God- Why We Need To Talk

I was at a retreat last year where our retreat master said to us, “You will never make time for prayer until you realize prayer is the most important thing you can do.”

There are many days when I think the most important thing I can do is earning a living, or to have fun playing a computer game or to organize my closet, and yes, there are times when these are important things for us to do. But, prayer actually is the most important thing we can do every day.

Why is prayer the most important thing we can do? Well, for one thing, we are utterly dependent on God for everything, from the air we breathe to whether our hearts beat or not.

Prayer acknowledges that we are unable to do anything at all, much less anything important, without God.

And why is that helpful to know? Because God does listen. He does answer our prayers and he is capable of doing anything. Nothing is impossible for God.

My relationship to prayer has changed. For six years, I prayed selfish prayers. I prayed for my continual happiness, good fortune, fame and success in every endeavor to impress others. I learned to cultivate “feel good” during prayer time, by focusing on the vague idea of what love “feels” like.

I was surprised to learn later that love is not a feeling. I was also surprised to learn that in relationship with God, as in any relationship, it isn't very loving to “use” our friends. Sometimes in life, it can seem that God is supposed to be our “prosperity dispenser,” but that is not His function in our lives.

As my relationship to prayer has changed, my relationship to God has changed. It's been significant for me to begin to know the person, Jesus. Jesus is God in a relatable form. I never used to pray to Jesus, only to the Father. But, since Jesus is my friend now, I want to learn all about his life and about who He is. So, my relationship with Jesus has become a more mature and healthy one now.

When I pray to God, I know God is there. I feel Him there, but that's not how I know He's there. Jesus, like “love” is not a feeling. He's Truth itself in human form. Truth can feel all sorts of ways or no way at all. And prayer is not always my “fun time” anymore. I often don't look forward to it.

In addition to the Liturgy of the Hours and daily mass, Secular Carmelites are supposed to do a minimum of thirty minutes of silent prayer a day. And when you think about it, since the Carmelite charism is prayer and prayer is our true vocation in Carmel, thirty minutes is not much time. Yet, in our busy lives in the world, everyone struggles at times to integrate even that minimum routine. This is my third year into practicing this way of life and I still have some really erratic times.

I can tell you why. It's always pride. It's always that I forget I need him for everything there is and that is why prayer is the most important thing I can do. Our relationship with God is definitely that-- a relationship with a Person. Like any relationship, we need to put the time and effort into keeping it alive and growing.

During good times and bad, we need to talk.  

Strange Islands Beyond the Self-Absorbed

As I was walking home from mass today, I noticed that I was standing in an odd place. Why was I there? I had walked a block from where I needed to turn to go home and I had not noticed anything on my way. My last memory was of crossing the street two blocks before and from that point, my legs moved, but I was lost in my mind.

Of course, most people and not just autistics wander off in their thoughts and get physically lost occasionally.  Yet, this experience is often frequent in autistic adults as well as children. Sometimes, it's called, "wandering," and it can be quite dangerous, especially when children do it. In my case today, it was simple to change my path to walk home, but I cannot recall the number of times this sort of thing has happened to me. At times of my life, especially under stress, it's more the rule than the exception.

The comical part of all this is the content of the thoughts I was having. I was deeply pondering and contemplating why I am often so self-absorbed! Oh, wow. This is the very thing I've been "working on" in my spiritual life lately, and I was too self-absorbed to see it! So, I actually stopped and laughed a little bit, (well, actually I giggled pretty intensely,) out of the blue- also a very autistic thing to do.  I did not care who might be looking on at the "loony girl."

On the way home, I was careful to look around and watch the trees and flowers. I really enjoyed the sense of being more open to the world. I did not want to look at the people, and that is common for me.

