The 7 Most Mindblowingly Liberating Things I've Learned As A Catholic

I finally figured out what matters.

This is it.

(1) I do not need a happy ending in life. 

The Meaning: Life isn't meant to be a fairy tale. Whether or not we become rich, famous or even comfortable is completely inconsequential. We are Christians. We follow the example of Christ, who died a brutal death. The majority of saints (and people in general) also died in unpleasant ways.

The Freedom: No matter how my life ends, I can die a "happy death," knowing that I am at peace with God. I will know my life has been worth living and my soul belongs to Jesus Christ forever, despite all of my human failings and any regrets.

(2) How I feel about my life doesn't matter. 

The Meaning: Whether I think my life is going well or not is completely inconsequential. How does God view it? And how can I improve my efforts to be of service to God? 

Is God heartless? Does he just not care what I am going through? No. He is compassionate. But when my feelings become more important than following His will, I don't need to pay attention to them and no one who really cares about me should pay attention to them either.

The Freedom: Less time wasted with pointlessly evaluating my life in terms of chemical and hormonal reactions to my environment. So, when I am able to accomplish detaching from my feelings, I have more time to actually live. And when I am able to accomplish actually living, all that time spent living is spent more at peace.

(3) How other people feel about my life doesn't matter either. 

 The Meaning: Whether people agree with what I believe and do is irrelevant because what God wants is important and not what they want. 

 The Freedom: I know what God wants is what's best for me. Unless someone is there to guide me towards discovering God's will, I do not need their opinion. So, if people want to insist that I accept moral relativism or reincarnation or abortion, they are not able to influence me at all. I am secure  in my convictions because I have strong roots in my desire to please Him. 

(4) Even if I became a god or goddess, it wouldn't matter. 

The Meaning: Having "personal power," or realizing the greatness in my soul in order to "manifest" whatever "abundance" I believe I deserve is not going to contribute one iota to my happiness or well being. I once believed that detaching myself from judgment, to achieve my desires, was freedom. Now, I see that the desires were the prison, not the judgment.

The Freedom: Who cares who I am? I belong to the infinite Creator of the universe, to all the power there is. To want what He wants is to want the perfect good. As much as I often think I am special or that I need to be special, the truth is that I don't have to be anybody, not anybody at all. Just His!

"Lord, when we ask you for honors, income, money or worldly things, do not hear us."

-St. Teresa of Avila

(5) If I never have sex again, it will not matter.

The Meaning: Sex is not necessary for psychological health.  Saints (those who were Religious or single) lived in deep fulfillment and peace without sex. A confidential survey of priests who have chosen celibacy showed that 90% are "very happy" with their decision. Having sex may be good for relieving stress, reducing blood pressure and it may have other health benefits, but not not having sex is not a proven physical or psychological health deterrent.

The Freedom: One less thing to focus on, feel driven by or worry about. One less empty thing to turn to as a potential "fix" for a lack of fulfillment in life. Less drama. Freedom from the hormones and intense drives and attachments of sex-based relationships. More complex and interesting aspects of myself and others to focus on. Far greater peace of mind. Me= Four years chaste. Loving it.

(6) One thing DOES matter:
Absolute truth is the only truth there is. 

The Meaning: If everything is equally true, then nothing is true. Truth has no meaning then.

The Freedom: I don't need to seek anymore. I have the True Faith. Yes, other religions contain some truth, but I have the full truth. I don't need to justify it, explain it, or convince anyone else. Remember, after all, I don't care how anyone else feels about it. I only need to live it, with deep gratitude.

(7) Never stop asking- "How Could I Do Better?" 

 The Meaning: It doesn't matter what horrible challenges life throws at me- Those are not excuses to wallow in self-pity or to justify selfishness. Nothing but doing my best is relevant.

The Freedom: This is the annoying part, the part that often does not feel freeing. Fortunately for me, (whenever I am able to remember it), I know that it does not matter how I feel. Yet, if I do not push forward, I am doomed to slide backward.  And truthfully, learning to live a Christian life is hard work. Yet, each time I free myself more from an over-attachment to a person, place or thing, it is worth it. Each moment I am not robotically controlled by my emotions and desires, I am freer.

Before my conversion, near the beginning of the RCIA program, our class discussed the goal of the Catholic Church. We were told that the goal is to help each Christian develop a more mature relationship with Jesus Christ. 

