving to a new home, can keep me in a constant state of being on the verge of emotional meltdown because I lose the physical bearings that orient me. So, I'm not going to say "This is autism. This is easy."

I will say, "This is autism. This is beauty," however. Here is why- Here are some traits and qualities common in autism that I never want to lose: loyalty, conscientiousness, honesty, sincerity, thoroughness. Also, being detail-oriented, being a natural non-conformist (although not by choice) and being comfortable and happy in solitude. I also like the emotional intensity that accompanies a lot of this for me, because I have to rely on using art and poetry to express it.

Organizations like Autism Speaks are still using scare tactics that make parents feel horrible about having autistic children. As a result, parents scurry about trying one quack cure after another, trying to "fix" their child. Autism Speaks also intimidates people into sending them money for a cure. Since autism is "hard-wired," just like intellectual handicaps, the only way to "fix" it is through genetic research. That is almost all the research Autism Speaks does and it will eventually lead only to identifying the genes for autism so that more of us will be aborted. In other words- Eugenics.

Autism Speaks isn't listening to us, although Autism Speaks claims to be our voice. Even though we have our own voice, they want to shout over it. Autism Speaks executives have high six figure salaries and practically spend more money on jet fuel than goes into their research programs. Don't let Autism Speaks scare you. There's no reason to be afraid of us.

Yes, I have to have help. I have home healthcare assistance several hours a week. I also have a self-employment grant that came from Vocational Rehabilitation. Because of having that help, I'm able to accomplish working towards fulfilling my potential, just as other people do. I am capable of so much more than I knew I could do.

I own my own publishing business and I am also president of a non-profit. I belong to a secular branch of a religious order. But, this blog isn't about my accomplishments. This blog is to say that having autism doesn't have to hold us back in life. Autism can even be a reason to succeed in life.

From a Christian point of view, is autism a "cross to bear" really? In some ways and on some days, it feels like it. But, more often these days, I view my autism as a great blessing. From a spiritual perspective, I've learned that being acutely aware of my weakness and relying on God to do what I cannot has helped strengthen me so that I can handle stress far more easily. I think I'm lucky that I have so many reminders that I need Him. But, above all, I'm grateful to be made the way I am.

This is autism. This is worth it.

Borderline and Beyond App Screenshots

The Borderline and Beyond Smartphone App is available on Google Play and it should be available in the Apple Store today or tomorrow.

What's in the app?

*Complete Ebook- The full text of the original version of Borderline and Beyond

AND many other features-Take a look!

Tab 2- Quick Reference in Crisis

TAB 1- Complete Ebook (Index Shown here)

Tab 3- Positive Reminders

TAB 4- Question Guides- To Help You Think Through Difficult Situations

Result when you click on Question 3 (Above)

Example Question Process-Relationship Category

TAB 5- Info about CHM, with social media links

AND

Tests to Measure Your Progress

The Heartbeat of Jesus, Why I Live

I was wandering the woods in my amnesia, 

Following the lights to scattered campfires, wandering to who knows where.

The moon was full

My heart was hungry

Who am I? Where am I?  So lost, confused and crying.

When my father held me as a baby, his heartbeat soothed my every tear.

When I am close to Jesus, I am near his heartbeat too. 

I am a baby in his arms and His Sacred Heart holds my heart in the safest place I'll ever be.

As I grew older, my dad and I camped by the river. The heartbeat of the river soothed me in the intoxicating laurel thicket where we slept.

Every evening, my dad's friend would say, “This is the life.” 

Years passed when I could not hear that heartbeat. 

All I could hear were chaotic sounds of need and fear, 

frantic crickets and cicadas seeking quickly fleeting mates.

The moon was full

My heart was hungry

Starving, all alone.

One day, I will find myself, floating on my back, nailed to my cross.

I won't move there but I'll be freer than in all my life, alongside of Jesus in that river of peace. 

Indifferent to my pain, my peace will deepen, more than I have ever known. He has shown me that. 