The social world is not a "safe place" for autistic people.  The social world is a mass of confusing things- Nonverbal communication is supposed to be 80% of communication and my brain has no area  that works to process such things. I know I'm missing a lot. By only hearing the words, I cannot detect deceit. I also don't pick up on insincerity well. I have to be careful to try to take in the overall context of the conversation anyway, so that I don't say something socially that doesn't "fit," and embarrass myself or offend another person.

People are also over-stimulating in themselves. Just watching their face while I hear their voice can be overwhelming. So, social time is tiring, to say the least.. and the better and more convincing I manage to do at it, the more exhausted I am later.

And, of course, this brings me to the topic of how is it that I can be less self-centered, when being inside myself is my sanctuary? At the end of the day, I look back on the times when people tried to share something about themselves to me and I assumed it was all about me, when it wasn't. I want to be more present for people. I want to be a better friend. To do that, I need to take risks and that doesn't mean I feel comfortable with them.

God did not intend a purely contemplative life in a cloister for me. He has called me to be a contemplative in the world. It's the "in the world" part I don't like. Yet, if I can get lost in a book, in artwork or a game or learning coding, I can get lost in a person and what they have to say as well, when I am determined to do that. People should never assume I'm not interested in them or that I don't care about them because of these difficulties, because it usually has little to do with that.

People who need the most love are the least safe. My Secular Carmelite friends are actually perfect friends. They do not gossip. They do not talk negatively about anyone else. If they do, they are running to confession right away! No, I am not worried about any sort of harm from them.

And yet, Jesus Christ calls me to open myself to people, who can be the source of harm, and to a life of loving, giving and service even to the point of the very crucifixion of myself. Now, it would make no sense to continually force myself to socialize to the point of meltdown every day. The trick is to take good care of myself so I can tolerate more and more time with people. To do that, I need to do more than merely monitor and reduce sensory overwhelm.

I need a deeply secure spiritual core, to provide a sense of emotional safety, so that even if I am in a meltdown, I am at peace. (And yes, that is possible, because a meltdown is the involuntary response of the nervous system to overstimulation, not a psychological issue.) We can have migraines and be at peace, so why not in a meltdown? I am learning this.

St. John of the Cross writes often about "strange islands," which is the experience of finding himself in a state of awareness and experience he has never been in before. He is referring to experiences he has within himself with God. For me, the "strange islands" are about taking God with me as I venture into the wilderness of unpredictable and confusing people.

And so, in this way, I hope I find myself "standing in an odd place" more often, with my deep sense of security in God unaltered.

Something Woke Me Up Yesterday- and it wasn't about me.

I learned something great at the Carmelite Monastery yesterday, just as I was dozing off. It was right after our thirty minutes of quiet prayer time and I was groggy.

I'm not sure how or why this came up, but we have been doing Lectio Divina with the encyclical Apostolicam Actuositatem for months now and yesterday, we spent about forty minutes on number 20. I hadn't found this document to be thrilling reading, and it wasn't exactly jarring me out of my stupor.

We were contemplating how the laity is to participate in the work of the Church, because all Secular Carmelites are required to have some sort of lay apostalate, and so we need to understand what that means as well as we can.

Somehow, in our discussion, this verse from Paul came up, "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions." [Colossians 1:24]

The person who brought up the question that served as my "alarm clock," is a pre-aspirant. She is also a convert, such as I am. She had a question I've often had myself. She wanted to know how anything could be lacking in the sacrifice of Christ. In response, I remember becoming suddenly alert, excited that I knew the answer. I rattled off some sort of response I had heard that technically might have been considered right, when actually I did not fully understand the verse myself. So, my response confused her.

I listened for a while and I heard some really profound and eye-opening things from my sisters in Carmel, people who have seriously contemplated this verse for decades. 

For one thing, we don't actually pray. The Holy Spirit prays within us, for us. For another thing, we don't actually produce any good actions in the world. Only God can do this through us. It's not just that in humility, we give God credit for everything. It's that in reality, He really is the only one who HAS credit for anything. This is the only thing that is actually true.

