Longing to be Still

Jesus, through this frantic world, could you just hold me still?

I don't want to be happy.
I do not want comfort,
for these things pass.

O How I long to be still, still, still with you.

I've had enough,
and nothing else will satisfy.
and there is nothing I won't do
to be still with you.

Let the world keep spinning,
Let it spin until I'm sick,
but Jesus, hold me still.

I want to be unmoving
when life moves lightning fast,
blowing me apart,
and leaving torment in its wake.

There is not much I can count on here.
People lie and use each other.
People die and people leave and
my world spins upside-down.

Just freeze me in your constant stop.
Still my thoughts, Still my heart, Still my being.
Still my all.

Your stillness,
dear sweet stillness,
doesn't have to feel good.
Only make your stillness last.

and Jesus,
Bind me to your cross forever,
for that is where the greatest peace is.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton,
01/10/15

My Heroine, St. Teresa of Jesus

Today is the feast day of St. Teresa of  Jesus, also known as St. Teresa of Avila. She is my patron saint and the foundress of my order, the Order of Discalced Carmelites.

Before I became Catholic, I was researching to write a book about contemplative prayer. I read several books by and about famous contemplatives during that time, but the story that struck me the most was that of St. Teresa of Avila. Although she had spent her life as a nun, she did not have a "spiritual awakening," or what could be called a "spiritual conversion experience," until she was in her forties. I approached reading St. Teresa as a woman also in my forties who was disillusioned with life, directionless and wanting something more. 

In popular spirituality, which some refer to as "new age," much is often said about "union with God." Union with God can give unlimited power, bliss and wisdom, they say. Seems everyone has a path to get there, for the right price. Yes, I bought in to it. It's sad to me now that I once believed that good feelings, money and status and power could contribute at all to quality of life. They really don't.

St. Teresa had a similar realization, and wrote:

"I spent nearly 20 years on that stormy sea, often falling in this way and each time rising again, but to little purpose, as I would only fall once more... I can testify that this is one of the most grievous kinds of life which I think can be imagined, for I had neither any joy in God nor any pleasure in the world. When I was in the midst of worldly pleasures, I was distressed by the remembrance of what I owed to God; when I was with God, I grew restless because of worldly affections."

The confirmation saint I chose, when I became Catholic, was St. Teresa of Avila. This is before I even knew there was a Secular order of Discalced Carmelites. My sponsor had given me a book with the lives of the saints in it, and I had considered choosing another one. In the process, I read and became impressed with the lives of many saints, but still my main affection went to St. Teresa.

Only a month or two after my conversion, I met Terry Ianora, director of 1st Way in Eugene, Oregon, who is a Secular Carmelite. Immediately, I wanted to find out more about the order. I spent a year as an aspirant before being accepted into the order's formation program early last summer.

Thank you, St. Teresa, for showing me what life is really all about. It's all about Him. He is all that gives life breath and power and meaning. He gives all purpose and following His will provides all that is satisfying and worth living for.

St. Teresa of Jesus, pray for us.

Unplanned Changes

A little over a year ago, I had only one goal- to grow closer to God. Ultimately, I wanted to experience union with God, as St. Teresa of Avila did. I didn't really understand what that meant, but it sounded good. It turned out to be a great goal, although I had no idea what I was getting into at the time.

To achieve my goal, I devoted my life to prayer and contemplation. I wanted to become a cloistered nun but in America, there are almost no monasteries that accept women over the age of 35 or 40. Also, I did not know if they would take me with my autism and also student loan debt. Almost certainly, they would not. So, I had to come to terms with how it could be that I did not have a vocation as a contemplative nun when that is what I wanted.

I started attending meetings of Carmelite Seculars, however, and found that the Secular Carmelites have the same level of dedication and commitment that the nuns and friars do, and that they are considered equal members of the Carmelite Order. The only major difference is that we live out in the world and can be married.

As time passed over the past year, I drifted further and further away from my original goal. I became caught up in the affairs of the world. In November, I received grant funding to begin my own business, and  getting everything going took my full concentration. I had to learn how to use new professional software- everything from new graphic design programs to Quickbooks. The original goal in my business plan, to re-publish my books, became delayed because others were interested in what I can do. I had to start figuring out how to go about working with clients- developing rate sheets and publishing contracts. I didn't have time to volunteer for 1st Way anymore, but my company was able to offer professional services to help them instead. Client after client came my way and doing it all became impossible.

My life felt overwhelming until a couple of weeks ago. Before then, I hardly came up for air. I started wondering, "What happened to that girl who only wanted to live her life in contemplation of the Lord?" I had been doing most of the Carmelite Secular requirements- daily mass, liturgy of the hours, spiritual reading, answering my assigned questions for aspirancy, frequent confession, and at least thirty minutes of contemplative prayer whenever I could fit it in. In two years, when I profess promises, contemplative prayer will the highest priority I have. No "maybe I can fit it in" allowed. Even now, I realize how I'm shooting myself in the foot when I don't do it- but I can only integrate so much "newness" at one time. All I can say is, without trying to move towards my original goal of union with God, moving through my daily Carmelite spiritual practices has helped me begin integration of my life with God- and that was not intentional.

A year ago today, it never would have occurred to me that I would be shoving aside contemplative prayer time. It would be absolutely unheard of. All the spiritual disciplines I have learned to integrate into my life have been teaching me to be faithful, and wow, I still have so much more to learn.

The pace of my life has slowed down because I am able now to focus more on one project at a time. I've defined my job roles more clearly with clients and I've learned that my friend Mark is a top-notch editor, far better than I am, and so now we can split a lot of work. I've finally reached my original goals. I can breathe. I can ask myself again how to go about growing closer to God. It feels really good.