So, I said, "Wow. What would that look like?" The answer, from our teacher, Marybeth, was "saints." I was a little jarred, since I'd imagined that people who just believed and did what they were told could not be very mature.. but it's not WHAT you learn as much as HOW you learn that changes you, forms and matures you. Like everything else in the Church, it is paradox. 

Now that I understand what matters, I will spend the rest of my life working toward actually doing what counts. 

Every day, it seems I see how much worse I am at doing that. But, that's just how I feel, and that... 

doesn't matter.

Mercy and Miracles~ Reflections on Aspirancy

Today was my monthly "Carmelite Day." Each month, I spend the day at Carmel Maria Regina Monastery in Eugene, Oregon. It's a busy day. We have mass, morning and evening prayer, lectio divina and I have three classes. Every month, I have assignments to read and answer questions, but I've completed all the material for my Aspirancy now. The next step will hopefully be entering formation, which is the secular order's equivalent of moving from being a postulant to a novice. It's strange to think that this year hasn't been called "formation," because I'm definitely feeling like I've been being shaped and formed and the Carmelite way of life has had everything to do with it.

I reflected today about how I've grown in confidence this year. I'm feeling braver in the tasks I undertake. I have a fuller sense of what God wants from me in my life and I'm developing what can only be called a lay apostolate. In a year that I've also just been integrating what it means to be Catholic, I've been exploring what kind of Christian, or "new person in God," I really am. I'm nothing like I thought I was. I'm actually getting better at working together with others in groups and I feel like I have a better sense of humor. For an autistic like me, these are pretty amazing things. Just two years ago, I had no goal or purpose and had given up on life entirely. Just last year, I was afraid to be around people much at all. As amazing as this is, I am not amazing at all. The power of God working in me is what's amazing.

Our scripture reading for today was about the pharisee and the tax collector. The pharisee proudly tells everyone what a good and faithful Jew he is. He seems to do everything "right." He dots his I's and crosses his T's in all he does. He gives to charity, he fasts, he keeps the ten commandments. And, he certainly did not need Jesus' help. The tax collector beat his breast and said "O God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Jesus said that the tax collector was "justified," but the pharisee was not.

The tax collector was intensely aware of his need for God and of his absolute dependence on God. When we don't realize our absolute dependence on God for every breath we take and every thought we think, there's no room in our soul for God to enter in. After all, telling God you don't need Him is pretty much shutting the door on Him. It doesn't matter how many good works you do if you give yourself the glory.

You may have wondered why Catholics repeat, "God have mercy," so much. Well, the answer to your question is here. "God have mercy," is the equivalent of, "Help, I desperately need you!" The truth is that we do, desperately need God every minute of our lives. Our need to depend on Him will never go away.

As we go out in the world, we are bombarded with messages of how to "succeed" in careers and to surpass others financially or in the way we dress or look. We're inundated with messages to be the best in all we do and especially to be better than others in doing those things. These messages are so persistent and so strong that if I were not repeating, "Lord have mercy," to myself often, I would lose the realization of how much I need God. To lose that realization is to lose everything.

Humans are just so incredibly knuckle-headed. We don't remember such a basic thing. I know for me, I need constant repetition. My tendency is to be driven toward self-aggrandizement. I need constant reminders that I'm here to serve Him and not myself, and so I am Catholic.

Since I am dependent on God for everything, he deserves the glory in my life. I dearly want to give Him that, but sometimes I also want to steal the spotlight. This has been a wonderful year of growth for me, but it really has been all about God. He's been the center of my life and my constant prayer has been for His direction and help. I feel so grateful. This Easter will be my first anniversary as a Catholic. What a year!

Face Facts- We Live in a Fallen World

Four years ago, I turned forty and moved to Eugene, Oregon. Some say forty is too young for a mid-life crisis, but it wasn't for me.

I was born in Georgia, but had been living in North Carolina before I moved. Life had really become meaningless for me at that time. I was dissatisfied, disillusioned and disappointed. What I had thought was profound and enduring in my spiritual path became nothing but a temporary escape from the real world. I had “flown off” to a world where everything is perfect, you and I are perfect and you and I can become God. If you believe in yourself enough, you can become rich, always happy and always in love.

I used to tell myself over and over that everything was perfect and that my problem in life was that I just didn't have the awareness to see it. I used all sorts of “techniques” to help uncloud the “smoke from the mirror” so I could see my perfection.

