Receiving the Carmelite Scapular

This past Saturday, I was received into formation by the  Discalced Secular Carmelites. This was a day I had prepared for all year. Each month, I had some material to read and a short list of questions to answer.  Then, once a month, I had classes and help with discerning whether being a Secular Carmelite was what I really wanted to do. I had to apply, have references checked and be interviewed by the Council to confirm my vocation.

I had an instant reaction of joy from the start at the idea of becoming a Carmelite. The year prior to that, I had read the biography of St. Teresa of Avila and I was also studying contemplative prayer and preparing to write a book about it. St. Teresa appealed to me because of her emotional intensity and spiritual fervor, but the more I got to know her, the more I saw what a balanced soul she had. After a tumultuous period, she emerged in equilibrium, detached from her emotions. St. Teresa began her unique style of contemplative prayer life while she was in her 40's. In all of her years before of a nun, she had difficulty with silent prayer until a midlife breakthrough helped her complete her process of total union with God.

I had just entered my forties and was having a pretty bad midlife crisis myself. I did not like what I had done with my life and where it had led. St. Teresa gave me hope and inspiration. I decided if I could accomplish only one thing in my life, it would be to grow as close to God as I could. I had spent years following different "spiritual paths" that ultimately led nowhere and I was determined this time to devote my life to Christ.

The large scapular is an outward symbol of that. We don't have to wear the large ones every day under our clothes, but we can and some do. In lieu of that, the smaller scapular or scapular medal may be worn, but after being received as a Carmelite, the only time the scapular should ever be removed is to take a shower. I even read somewhere recently that there are Carmelites who will not remove their scapular even in the shower. Whereas members of the confraternity and those who wear the scapular as a devotion receive graces and benefits, I have just joined an order and the scapular is my habit- although normally nobody knows I'm even wearing it.

I've been wearing a small scapular all year that a good friend of mine gave me, but the meaning of the scapular keeps deepening for me. Wearing the scapular is a symbol of the yoke of Christ. It is also a symbol of servitude, because the original scapulars were like aprons. The scapular is also a symbol of being under the protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I'm developing fairly slowly in my relationship with Mary but I do feel the connection to her through the scapular. Last weekend, my formation director gave me a small scapular that came from Mt Carmel in Israel. I have four scapulars and a scapular medal now. Tiny little squares of cloth have become precious to me because they remind me that I am precious in the eyes of God.

St. Teresa, Shock and Trauma

I've thought a lot this week about a class Father Stephen Watson, OCD taught at our last secular Carmelite meeting. He was teaching us about “St. Teresa and the Resurrection,” from Volume 1, Testimony #12 by Kieran.

In this example, St. Teresa of Avila had emotionally merged so much with the passion of our Lord Jesus and identified so much with the experience of His mother that she was unable to be happy and celebrate the resurrection on Easter Sunday. St. Teresa was still deep in mourning for what our Lord had experienced. She even said her “hands grew numb in affliction.” Her soul became suspended. St. Teresa experienced something known as a “rapture of affliction.”

I had never heard of this, but a “rapture of affliction” is an experience that takes us beyond ourselves but not in the sense of ecstasy. While in this state, St. Teresa contemplated Jesus and Mary. In her contemplation, she saw Jesus with Mary after the resurrection. Mary was in such trauma after the experience of watching God, her son, be tortured to death, she could not shake herself out of it. She stared, numb, as if “shell-shocked” even when her son returned from the dead in his glorified body. She needed help, and he stayed with her a long time, St. Teresa said. So, St. Teresa let Jesus “stay with her a long time” as He did with His mother, helping her to recover from all of that agony in order to celebrate new life.

Nowhere in the Bible is there reference to Jesus going to visit His mother, but that was a personal thing and not a public one. I can imagine the disciples would not feel this relevant to include while recording Jesus's public mission. Perhaps this was one of the many things that happened that was not written? Regardless of whether Jesus was there to help comfort Mother Mary in her trauma, He will always be there for us.

How often does that happen to us, after an occasion such as the Boston Marathon bombing or one of the many school shootings or other mass murders our nation has faced? Trauma is a fact of life. Our Blessed Mother may have gone through it. It is during our deepest trauma that Jesus comes to us and wants to help heal us until we are able once again, to celebrate His resurrection and the miracle of life. He is always there, patient and waiting, even if we are too in shock to see Him there.