As Christians, we are not ourselves, or who we were. We are the Body of Christ. Each time we receive the Eucharist, we are becoming one with Him and with each other. So, it is Jesus who sees through our eyes, speaks through our mouths, thinks through our brains and suffers in our bodies. So, Jesus is still here on earth, continuing His joys and afflictions through us. We are the vessels and witnesses of His greatness. Christ's work of redemption is complete, yet we must do our share to continue His work on earth, to complete the work that is "lacking" or still needs to be done in the world.

Apostolicam Actuositatem seems really dry at first. I wondered, how do you contemplate something that keeps talking about our personal relation to "the hierarchy." Well it's really about our personal relationship to the Body of Christ, and the hierarchy is just a term for the way that is structured. There's not a word in it about "me," the individual. It's about "they" and about "acting together." If we look more closely at the verse by Paul, it reads, "I do my share," implying he does his part of the group. It doesn't say, "I, on my own, because I am uber-super Catholic girl, do what Jesus couldn't finish doing." It says, we continue to do His work on earth.

The reason Apostolicam Actuositatem seemed so boring to me for the past few months is that I wasn't hearing things about me, me, me. I wasn't hearing what "resonates with me," or that I can "apply to my personal life." I was hearing about how to be a part of something larger than myself, to continue, through my share in the body of Christ, to make Christ's presence more known here on earth.

Well, I'm not sure if I understood all of this correctly or if it was even explained correctly, but it woke me up. (I was literally nodding off before my friend asked this question and I woke up quickly, seizing that opportunity to attempt to say something brilliant to impress everyone-- which thankfully, did not happen, because the group, as a whole, had a wider message.)

I'm not sure we can read the Bible as individuals with individual interpretation as our guide. I'm not sure it was intended to be read that way. In fact, I'm confident that it's not. The  Body of Christ is not the fragments of Christ, after all. 

It was interesting that our President, Chris Hart, talked about how common it is for people to just give all their energy and work towards what they think is serving God, only to find themselves depleted and exhausted. In that weakened state, God actually has someone there to work with to accomplish His true aims. If we think we're serving Him, we're not. I stand convicted- all the way. I started to ponder what it actually means to let Him accomplish His work through us. There's a profound passivity involved that isn't easy to learn.

Well, I can't hit the snooze button on that.

Insights from Carmel- A Guide to Growth Toward Union with God

Insights from Carmel by Patricia Tresselle, OCDS, has gone to press! The books should be available in the next week or two, just in time for Christmas!

I'm more excited about this book project than any others I have done this year (including my own.) I love Pat's book. She provides an in-depth study of the writings of Carmelite saints, Carmelite prayer types and methods, and meditations through the liturgical year. 

The book is intended to be used at the discretion of formation directors in the various communities but it is also a great introduction for anyone who wants to learn more about Carmelite spirituality and the Carmelite way of life.

The goal of Carmelite spirituality is to live in union with God. Pat Tresselle shares some powerful insights and tools to grow as close as possible in relationship to Christ our Lord.

Here's what's in the book (from the table of contents):

   

1. The Process of Formation
2. The Development and Necessity of Prayer 
3. Basic Types of Prayer
4. Stages of Prayer: Following St. Teresa 
5. Prayer and St. John of the Cross
6. St. Therese and the “Little Way of Prayer”
7. Prayer and Christian Meditation 
8. Lent, Penance and Prayer 
9. Epiphany
10. A Journey Through The Interior Castle 
11. May- The Month of Mary
12. Prayer and Action In a Carmelite Life
13. St. John of The Cross, Teacher and Guide 
14. Meditation On The Magnificat
15. The Beatitudes and Carmelite Spirituality 
16. The Way of the Cross and The Way of Nada 
17. Meditation on Gethsemane
18. Meditation of Jesus’ Last Words on the Cross

My Heroine, St. Teresa of Jesus

Today is the feast day of St. Teresa of  Jesus, also known as St. Teresa of Avila. She is my patron saint and the foundress of my order, the Order of Discalced Carmelites.