Jesus, floating with me, will say to me, with all delight, “My child, this is the life.”

The Cross, it is the Life, the life that pulls me back into the rhythm of His heart at His breast and the waves in their joy, “My child my child, this is the Only Life.”

My heart is full

As the moon fades into dawn.

Amen.

-Laura Paxton 11/02/2013

My Heroine, St. Teresa of Jesus

Today is the feast day of St. Teresa of  Jesus, also known as St. Teresa of Avila. She is my patron saint and the foundress of my order, the Order of Discalced Carmelites.

Before I became Catholic, I was researching to write a book about contemplative prayer. I read several books by and about famous contemplatives during that time, but the story that struck me the most was that of St. Teresa of Avila. Although she had spent her life as a nun, she did not have a "spiritual awakening," or what could be called a "spiritual conversion experience," until she was in her forties. I approached reading St. Teresa as a woman also in my forties who was disillusioned with life, directionless and wanting something more. 

In popular spirituality, which some refer to as "new age," much is often said about "union with God." Union with God can give unlimited power, bliss and wisdom, they say. Seems everyone has a path to get there, for the right price. Yes, I bought in to it. It's sad to me now that I once believed that good feelings, money and status and power could contribute at all to quality of life. They really don't.

St. Teresa had a similar realization, and wrote:

"I spent nearly 20 years on that stormy sea, often falling in this way and each time rising again, but to little purpose, as I would only fall once more... I can testify that this is one of the most grievous kinds of life which I think can be imagined, for I had neither any joy in God nor any pleasure in the world. When I was in the midst of worldly pleasures, I was distressed by the remembrance of what I owed to God; when I was with God, I grew restless because of worldly affections."

The confirmation saint I chose, when I became Catholic, was St. Teresa of Avila. This is before I even knew there was a Secular order of Discalced Carmelites. My sponsor had given me a book with the lives of the saints in it, and I had considered choosing another one. In the process, I read and became impressed with the lives of many saints, but still my main affection went to St. Teresa.

Only a month or two after my conversion, I met Terry Ianora, director of 1st Way in Eugene, Oregon, who is a Secular Carmelite. Immediately, I wanted to find out more about the order. I spent a year as an aspirant before being accepted into the order's formation program early last summer.

Thank you, St. Teresa, for showing me what life is really all about. It's all about Him. He is all that gives life breath and power and meaning. He gives all purpose and following His will provides all that is satisfying and worth living for.

St. Teresa of Jesus, pray for us.

Borderline is Brave.

"Individuals suffering from borderline personality disorder have often been treated as psychiatric lepers, with treating professionals approaching them armored with rigid boundaries, negative expectations and a poor prognosis. This does not need to be the case. Another alternative exists: to see the individual suffering from this disorder as courageous and full of creative potential."

- Laura Paxton, from Borderline and Beyond, The original edition 

 Just waking up every morning to face the day can be an act of courage for someone suffering from BPD. It is not self-pity or wallowing in turmoil that creates this difficulty. 

A person suffering from BPD continually encounters emotional over-stimulation and overwhelm, often beyond his or her capacity to cope. This is through no fault of their own, but through having a different threshold for stress. Other conditions have similar low thresholds at times, such as autism, PTSD and ADHD. 

However, in addition to this greater propensity to overwhelm, a person with BPD  must face a lifetime of learning basic skills that most others take for granted, such as distress tolerance and alternatives to self-harming behavior. 

Every day presents a challenge in facing fear and coping effectively. This can be exhausting for many. Sometimes, trauma from the past must be worked through in therapy. 

While it might be easier to turn to alcohol, drugs or cutting, a borderline in recovery works very hard to stand up to many fears. To be borderline and recovering is to be brave, and that is commendable and worthy of respect.

Borderline is Beautiful

"Since I believe every hardship has a hidden blessing somewhere inside of it, I will say that borderlines are more aware of their connectedness to nature, feeling intensely connected with the environment, including the effects of subtle changes in weather. Borderlines are often more sensitive to children and animals, understanding their experience and naturally finding grounds to
identify with them."