I Don't Know How To Stop

I feel whiny today. Yesterday, I cried.
Why, oh why, do I have to slow down?
I hate it. I want to stay busy.

Everyone who cares about me annoys me by trying to get me to stop. I want them to go away, since I'm too busy for them anyway.

My therapist said I need more breaks in my day to take care of myself.

My spiritual director said I need to keep doing Eucharistic Adoration for the next three months and then we'll re-evaluate whether I need to continue. I don't have to obey what he says, but I'm not seeking direction because I'm a genius at how to grow spiritually. My talents lie more in the realm of driving myself to the edge of psychosis and back. So, I agreed and I do what I agree to do. I realize that what I want isn't always what I need.

I don't want to slow down. It's almost as if I feel the world will come to an end if I do.

I used to play computer games non-stop at night, five and six hours at a time, to de-stress. But, that just charges adrenalin and provides escape. Plus, annoyingly, none of my advisers think this is healthy anymore or want me to continue. In fact, I have yet to find anyone in their right mind that thinks I should continue. Wow, I'd love to find one!

So, I have to do other things, like turn to God more. 

I'm pushing myself really hard. I've spoken before small audiences four times this week- four. And it terrifies me to do that. I'm also making a special effort to be more present and responsive to my boyfriend. I emotionally neglect him and autism is a reason. Especially when I'm overloaded, I want and actually need to shut down and go inside myself to hibernate from everything. However, it is but not an excuse to ignore him completely and in general, act like a jerk. I can't stop doing my best to give my best. He's sick this week too, so he needs more care.

Also, there is my overwhelmingly difficult Quickbooks class and the fact that I am preparing three books for printing and none of that is going as smoothly as I think it should. But mainly, the problem is that I don't want to let go of my control and give that over to God. I just don't.

I tell every autistic I know not to make big changes in their lives all at once or they will set themselves up for meltdown. Yet, I refuse to listen to what I know is true.

Why?

I SAY that I want to do the right thing, with all my heart, more than anything else. And my heart breaks that it's never enough. Yet, even though I feel that's true. I'm lying to myself. I don't know what the right thing is. I just want to push myself to feel important, valued, and redeemed. It's really all about me.

After receiving communion yesterday, I just prayed, and I said, "Jesus, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to put limits on anything." I felt His presence clearly and a soft voice spoke in my heart, "My love needs no limits."

The infinite love God offers us doesn't push us to the brink of insanity. That sort of thing is MY forte, not His!

I need to go do my Eucharistic Adoration in about an hour. For my non-Catholic friends, it's basically spending an hour with God in a chapel. Tomorrow, at the end of my monthly day at the Carmelite Monastery, I meet before a council of officers and our spiritual adviser, to see if I will be permitted to enter formation. What do I need to do more than focus on de-stressing and making room for that unlimited love in my heart? Only my pride wants to save the world. Enough.

Carmel Heart Media- The First Four Months

This year, Lent has drawn me inward and has helped me clear out some obstacles from my mind. I've had an unusually good month. I've let go of some attachments to people, places and things that used to cause me spiritual and psychological problems. I've been able to relax more. I've been feeling "like myself" more. The last few years have been hard because I did feel like I lost myself and have just recently found myself again.

As of today, Carmel Heart Media has been in existence for four months. I'm at work publishing an author's book on autism from a child's perspective and I have arranged a book signing tomorrow for another author. I'm working on memoirs for another author whose work will not be publicly released. 

The re-release of the original version of Borderline and Beyond is almost ready to go to press. I only need to get the new covers off the old hard drive from the computer that broke and had to be replaced. I've also begun the process of converting Borderline and Beyond to an e-book. Months ago, I started developing a Borderline and Beyond app and I would love to go back to finishing it up, but I have too many other priorities first!

In addition to all the above, Carmel Heart Media provides social media management services for 1st Way of Eugene, Oregon, and CHM is piloting the new internet outreach, "Talk to a Friend." My work for 1st Way ends up being a quarter to a third of all I do each week. I've also recently become a 1st Way Board member. 

The most helpful things for me this year have been spiritual direction, my Carmelite weekends and aspirancy process and my boyfriend, Mark. Mark is devoted to the Lord and far more disciplined in his spiritual practice than I am, so he serves as an inspiration. Having someone close to me who has the same goal of growing nearer to God has brought the two of us nearer together. We're now working well in synchrony and he is learning to do a lot of what I do and helping out with what has ended up being too much for one person. In April, I hope to meet with as many student pro-life groups as possible to help forward the mission of 1st Way, as well. I think of more things to do than I can do alone, and I tend to do too much of that!