Before I became Catholic, I was researching to write a book about contemplative prayer. I read several books by and about famous contemplatives during that time, but the story that struck me the most was that of St. Teresa of Avila. Although she had spent her life as a nun, she did not have a "spiritual awakening," or what could be called a "spiritual conversion experience," until she was in her forties. I approached reading St. Teresa as a woman also in my forties who was disillusioned with life, directionless and wanting something more. 

In popular spirituality, which some refer to as "new age," much is often said about "union with God." Union with God can give unlimited power, bliss and wisdom, they say. Seems everyone has a path to get there, for the right price. Yes, I bought in to it. It's sad to me now that I once believed that good feelings, money and status and power could contribute at all to quality of life. They really don't.

St. Teresa had a similar realization, and wrote:

"I spent nearly 20 years on that stormy sea, often falling in this way and each time rising again, but to little purpose, as I would only fall once more... I can testify that this is one of the most grievous kinds of life which I think can be imagined, for I had neither any joy in God nor any pleasure in the world. When I was in the midst of worldly pleasures, I was distressed by the remembrance of what I owed to God; when I was with God, I grew restless because of worldly affections."

The confirmation saint I chose, when I became Catholic, was St. Teresa of Avila. This is before I even knew there was a Secular order of Discalced Carmelites. My sponsor had given me a book with the lives of the saints in it, and I had considered choosing another one. In the process, I read and became impressed with the lives of many saints, but still my main affection went to St. Teresa.

Only a month or two after my conversion, I met Terry Ianora, director of 1st Way in Eugene, Oregon, who is a Secular Carmelite. Immediately, I wanted to find out more about the order. I spent a year as an aspirant before being accepted into the order's formation program early last summer.

Thank you, St. Teresa, for showing me what life is really all about. It's all about Him. He is all that gives life breath and power and meaning. He gives all purpose and following His will provides all that is satisfying and worth living for.

St. Teresa of Jesus, pray for us.

Jesus loves us MOST where we are weak.

At the Secular Carmelite retreat I went to last weekend, I heard a message I didn't expect and it has changed the way I'm hearing scripture, liturgy and homilies. I have different ears somehow.

The topic of our retreat was, "Rediscovering the Riches of Divine Intimacy," with retreat master Father Robert Barcelos, OCD. I had been wondering how to grow in intimacy with God, pondering how it was that I had been feeling stuck for so long and even having a hard time following through on my prayer commitments. 

Father Robert said that Jesus loves us MOST where we are weak. He doesn't love us DESPITE when  we're weak, but loves us MOST when we are weak. It's his preference. Whenever Jesus picks a place of encounter, it is in a place where life is messy, shameful or overwhelming for us.

Where did Jesus choose to encounter mankind, face to face, in the flesh, for the first time? In a dank, smelly stable, in the middle of the night. He could have chosen any other place to meet us, but he chose there, a messy, unpleasant, uncomfortable place. When we follow Jesus through the scriptures, where does He meet us? He goes to where the tax collectors and prostitutes are. He is right there when the adulterous woman is to be stoned to death. He's there with the sick, hungry and grieving. He doesn't seek out places where He isn't needed or where people don't realize that they need Him, but He is, as Father Robert said, "a magnet for our affliction." He wants with all His heart to love us there.

The enemy also zones in on affliction. Like a shark smelling blood, he moves quickly for a kill. The greatest spiritual battles of our lives are around our wounded places and our weak places. The enemy will try to make you run from God in shame, but where do you go when you feel ashamed? Into the arms of the enemy instead. 

Spiritual Discernment Tip from Father Robert: Jesus will never want you to run away in shame as Adam and Eve did in the garden. They ran in shame because they were under the power of the enemy during that time. Jesus will correct us but He will also embrace us in His love. He treasures our trust and our repentance more than anything else.