- Laura Paxton

 Professionals agree that treating borderline personality disorder is one of the most challenging things they do. Even after all this time, when people have come forward without symptoms for years, who believe they may be cured; Even after all this time when public campaigns have been done to decrease stigma- Still, professionals often discuss borderline personality disorder among themselves with dread and derision. 

So, why do I say, "borderline is beautiful?" What's so "beautiful" about people who seem desperately needy and self-destructive, some who are "cutters," and some who make "manipulative" threats? What's even mildly attractive about that? 

Every negative "disorder" has a flip-side. Nothing is all bad. When an organism suffers in one area, it compensates in another. As far as creativeness and sensitivity, borderlines have it in spades!

People with borderline personality disorder need to know about the beauty they have inside in order to fight the problems people see on the outside. Without awareness that they are beautiful souls, what motivation is there to recover?

Borderline is Beautiful!

Borderline and Beyond

"If there was a God, he wouldn't let me feel the way I do." -Kip Kinkle

The picture on the right is of a fifteen year old boy we all know well. Few doubt his psychological pain and turmoil and the intense suffering he must have felt. Yet, why did he draw the conclusion that because we feel miserable, God does not exist?

It's not hard to see how Kip came to that conclusion. We live in a "feel good" world.  We live in a world where truth is relative, we are the center of the universe and God is only real if the world runs as we think it should and we think we should feel good.

For centuries, people understood how pain and suffering had an important place in spiritual growth and development. This understanding was often taken for granted. In fact, many believed that the greatest love God ever showed was to suffer with us, to show us that he would not ask us to bear anything he hadn't borne before us. 

In this world where most believe feeling good is the most important goal a human being can have, some of us still believe life is about much more. Suffering is not proof there is no God. Suffering helps us realize we need to rely on God. There is medicine available for suffering that creates sickness of soul. We find it through uniting our suffering with the suffering of Christ, so that our love has purpose far beyond ourselves and for all mankind. God doesn't take our suffering away when it can give Him an opportunity to show His love through us. When we hurt, God is with us, closely with us, and that is why he came to die for us and with us.

Here are some quotes from Carmelite Saints. They express this so much better than I can-

"The purest suffering bears and carries in its train the purest understanding."
-St. John of the Cross

"Would that men might come at last to see that it is quite impossible to reach the thicket of the riches and wisdom of God except by first entering the thicket of much suffering, in such a way that the soul finds there its consolation and desire. The soul that longs for divine wisdom chooses first, and in truth, to enter the thicket of the cross."
-St. John of the Cross

"Truth suffers, but never dies."
-St. Teresa of Avila

"Love consists not in feeling great things but in having great detachment and in suffering for the Beloved."
-St. John of the Cross

"There is no affliction, trial, or labor difficult to endure, when we consider the torments and sufferings which Our Lord Jesus Christ endured for us."
-St. Teresa of Jesus

Happy Feast Day of the Amazing Prophet Elijah, Father of Carmel!

"In Elijah, we see the solitary prophet who nurtured his thirst for the one and only God, and lived in his presence. He is the contemplative, burning with passionate love for the Absolute who is God, "his word flaring like a torch.” He is the mystic who, after a long and wearisome journey, learned to read the new signs of God's presence. He is the prophet who became involved in the lives of the people, and who, by battling against false idols, brought them back to faithfulness to their Covenant with the One God. He is the prophet who was in solidarity with the poor and the forgotten, and who defended those who endured violence and injustice. 

From Elijah, Carmelites learn to be people of the desert, with heart undivided, standing before God and entirely dedicated to his service, uncompromising in the choice to serve God's cause, aflame with a passionate love for God. Like Elijah, they believe in God and allow themselves to be led by the Spirit and by the Word that has taken root in their hearts, in order to bear witness to the divine presence in the world, allowing God to be truly God in their lives. Finally, in Elijah they see, one who belonged to a school of prophets and knew what it was to live in community; and with Elijah they learn to be channels of God's tender love for the poor and the humble."