Thanks to everyone who has lent support. I look forward to introducing new books very soon.

Mercy and Miracles~ Reflections on Aspirancy

Today was my monthly "Carmelite Day." Each month, I spend the day at Carmel Maria Regina Monastery in Eugene, Oregon. It's a busy day. We have mass, morning and evening prayer, lectio divina and I have three classes. Every month, I have assignments to read and answer questions, but I've completed all the material for my Aspirancy now. The next step will hopefully be entering formation, which is the secular order's equivalent of moving from being a postulant to a novice. It's strange to think that this year hasn't been called "formation," because I'm definitely feeling like I've been being shaped and formed and the Carmelite way of life has had everything to do with it.

I reflected today about how I've grown in confidence this year. I'm feeling braver in the tasks I undertake. I have a fuller sense of what God wants from me in my life and I'm developing what can only be called a lay apostolate. In a year that I've also just been integrating what it means to be Catholic, I've been exploring what kind of Christian, or "new person in God," I really am. I'm nothing like I thought I was. I'm actually getting better at working together with others in groups and I feel like I have a better sense of humor. For an autistic like me, these are pretty amazing things. Just two years ago, I had no goal or purpose and had given up on life entirely. Just last year, I was afraid to be around people much at all. As amazing as this is, I am not amazing at all. The power of God working in me is what's amazing.

Our scripture reading for today was about the pharisee and the tax collector. The pharisee proudly tells everyone what a good and faithful Jew he is. He seems to do everything "right." He dots his I's and crosses his T's in all he does. He gives to charity, he fasts, he keeps the ten commandments. And, he certainly did not need Jesus' help. The tax collector beat his breast and said "O God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Jesus said that the tax collector was "justified," but the pharisee was not.

The tax collector was intensely aware of his need for God and of his absolute dependence on God. When we don't realize our absolute dependence on God for every breath we take and every thought we think, there's no room in our soul for God to enter in. After all, telling God you don't need Him is pretty much shutting the door on Him. It doesn't matter how many good works you do if you give yourself the glory.

You may have wondered why Catholics repeat, "God have mercy," so much. Well, the answer to your question is here. "God have mercy," is the equivalent of, "Help, I desperately need you!" The truth is that we do, desperately need God every minute of our lives. Our need to depend on Him will never go away.

As we go out in the world, we are bombarded with messages of how to "succeed" in careers and to surpass others financially or in the way we dress or look. We're inundated with messages to be the best in all we do and especially to be better than others in doing those things. These messages are so persistent and so strong that if I were not repeating, "Lord have mercy," to myself often, I would lose the realization of how much I need God. To lose that realization is to lose everything.

Humans are just so incredibly knuckle-headed. We don't remember such a basic thing. I know for me, I need constant repetition. My tendency is to be driven toward self-aggrandizement. I need constant reminders that I'm here to serve Him and not myself, and so I am Catholic.

Since I am dependent on God for everything, he deserves the glory in my life. I dearly want to give Him that, but sometimes I also want to steal the spotlight. This has been a wonderful year of growth for me, but it really has been all about God. He's been the center of my life and my constant prayer has been for His direction and help. I feel so grateful. This Easter will be my first anniversary as a Catholic. What a year!

One Infinite Minute- Continual Conversion

Lent is a time of purification for me. I wondered at the start of it what that would mean for me this year. Last year, my year of conversion, was dramatic. I did not enter Lent and leave it the same person. The person I was died and I was reborn.

I'll never forget being baptized when I was a little girl. In a white robe, I wandered into a marble baptistry with the hazy light of a dove-shaped wall lamp above my head. The pastor put a white cloth over my face and immersed me backwards into the water. I was later told that I died with Christ and was reborn in Him. What does that really mean to a ten year old? Well, I was told that my soul was to be saved from that point forward. Eternal life was guaranteed. That was something to be happy about. Now, it was time to blow-dry my hair, put my dress back on and rejoin the beaming congregation of our large Baptist church.

Yet, we always have the option to go back to living our will, instead of God's will. God lives outside space and time in a place some philosophers call, "Kairos." He is infinite. But, OUR will is temporal. When we shut the door on God, he isn't exactly going to come and bust the door down. He can't. Free will is so important to Him that he never takes it away from us.