Simple truth but powerful for me. I notice a lot now when I start to feel shame, pain, weak and overwhelmed, especially now that I'm moving. I remember Father Robert saying, "Jesus loves you MOST in your messiness." Before communion, we say, "Lord, I am not worthy that you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my soul shall be healed." Honestly, I have always thought to myself that I am not worthy for anyone to come under my roof. I'm a mess. I don't want to invite anyone into that. But, apparently, Jesus is like a One Man clean-up crew. He's not a King we have to prepare the homes of our souls for, so they'll be good enough for Him to enter. He's the only one who CAN clean them, order them, straighten them out. When he knocks, we should say, "Thank the Lord he's here. he's the only one who can heal my soul," instead of running from Him in shame. 

I don't have to run from God anymore, which is what I have been doing when I skip my liturgy of the hours or my daily prayer time on occasion. I don't have to run away from love. He WANTS to live in me, and he loves me MOST when I'm a mess inside because he loves to do His work to order it.

So, lately at mass, I'm transfixed on what I hear. I go to daily mass, so honestly some days, I'm thinking, "blah, blah, blabbity blah." Now, I'm hearing mercy and grace and love and what God wants to do for me to help me carry out His will. Hey, I've heard this a zillion times but never really HEARD it before. I realize this will pass, but I'm not daydreaming. My mind isn't wandering. I'm right there... because I know He loves me there.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

Why pray anyway?

"Prayer and intimacy with God are the only way to nourish and sustain ourselves through the outward sacrifices of daily life. We need prayer in our life to fulfill the deepest desires of our heart that we are not even aware of- to bring us a peace and joy that we could not have established for ourselves. God, the One, put this desire in us so that we would reach out in love, to love, and He sent us Jesus to show the way." 

-Pat Tresselle, OCDS

Pat Tresselle has a down-to-earth way of explaining things that other Carmelite authors have lacked. Pat just has the ability to make "tough" concepts make sense. Why do we need prayer? To fulfill needs and desires we may not even be aware of. In other words, do it although we don't know why to receive more reward than we could ever have dreamed. We need something. We don't know what it is. We can't get it without help. So, trust that strange desire to search for meaning and reach out to Him. God's the One who gave us that desire and He is the only one who can quench it.

Pat Tresselle's book, due for release in November of this year, tackles these and other difficult concepts in a way that makes it all come together. Get ready for the great, "Aha!" 

It you'd like to be notified when Insights from Carmel is released, contact info@carmelheart.com

 

Meet the Author- Pat Tresselle, OCDS

Pat Tresselle, OCDS is currently a member of the Eugene Oregon Maria Regina Secular Carmelite Community.

She originally came from the Redlands California OCDS community, where she had entered into formation in 1974 and made her vows in 1983. She held the positions of treasurer and secretary before becoming formation director of that community from 1979 to 2002.

In 2003 she moved to Roseburg, Oregon with her husband and transferred to the Eugene, Oregon community. It was during this time that she began putting together the material she wrote as formation director (along with other articles she wrote– two of which were published in the Carmelite Digest.)

Pat's book, Insights from Carmel, is coming soon from Carmel Heart Media!

Happy Feast Day of the Amazing Prophet Elijah, Father of Carmel!

"In Elijah, we see the solitary prophet who nurtured his thirst for the one and only God, and lived in his presence. He is the contemplative, burning with passionate love for the Absolute who is God, "his word flaring like a torch.” He is the mystic who, after a long and wearisome journey, learned to read the new signs of God's presence. He is the prophet who became involved in the lives of the people, and who, by battling against false idols, brought them back to faithfulness to their Covenant with the One God. He is the prophet who was in solidarity with the poor and the forgotten, and who defended those who endured violence and injustice. 