Lies, lies and more lies. Just teachers telling you that anything contrary to their “perfect” worldview is a lie, spouting off to no end. I've never been happier to face imperfection than when I removed myself from those influences.

Telling ourselves it's a perfect world and that viewing imperfection is a defect of the mind (by the way, what a contradiction there!) allows us to turn a blind eye to those suffering in our world and society. I was taught that the only way to be happy was to be loving and giving, but I was also told that we only do that for ourselves because we want to be happy. Still meaningless and selfish.

So, where did that get me? How did that work out for me? Once I got used to living that belief system, I did in fact feel happy, self-confident and even in mistaken ecstasy at times. And, so what? Life is just for kicks?

Life is not just a playground. Some things really do matter and that is why we're here.

And yet, four years ago, I did not realize that. For lack of anything better to do, I moved to Eugene, Oregon. I had heard they had good social services in Eugene and I have a disability so that appealed to me. I heard it was fun because “anything goes” and people are creative and do their own thing.

Four years later, I look outside my window here in downtown Eugene. For the most part, I see what I have always seen here- aimless and lost-looking people, some happy, some sad- but all with those lost-looking eyes. I see people walking along playing musical instruments, wearing odd costumes, cross-dressers, homeless teens and adults pushing carts, with plastic tarp on their head to protect them from the rain who are singing to themselves, doing kung fu in the air or screaming obscenities at no one, defending their rights to be homeless as if that is what they really want.

It is so sad to see so many lost lives, lost souls. I cannot judge anyone because I spent most of my life so lost like that. It is a painful, scary life in so many ways. But, how did I come to the place where I questioned the life I was living and realized I needed to change?

I had lived in California for six years, but came home to Georgia when I got pregnant. My boyfriend at the time wanted nothing to do with baby, but I wanted her with all my heart. I knew I needed to go home for help, though. I miscarried on the way there, as I was driving through Louisiana. The loss of a baby was devastating and I had already left my west coast life behind. I didn't have the financial resources to go back. My old new age support system just didn't seem interested in communicating with me anymore. Those I thought were friends rarely wrote back or didn't at all. I guess they knew checks for future workshops would not be forthcoming for me.

That is when reality hit that I was not living in a perfect world. Because of my unstable lifestyle, I would have had great difficulty caring for a child. Because of my unstable lifestyle, I wasn't married either, and my child would have grown up without having a relationship with a father. I remembered that when my mother became pregnant with me, both of my parents cried. They were in their thirties and had been trying to conceive for years. They were ready for me, having built the foundation for a home. I couldn't give the same to my baby.

I've never been pregnant in my life except for that one time, and I am almost too old to have children anymore. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother. But, that was playing with dolls and wanting to dress them up in cute clothes and pull them around in a wagon. I didn't understand the responsibility and I did not prepare for it, either.

When I realized how far my life had fallen away from what I originally wanted, I realized that I had a problem. I had not just fallen away from what I originally wanted, but I had fallen away from what God originally wanted. God's original plan involved a different view of families. Those families would multiply and bear spiritual fruit. It's when we demanded the “fruit” only for ourselves that we stepped outside of God's kingdom.

When I was studying to become Catholic, our priest (who is now a bishop,) taught a class about morality. The gist of morality, he says, is accepting reality and living life on those terms. All sin, he said, is an effort to escape that reality. I thought about it. Yes. Drug abuse, compulsive drinking, shopping, eating, pornography, the need to steal and kill for what we don't have- all of these sins are based on the desire to flee reality.

I realize now the world is imperfect and that my problem in life was that I didn't have the awareness to see it. Now, I use sacraments and sacramentals to help understand the Reality that Is.

This is a fallen world and that is why a life of selfish pursuit of pleasure, fame, status and money will not “pick us up” and take us where we really want to go. The best these things can do is make our existence in the fallen world more comfortable. I think a lot of us wake up at about forty. At least, those who are lucky do.

My life has purpose now. My life has deep and rich meaning. I wake up with a sense of purpose and I am satisfied at the end of the day. I finally understood that in all the mad and crazy spinning of the universe and in my personal world, there are truths that remain solid and unchanging. This is not a perfect world, but I love and serve a perfect God who is guiding us toward perfection.

Every day that I am Catholic, I thank God with all my heart because he found me when I was lost, had mercy on me in my misery and when I lost all hope, He gave me a life worth living.