God has extended for us one infinite minute of His mercy and when we would rather follow our own human clock, doing things our way, sometimes our time is up. We missed it.

What do we do when we have willfully left God and want to come back? I know from being Baptist that many people publicly "recommit their lives to Christ." Yet, sometimes that experience can feel weak and lack the intensity of commitment that's really needed and desired.

It would have been really sad if I'd never been able to experience the conversion experience again, and just as powerfully. "Once saved, always saved," is true, in that infinite minute where God lives. But, we are allowed to step out of that realm where God lives. So, we can lose salvation and we do lose it. What happens to us when we turn our back on God? Well, my aunt said, even if we turn our back on God, He won't turn His back on us. And yet, I asked her, "What if I insist? Does he take away my free will?"

The Sinner's Prayer that Baptists and many other protestants use at their moment of being saved is so powerful and dear to a Christian's heart that there is no reason why that prayer could not be prayed around the clock to remind us of our commitment to Christ.. and that's why many Catholics and Orthodox do. We call it the “Jesus Prayer.”

Every Baptist knows it- "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner," or one of its longer variants that a person must believe fully at least once with all their heart to assure salvation.

Now, I get to experience that every single day. I get to remember and re-live what it is like to realize I'm a sinner and need God's mercy, desperately. Then, I get to realize He can be my Everything, that He is my Everything and I desire with all of me to give Him my all. Every Catholic mass is designed that way. It is an experiencing of that one infinite minute. That's why at each mass, we acknowledge our sins, followed by the Gloria. The sacrifice of the mass is a not just a re-experiencing of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross- It IS that one, holy infinite minute of experience.

This is also the whole beauty of confession. Any time I want, I can re-experience God's mercy. It isn't really happening over and over, although it may seem that way to me. It's happening once, outside of space and time. Our human minds don't automatically grasp and apply that, so we have sacraments.

Continual conversion means ONE conversion, happening over and over in our minds, yet only once in God's mind. I can't get enough of it, so I go to daily mass. And frequent confession.

That is why, for me, the essence of Catholicism is not repetition of sacrifice in an attempt to "earn" salvation.

Catholicism is a deeper, richer and fuller experience of Christ's salvation.

St. Valentine: Why We Need Martyrs

"Don't be such a martyr!" "Put yourself first!" "Only unenlightened people suffer!" "Love others so you can feel good yourself!"

How often do we hear these sorts of statements in our world today?

People forget- The love of a martyr is some serious love. When you think of loving someone, what's the first thing that comes to mind? I can almost bet it isn't dying for them.

Yet, that is what love truly is.

St. Valentine died a martyr for the faith. Claudius II beheaded him because he converted so many people to the faith.

What kind of love leads some one to give their lives for what they believe? Surely, it would be easier to renounce their belief, save their lives and later on enjoy knowing they tricked their accuser. But, no. To make a statement with your life that you are willing to die for something is an act of power.

Consider the early Christians, thrown to lions and wild beasts in the Roman arena. Crowds were astounded by how they calmly and contentedly went to their deaths, mostly seeming unafraid and peaceful. Some were even smiling as the beasts approached to kill them. "Where does that sort of peace come from?," the crowd wondered. The entire spectacle of the arena became pointless then. The Romans failed. They were unable to make a point about Christianity being bad in order to scare other people from becoming Christians. (Just like they could not scare Christians with crucifixion as much anymore!) It just wouldn't work.

In a world where belief systems change every day to match the moods and whims of the people, how many would die for the revelation they have today? It could change tomorrow. Oprah could come out with a new book. Dr. Phil could declare that worshipping lemmings is good for your health.

I'm in love with God because I know He won't change. God has already given me everything he has- body, blood, soul and divinity. His Church will not change. She is His Rock. My human, fickle, changeable heart, with its intense crazy moods and lazy and rebellious tendencies, isn't going anywhere anytime soon without His help. Love is being able to do what Christ did-- give all of ourselves for the good of another. 

This is why I need him-- so, so desperately.

Full Martyrology for St. Valentine

Seven Last Words

 "Even now, says the LORD, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning" began today's scripture reading from Joel 2:12. Last year at this time, my return to God was dramatic and profound. This year, I find myself going, "Oh, not that again!" The truth is that none of us, many saints included, have been able to turn to God with their whole heart in any given moment of time.