From Elijah, Carmelites learn to be people of the desert, with heart undivided, standing before God and entirely dedicated to his service, uncompromising in the choice to serve God's cause, aflame with a passionate love for God. Like Elijah, they believe in God and allow themselves to be led by the Spirit and by the Word that has taken root in their hearts, in order to bear witness to the divine presence in the world, allowing God to be truly God in their lives. Finally, in Elijah they see, one who belonged to a school of prophets and knew what it was to live in community; and with Elijah they learn to be channels of God's tender love for the poor and the humble."

From the Carmelite Consitutions, 1995.

O Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, You alone are God.

Your servant Elijah lived in your presence and acted on your Word. Help us to drink from the well of his wisdom.

Shelter us in Cherith, and lead us to Carmel, luring our hearts away from all false gods. 
Open our eyes to the needs of those suffering. Open our mouths to speak comfort and justice. Open our hearts to your voice in the silence. 
Send angels to strengthen us. Send the rain of your grace to quench our thirst. Let us break bread with the starving and bring life to places of death and despair. Send us as prophets to herald your Gospel.

Allow us to rise to you in paradise.

Those who met your son Jesus saw in him

the spirit of Elijah. May Elijah lead us to your son.

We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

(Photos are from the Shrine to St. Elijah at Mount Carmel, Israel. The first is from the cave and the second is the view from above. Photos are from our formation director from her pilgrimage.)

St. Elijah's message is deeply meaningful to me because it is through him I turned my heart back to the Lord when I felt lost and forgotten. Led by his spirit, I became infused with ever-growing zeal and faithfulness. I am in love with this very ancient and beautiful tradition.

 

Receiving the Carmelite Scapular

This past Saturday, I was received into formation by the  Discalced Secular Carmelites. This was a day I had prepared for all year. Each month, I had some material to read and a short list of questions to answer.  Then, once a month, I had classes and help with discerning whether being a Secular Carmelite was what I really wanted to do. I had to apply, have references checked and be interviewed by the Council to confirm my vocation.

I had an instant reaction of joy from the start at the idea of becoming a Carmelite. The year prior to that, I had read the biography of St. Teresa of Avila and I was also studying contemplative prayer and preparing to write a book about it. St. Teresa appealed to me because of her emotional intensity and spiritual fervor, but the more I got to know her, the more I saw what a balanced soul she had. After a tumultuous period, she emerged in equilibrium, detached from her emotions. St. Teresa began her unique style of contemplative prayer life while she was in her 40's. In all of her years before of a nun, she had difficulty with silent prayer until a midlife breakthrough helped her complete her process of total union with God.

I had just entered my forties and was having a pretty bad midlife crisis myself. I did not like what I had done with my life and where it had led. St. Teresa gave me hope and inspiration. I decided if I could accomplish only one thing in my life, it would be to grow as close to God as I could. I had spent years following different "spiritual paths" that ultimately led nowhere and I was determined this time to devote my life to Christ.

The large scapular is an outward symbol of that. We don't have to wear the large ones every day under our clothes, but we can and some do. In lieu of that, the smaller scapular or scapular medal may be worn, but after being received as a Carmelite, the only time the scapular should ever be removed is to take a shower. I even read somewhere recently that there are Carmelites who will not remove their scapular even in the shower. Whereas members of the confraternity and those who wear the scapular as a devotion receive graces and benefits, I have just joined an order and the scapular is my habit- although normally nobody knows I'm even wearing it.

I've been wearing a small scapular all year that a good friend of mine gave me, but the meaning of the scapular keeps deepening for me. Wearing the scapular is a symbol of the yoke of Christ. It is also a symbol of servitude, because the original scapulars were like aprons. The scapular is also a symbol of being under the protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I'm developing fairly slowly in my relationship with Mary but I do feel the connection to her through the scapular. Last weekend, my formation director gave me a small scapular that came from Mt Carmel in Israel. I have four scapulars and a scapular medal now. Tiny little squares of cloth have become precious to me because they remind me that I am precious in the eyes of God.