Lent and Last Year's Act of Contrition

Next week begins lent, bringing up a mixture of feelings inside me. Last year during lent, it was the phase of "purification and enlightenment" for those of us joining the Catholic Church at the Easter Vigil. I took it very seriously in that regard. In protestant churches I had been a member of before, lent was a part of our church calendar. We gave something up, like ice cream or whisky or whatever, and waited for Easter. It was just something we did that time of year.

Catholicism, I found, was very different. On Ash Wednesday, we know we are preparing for an important ordeal- oops, I mean undertaking. I had never done the "Stations of the Cross" before, but I did them every Friday throughout lent. I gave up lots of things- diet coke for a day, computer games for a week, not just ice cream, although I did give that up. Holy week was so intense I could do almost nothing but contemplate God. What I did during that time of "purification and enlightenment" set the tone for my entire lifestyle and identity today as a Catholic. My actions helped form a deep resolve and commitment to Christ. With this depth of cleansing, I was more fully prepared for the joy and freedom Easter represents.

I include for you here the act of contrition I wrote myself for my first confession in February of last year. The night before my first confession, I had fitful sleep, kept dreaming about being in purgatory and was repeating the "sinner's prayer," over and over just to try to settle all the disturbance in my mind. But, the product of my anguish was this simple prayer I wrote from the depths of my heart, which I might pray during this lent to remind myself of my original promise to God.

Dearest Jesus, I am overcome with grief for having mistreated the gifts you have given me and for living a life far outside the Divine Order you intended for me. I can hold nothing back from you ever again, but firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to offer you the purest fruits of living that are possible from my heart. Help me love and glorify you in all that I am, say and do. Kindle in me constantly the desire and the hunger for good and the obedience never to question the life and tasks you set before me.

Help me always to follow your path and delight in your will. Please give me the strength to dedicate my life to your glory. Although I will always be an unworthy servant, give me confidence to speak and act as one you love and cherish. Don't let me turn my back on you again, but to be ever loyal. Show me what I must do to set things right and help me have strength and courage to carry that out.

Take me as yours, forever and always,

In your name I pray.

Amen.

Secularism- The New Opiate of the Masses

I did all the things secular society says you should do to be happy. I tried to buy all the best stuff, avoid sexual repression, empower myself, and most importantly, strive to feel good and drive any guilt, fear or judgment away at all costs. Yet, at the close of my first forty years on earth, I reeled at how absolutely meaningless all of it had been. Although I had done good things for other people, I did it because it felt good for me to do it. Even my charity had been selfish in nature. 

During this time, I turned to the Catholic Church for answers. What I found surprised me. I learned things like how and why bearing suffering has deep meaning and value. I learned about how the greatest freedom can lie in surrendering some of the "freedom" I have for a greater good. I took a look at society. I saw a wounded, hurting world, desperately and continually seeking a fix. Each person grasped for their own fix, whether it be shopping, porn, food or reality tv. People were looking anywhere and everywhere to soothe the pain and block the aching sense of meaninglessness in their lives.

I had often heard the expression, "Religion is the opiate of the masses," by Karl Marx. I assumed religion helped sugar-coat people's view of reality and gave comfort to the comfortless through childish stories. What I found when I actually started going to church was anything but that. My first day of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) class, Deacon Tom told us, "We're not here to sell you heaven on earth." I knew at that moment, I could probably trust what was being said. No one was there to make money and no one was there to try to medicate my mind into some opiate-filled stupor. No one would want me to repeat to myself over and over that I'm perfect in every way so I could escape into a complacent haze. Even in Father Liam's class on morality, he taught us that everything immoral is a type of escape from the truth of reality. I reflected on it and saw that it was so.

True religion is hard work. Mohandas Gandhi, when contemplating Christianity, said, "Living Christ means a living cross; without it life is a living death." Gandhi easily and intuitively grasped the concept of the "cross." Suffering is intrinsic to what it means to be human and suffering gives meaning to life. All major religions of the world have taught this. It is only the secular worldview, based on "new age" type teachings and philosophies that do not.

I learned all sorts of absurd things in the secular world, like how religion suppresses sexuality, which causes psychiatric problems. The Church has focused on sublimation, rather than repression. The secular response to this misunderstanding was not the answer. In fact, when I look at the psychiatric condition of the world today, since the "sexual revolution," I see greater incidence of mental illness, with the added "bonus" that about half of all families have shattered into pieces through divorce or single parenting. No amount of material things brings true joy in life either. Lottery winners have a much higher rate of suicide than the material population. I realized most of what I had been told and sold as true was just lies, lies, lies.