To love God with all our heart, soul and mind is a goal that should direct all our actions, but while our minds are distracted by putting other things first, we cannot offer God the sacrifice of our entire selves. So, that's why we have lent. It's to deny ourselves to purify out hearts so that we remember to love God before our many silly other loves, whether they be chocolate, wii or reality television.

I must confess I really don't like lent. It seems a long, dreary season that tends to pull on my emotions in "heavy" ways. I feel compelled to push myself further in sacrifice to remind myself that God is more important than anything else I could dream of giving up. It's not fun. And midway through, I want it to be over. I'm not a naturally very disciplined person and I get annoyed fairly easily when things aren't going my own way.

As I was writing in my previous blog, at this time last year, I made my first confession, by appointment. At the end of my twenty-five minute "ordeal," the priest gave me a little booklet. For my penance, he told me to go to the adoration chapel and read only one page. The booklet is called, "Seven Last Words," and it was written in 1958. As I left the confessional, I really felt light, like I was floating. I was having the oddest experience. For some reason, my psyche was just feeling so cleaned out, I felt close to God in a way I never had before. So, when I got to the adoration chapel, I was already weeping tears of joy when  I opened the little booklet and started to read, "the First Word." The first word is, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) (Catholics call the seven last sentences of Jesus the seven last words. I still do not really know why.)

I also still do not know why he wanted me to read that page in particular. It didn't matter though. I read the whole book, slowly, meditatively. I had just finished renouncing a life of sin while in confession, and so to read those words started to bond me back to God, like I was re-gluing something broken. And, I read that little book every day for forty days. Some days, I read it several times a day. Every day, I would wake up and want to read that book. Every day before mass, I would sit and read the book. I would take it to the adoration chapel with me. The little booklet became soothing and comforting and it reminded me of the freedom and joy I had experienced after my first confession. I'm free because he loves me. How amazing. Who wouldn't want to read that over and over?

I quit reading the book on Easter of last year, when I was confirmed. And now, I still have that little book and I'm looking forward to reading it again. Just holding the booklet brings back that sweetness. That little book is Jesus. It's the essence of Jesus, the soul of Jesus, in each of those seven last "words."

I would never have appreciated the seven last words of Jesus if they were given to me under any other circumstances.  But, because they were there to comfort and reassure me during such a vulnerable time, they became precious beyond measure. And, that's what Jesus would want. For me, those were the seven "first words" of my new life.

Yes, I want to love God more and more. That involves carefully looking at what is standing in the way between me and God and clearing it out. Lent is the gift God gives us to help us grow closer to Jesus. I pray that I will grow more receptive to that gift and see that gift as more important than any other thing I could possibly give up.

Why Are Women Afraid of Men as Leaders?

As a Carmelite aspirant, I look up with great respect to St. Teresa of Avila, the foundress of the Discalced Carmelite order. St. Teresa was profoundly wise and an impressive administrator. She not only founded and ran convents and monasteries all over Spain, but she surpassed her original intention to be a reformer. She founded a completely new monastic order, the "Discalced Carmelites," Carmelite in origins but infused with distinctly different charism. St. Teresa (along with St. Catherine of Sienna) was also the first female "doctor" of the Church.

Think about the millions of priests who have served the Church throughout the past 2000 years. How many of them were granted the coveted title of "Doctor of the Church?" Men are priests, not because they are better than women or superior to women, but because they are uniquely suited to that role.

Fathers have a great role to play in the spiritual future of their children. In Father Bryce's homily last Sunday, he spoke about a study done by Christian pollster George Barna, about the faithfulness of adults who were brought up in Christian homes. Here are the results, in a nutshell:

*Both parents participate in child's faith development= 73% of children are faithful as adults
*Mom only participates in child's faith development= 22%
*Dad only participates in faith development= 73% (same level as with both parents.)

Father Bryce says, "The role of father in the faith development of children is one of the great secrets to our children having faith when they become adults." Does this mean that the mother's role in nurturing her children's faith is useless? Of course not! But, there is just something powerful about what happens when a man takes on responsibility for leading the household's faith direction. Why? I think women are more naturally spiritual and more drawn to religion, because of our more receptive psychology and intuitive nature. Women also go to church more often than men, so people aren't surprised by their involvement. But, when a man takes a stand on faith, people perk up and listen.