From the Carmelite Consitutions, 1995.

O Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, You alone are God.

Your servant Elijah lived in your presence and acted on your Word. Help us to drink from the well of his wisdom.

Shelter us in Cherith, and lead us to Carmel, luring our hearts away from all false gods. 
Open our eyes to the needs of those suffering. Open our mouths to speak comfort and justice. Open our hearts to your voice in the silence. 
Send angels to strengthen us. Send the rain of your grace to quench our thirst. Let us break bread with the starving and bring life to places of death and despair. Send us as prophets to herald your Gospel.

Allow us to rise to you in paradise.

Those who met your son Jesus saw in him

the spirit of Elijah. May Elijah lead us to your son.

We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

(Photos are from the Shrine to St. Elijah at Mount Carmel, Israel. The first is from the cave and the second is the view from above. Photos are from our formation director from her pilgrimage.)

St. Elijah's message is deeply meaningful to me because it is through him I turned my heart back to the Lord when I felt lost and forgotten. Led by his spirit, I became infused with ever-growing zeal and faithfulness. I am in love with this very ancient and beautiful tradition.

 

Great New Media on the Horizon

Well, I'm having a busy week, putting together new inspirational media! 
Here's the progress I've made since my last post-

Borderline and Beyond App

I'm working with a developer. For those familiar, the RAQ and BSI tests are included and they self-score! The entire e-book for Borderline and Beyond is in the app. There is an "emotional crisis" guide, so the user can click on a feeling state and receive quick practical tips from the Borderline and Beyond book about how to cope. The app contains these topics to tap on- Emotional Overwhelm, Panic, Grief, Traumatic Memories, Obsessive Thoughts, Hurt and Sad. And there's more! Well, that hasn't been developed yet, but it is coming and it will be a great surprise!

Insights from Carmel- Pat Tresselle, OCDS
This book is in the editing phase. I have an assistant editor now, who is so outstanding I'm freed up to work on other things, such as graphic design and formatting for this book-

Autism, The Dogs I Love and Me- Christopher and George Dean
This children's picture's book is full of graphic art design and stories from Christopher's life, from birth to middle school. It is a joy to produce. I may provide some "sneak peaks" in further blogs.

And, in other news...
As usual, my books are for sale on Amazon and Barnes and Noble online. There is also a kindle edition on Amazon and my ebook is coming soon to the Apple store. Look for it there!

I'll keep you all updated!
As always, let me know if you'd like to pre-order or be notified via email as books are released.

Borderline and Beyond App Preview

Well, The Borderline and Beyond ebook and app are both on the way. The e-book will be the standard text, a duplicate of the printed book. 

However, the app will have a lot more "cool functionaliy."

The app is still under development. Since I like doing most things myself, I managed to develop half of it but there is no way to complete this without lots of knowledge of code. So, the workbook components of the app are being hammered out by a professional team.

The I-phone/Android App 

will contain-

* The Ebook in its entirety, divided by sections

* Emotional Crisis tips and simple exercises from the book, designed for each mood state you are in, from anxiety to anger. You'll just scroll, choose your problem or feeling, read and get quick and convenient help. (Of course, if you are suicidal or homicidal, you will need to call 911 instead.)

AND these components of the workbook:

* Two tests that self-score- The BSI- (Borderline Symptom Inventory) and the RAQ (Reality Awareness Questionnaire). Hopefully, there will be a way to record the scores of both tests, so you can watch your results improve over time.

*HOPEFULLY-- A place where you can journal and record your thoughts, just like in the journal.

In other words, you get the whole Borderderline and Beyond ebook for mobile AND lots of workbook functionality all in one for less than the cost of just one book.

I'll keep you posted as to its debut.
(I don't even know an estimated released date. My development team hasn't given me one.)

Stay tuned!

(If you'd like to stay informed when it's available, just email info@carmelheart.com)

Thanks!