I reached a point in life where if you asked me, "Laura, which would you prefer in life, to feel good or to feel anything the Lord wishes as long as it is His will," it was a "no-brainer." Of course I want God. I want to cope with reality. I want to embrace life on its own terms. I want life to mean something again. I will trade my secular "opiates" for the tough stuff because it is the only stuff that matters.

Growing up: It's Not About What I Want

Sometimes, I feel blocked in my prayer life. I spend a lot of time analyzing why I might be blocked, examining my conscience over and over, looking at my motives and trying to sort out what might be a sin. I've learned now just to take notes. I have a journal with a section for daily musings and a separate section for examination of conscience. I keep them separate so that I have a more focused, clear intention when I do my evening "examination."

Sometimes, I've used columns, weighing ethics of right and wrong, but I'm still focused on sorting it out. It's not like journaling about what a nice lunch I had with a friend. Even everyday notes like that can give me a great sense of patterns and progress in my life, but I write in the "journal" section for expression and the "examination" section for discernment. 

This process is really tough for me. Part of the reason it's tough is my autism. Ambiguity and shades of grey are not very easy for me to wade through. Part of the problem is that like every sinner, the voice of what I want to do is louder than the whisper of what is the right thing to do. There are people who have actually made a religion out of listening to the loud voice of what they want and drowning out their annoying conscience. Thankfully, that didn't work for me too well, but the vestiges of that sort of thinking can trip me up if I'm not careful.

While I used to panic about doing the wrong thing, I've learned to go about this process calmly. One of our Carmelite priests, Father Jan (now in Uganda), told me that God has an interesting way of working in our lives. He only shows us one thing at a time, and it's what's right in front of us. So, when we're wondering what to do, look to the present moment and to what God is saying here and now. That type of thinking has calmed me down when I've felt the frantic need to figure things out. Father Jan is also the one who helped me figure out a system of note taking and analysis, so I could look at it like a scientist and see patterns over time.

Why bother with all this? The old me did examinations of my life to see where I was holding myself  back from getting what I wanted in life, whether that be material wealth, fame, love or luxury. I would try to eliminate traces of guilt, fear and shame in order to pursue my goals with greater success.

The new me says, "Who cares?" God is SO much greater than my petty little desires and concerns. Although God ultimately wants us to experience His peace and joy, for us to come to Him solely to seek consolation is nothing more than using Him and treating Him like an object. My goal is to have a real relationship, really give and take with God. Sorry if it sounds crude, but it's not "do me, do me," anymore. Every time I meditate on the life of Jesus, I'm getting to know Him. I'm not just droning a monologue on and on about myself in prayer. Jesus is God and he is also fully human forever. I know he loves me and all, but even perfect humans get bored!

When I was in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults,) on my way to becoming Catholic, we learned in class that the purpose of Catholicism is to have a mature relationship with Jesus Christ. At first, I was surprised. I had grown up being told that Catholics didn't think for themselves and were childlike in spirituality. I learned that nothing is further from the truth. Father Bryce, one of our parish priests, taught us that it's not that Catholics don't think FOR ourselves; We just don't think BY ourselves. We think WITH theological giants through 2000 years of combined experience and councils.

More importantly, whose spirituality is more mature than that of the saints? In RCIA, I asked, "What does a mature relationship with Christ look like?" Well, we have thousands of examples throughout history of what that looks like. Various, diverse, creative manifestations of God through amazing people show us the way to ultimate meaning and truth.

I wish I could tell you why I do what I do and what I hope to gain by it, but I can't. If I could do that, I might as well find a spiritual charlatan who will know how to sell it to me. God gives us unconditional love, but WE can choose to make it conditional by refusing to cooperate with that love. Part of that love is the expectation that I do not just spend my life "manifesting my desires." Instead, I spend my life learning to discern and manifest HIS.

This link goes to a really neat method. A Carmelite nun gives an outline of how to examine conscience through using the Interior Castle of St. Teresa. Truly cool!

The Awesome Sister Carmen Explains All

The Ignatian Examen is a popular method of exploration of conscience. It's good too. 

Ignatian Examination of Conscience