 I thought this study result was alarming, so I looked around the internet for results of similar studies. Yes, these studies are replicated with similar results. One study said, "Even when the father is an irregular attender there are some extraordinary effects. An irregular father and a non-practicing mother will yield 25 percent of their children as regular attenders in their future life and a further 23 percent as irregulars. This is twelve times the yield where the roles are reversed."

Many people are disturbed by the idea of a father being considered a spiritual head of the home, because this could take away from a woman's power and ability to input her wisdom, insights and direction. I do not feel this is true. I believe a woman can offer her insights and direction more strongly and effectively when in tandem with a man who takes responsibility as spiritual leader. Fathers have more impact on their children's faith development because they do not have the more natural inclinations toward faith and service. A father as spiritual head of a household is doing something for which he has little innate talent or ability, which makes it all the more humbling and powerful as he grapples with the responsibility, so I think women should encourage it. His efforts will have a far more powerful impact because of this very thing.

We have been talking a lot and hearing a lot about women's empowerment over the years. Women need to be empowered to become soldiers or surgeons if they want to, as those are roles traditionally associated with men. Well, men need to be empowered to become leaders again, especially in areas in which they are considered weak. I once heard a priest preach about St. Joseph and how profoundly humbling it must have been for St. Joseph to be head of a home that included God and His impeccable mother. Anyone would be unqualified for such a job, and that is why I believe God wanted him to have it. That is how we learn and grow.

All of this is another reason why men have become priests by tradition, rather than women, and why this shouldn't be changed. I've heard all my life about how a strong man wants a strong woman by his side, because he's not intimidated by her. Well, the same is true for women. Just because we are growing stronger doesn't mean we shouldn't also encourage the men in our lives to be strong. Are we intimidated?

If we are to encourage men in their role as spiritual leaders, it is important that society see men in that role. If they do, men may be more likely to emulate what they see at church when they go home. As we've seen from research, the overall impact will be good for children, families and society. These studies bear out that a man's leadership, even erratic, carries great power.

A woman can still be immensely powerful, such as St. Teresa of Avila, but she had male confessors. Men always offered her the sacraments. I learned on my recent Carmelite retreat that St. Teresa never disobeyed her superiors, who were priests. Priests directed her development in a powerful way, lifted her up and the Church herself lifted her up as a Doctor of the Church. Just because men are assigned a certain job doesn't mean they are superior to women.

Sometimes, God in his wisdom creates systems of balance, and our sexuality is one of them. The word, "gender" is used to describe our sexuality in our world today, but "gender" implies that our masculine and feminine traits have nothing to do with the way our bodies, brains and hormones are designed. A person who believes God is our creator will see that He made men and women in his image, to balance each other.

The United States government has a system of "checks and balances" between the executive, legislative and judicial branches. No one runs about the street, marching and screaming that the legislative branch has a right to be the executive branch, or proclaiming, "Legislatism" as a new, radical social idea, since the President of the USA should not be superior. No, the leadership (executive branch) is in balance with the other two branches, just as a man and woman need to be in balance with each other, keeping checks and assuring harmony. None of the three branches of government are better or more important than the other two, although the executive branch contains the "leader." Families can be run the same way.

God created women and men to live in balance and trust with one another, creating healthy families for the growth of society. God did not create men and women with different bodies so we could mindlessly "hook up" with the opposite sex when we want to and "hook up" with others of our own sex when we want to, even though our bodies aren't specifically designed to do that. No, God actually had a wisdom in his design. This is not to say that people don't have free will and rights to do with their body as they will. God would never want to take that away, but, "male and female, created He them," it wasn't for some arbitrary reason. Otherwise, God would have created only females and given us all the power of virgin birth. No. God created men and women to work for and balance each other for the common good of the family and society.

Today, men have been losing their bearings, with no real idea of what it means to be men in the world today. Many single mothers are happy to be free of men to raise their children alone. Perhaps they associate men with "tyranny," as many feminists do. Historically, men have been tyrannical. Historically, men have also been fair. As more women have also been in positions of power, we have seen that they can be both tyrannical and fair. Why make this a "gender thing" about men being tyrants women must be free from?

Does this war between the sexes have to be the case? Does God's original plan call for tyranny, competition, or something else? Can we learn to trust each other again? Would that help our relationships and marriages maintain cohesion and longevity? Let's let men re-proclaim their roles as leaders, knowing male leadership is no threat to our lives as women, but a way to empower women, so men and women may work together for the good of society.

Sources:

http://frbryce.stmaryeugene.com/category/baptism-of-the-lord-2013/
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/geneveith/2010/12/raising-children-so-they-will-go-to-church-as-adults/

Parkinson's and Putians- Nothing's Really Lost

Watching my father's health be ravaged by Parkinson's Disease is like witnessing my own soul shed its skin like a snake. Following a heart attack, my father was, in one fell stroke, unable to walk or to feed himself. His Parkinson's had advanced due to the medical trauma. The man who was strong for me through my life became weak. The man who was brilliant for me became difficult to comprehend. But, even at the worst, what is left is the sweet and loving essence of who my father is. When I was able to spend time with my father, I was happy to wake up in the morning to go and be with that presence. He didn't have to talk to me about anything really. He didn't have to walk around and entertain me. He didn't need to take care of me or do anything for me. Just sitting with him brought me great joy.

While I was with my father, the Carmelite tradition strengthened me. The Carmelite tradition teaches me about keeping my focus on prayer throughout the day. As I practice this, my thoughts are directed out towards others more than they are pulled in towards myself. I find myself strengthened and fulfilled by practicing more generous love and more charitable thought. This keeps me more in alignment with faith and more careful of doing the right things,

My father once bought toys that looked like little people for my brother and me (see above pic). He called them, “Liliputians,” and he told us the story of the liliputians from Gulliver's Travels. So, my brother and I called the toys our “putians.” We played with the putians a lot until we just lost them, one sad day. My father wrote this short poem about the experience he had of finding toys we lost when I was a child:

Many years have passed.

Under fallen leaves, I found,

Lost toys you cried for.

My father's love permeates this short haiku. This poem was about how much he wanted me to be happy and how it saddened him when I was not, and it was about his regret of finding something too late that would have brought me that happiness.

And that is the way I feel right now. I feel I have found something in myself that my father spent most of his life crying for. He spent his life witnessing my lost soul. My father wanted me to share my gifts and talents with the world, but instead I used them selfishly and flagrantly. I wanted him to be proud of me, even though that never seemed to matter to him. My father knows more about loving unconditionally than anyone I know, but I wanted to show him I could do something that mattered. While I just lost my toys, my father lost his daughter. Now, as I wonder if I'm losing my father, I want to show him that the ways I brought him joy, his “toys” are there. They were just buried under the leaves.

Hopefully, my father will be rehabilitated back to the way he was before the heart attack, when he was mostly lucid in his thought process. I want that for his own sake. Sadly, in my selfishness, I also want him to see the works of my reparation, but he may not. I ask God to forgive me and help me let go of that selfishness. I ask God to help me love my father just as he is for his own sake, just as he has loved me. I am too old to play with putians or to play games with the truth.

Christ the King: The Cross is the Throne

Today is the day of Christ the King, the last Sunday of the liturgical year. Because this day interests me, I've done a good bit of reading about it from various articles and websites. One of the most novel ideas (to my formerly protestant mindset) is the image of the cross as the throne. If the cross were the throne, what would that mean?

The cross would mean that the willingness to endure discomfort, suffering and humiliation is such a powerful way to convey love that the cross is the center of the love that rules the world. Jesus offered nothing but love when those around him gave him nothing but hate. We see no sign of resentment, bitterness or anger in the words of Jesus on the cross. The cross shows us that the only victory in life is to love, with loyalty to God through all of life's ups and downs, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Jesus showed us His commitment to us through death on the cross. He demonstrated his loyalty.

Our society today is sorely lacking the guiding principles of loyalty and commitment. Half of all marriages fail. Even in today's job market, many people are still changing jobs almost as often as they change their socks. People change their "spiritual path" as it suits their whims, choosing whatever agrees with them as the truth at that particular time. Truth in our culture is relative and arbitrary.

Once upon a time, there was a man who made the deepest and most enduring commitment possible to you, even if you never loved Him back.

Many people don't like to look at the crucifix, saying such things as, "He's off the cross now. Let's talk about the resurrection." Jesus is never off the cross. He is married to it. The cross is His perfect commitment to you. Jesus rose and Jesus lives but the sacrifice He made on the cross saturates every moment we live, each time our heart beats or we blink an eye.

Jesus is a King who reigns from the cross. He needs no other throne to prove that he is God or to show he is important. The cross says it all.