What is Lent? Why do you have it?

I spoke to someone today who knew nothing at all about Lent, other than about the "lint" that you find in the clothes dryer. I realized that the terms I use routinely are like a foreign language to her. So, she suggested it might be a good idea to blog about it, to let people know what Lent is really all about.

Most people know that Lent is when Catholics (and some Lutherans and Episcopalians) get ashes smeared on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday and after that, they give up something they like for forty days until Easter. When most people hear of this, it seems really odd and even incomprehensible to them. What's the point? They wonder. How weird!

I'm sure a lot of people hear or read this, roll their eyes and think to themselves, "Why do they want to deprive themselves?" Sure. Well, it isn't typically "fun." It's a pretty serious time for us, a time of sacrifice. We're also happy and joyful, but overall, Lent is a somber season. 

So, what is Lent and why do we call it a "season" anyway?

Lent is a Church season. Just like we all have fall, winter, spring and summer, the Church has Advent, Christmas, Lent, Easter and Pentecost. We follow the cycle of a Church calendar so that we (as one united church family of 1.2 billion people) can explore the life of Christ and how it relates to us, not just individually, but together.

The way I explained this to my friend today was that my relationship with Jesus is a friendship. Friends listen to each other and want to get to know each other. I don't have a one-sided relationship with God, like I would have like a therapist, teacher or a purely authority figure. I have an intimate relationship with God through Jesus, and so because I love Him, I take the time to get to know Him.

When I pray, I don't just talk to him about my life, to try to get him to understand me and my moods and needs, but I try to understand Him, both as God AND as a human being, like me. As a human being, He has normal feelings, just as we have. He has sadness, anger, fear and joy.

What's the first thing you do when you form a new friendship? You want to learn about the other person. You listen to their experiences and you imagine being in their "shoes" as best you can. You think about how the other person may have felt about things and what they went through.

Jesus went through a lot between the time when he was arrested and when he died on the cross. Because He went through so many intense and important things, we have a ritual called, "The Stations of the Cross," which allows us to meditate deeply upon each event Jesus experienced on His last day. 

Why would we do that? Why would we be so focused on that? Because we feel sad that our friend had to go through all that for us. We want to show Him respect and honor. We want to show Him we care about what happened and what he went through. A friend would do this for a friend. It's like being a good, caring and attentive listener, a witness to His pain and appreciative of His gift of Himself.

When we give things up, whatever they are, we are letting Jesus know that we want to give gifts to Him too. We want to offer Him small gifts of sacrifice to show our appreciation. Making our small sacrifices helps us empathize and identify with His pain and sacrifice and it helps unite us to Him. He made the Ultimate Sacrifice and nothing we can give means anything next to that. But, we need to learn to grow in love and so we practice giving all we can give back to Him.

So, that's why crazy Catholics give up chocolate or alcohol or Facebook or television for forty whole days. It's a very little action that means a whole lot more when we approach it in the right way. Sure, some people just go through the motions, but we are lucky to have special events, programs and liturgies throughout the lenten season to deepen our relationship with God as much as we feel drawn or inclined.

Next Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, the day that begins our season of Lent. I look forward to it even though it's not an easy time, because I know the more I put into it, the closer I grow towards God.

Discerning God's Will in a New Year

I haven't blogged this month because I've been going through a period of reflection and transition in my career.

This past year, I published five books, an e-book and an app and also provided social media management for 1st Way. I stayed stressed all the time and still didn't reach the business goals I had in the original grant proposal. It was too many balls to try to juggle, although overall, I'm happy with the results of last year.

Insights from Carmel by Patricia Tresselle, OCDS, got released at the wrong time with the wrong files. If you've purchased this book, we'll send you another one free. Big glitch but problem now solved. Luckily, we caught it really fast and the problem is fixed now. This book is a Secular Carmelite formation manual that can be used by anyone, Carmelite or not, to grow closer to union with God.

I'm about to receive a "second tier" of grant funding. So, I'm trying to finish writing my updated business and marketing plan for the next six months. The plan is this- I'm publishing a book by Deacon Matthias Lugendo and I am developing an app on a "secret" subject. The rest of my attention will be towards marketing projects for the seven products I already have out on the market. No more social media work for any other companies, either. (Although this could change, as I'm not through writing the plan.)

You might have noticed I am "all about Uganda" lately. Yes. It started because I met someone online who impressed me immensely- a brilliant deacon who grew up in an extremely poor village with no running water, no shoes. He survived typhoid and malaria and being abandoned by both parents at the age of six. He has the best attitude toward life of anyone I've known. Nothing is more humbling than to help Deacon Matthias publish his autobiography, to record his story of  how he consistently overcame these odds through faith in God, deep gratitude and trust that he would make it through to be of service to God. He has a natural heart of gold, the kind of heart most of us have to work hard all our lives to try to cultivate. 

I'm a person of both enthusiasm and a tendency towards extremes. Since I am Catholic, I get to call it "zeal," so it sounds like I'm practicing great virtue when I throw myself headlong into a cause. So, I set up a scholarship fund for seminarians on Go Fund Me. The results weren't bad. The fund influenced a full scholarship, partial scholarship and donation towards books. I know at least two of the four seminarians I was trying to raise money for are going to go back to school this semester. The other two will not make it because the deadline has either passed or will pass in the next few days. So, I still did not think the results were very good enough.

I have since spoken with Fr John Judie of Father John Judie Ministries, which provides scholarships to seminarians all over east Africa. Father John is not covering Uganda right now but he outlined a way for me to be more effective in fundraising. I'm considering starting a non-profit as a part of that. I need to approach this in a more strategic way. Also I'll need to work on contacting and working with the seminaries directly, so funds can hopefully go directly there. Crowdfunding doesn't seem to be the best medium for this, although I'm still keeping that platform open for people who want to use it. The money will still go to seminarians.

I believe that people who give all their hard work and dedication towards overcoming great obstacles for the glory of God should be helped when they've done all they can and it's still not enough. That is why it is important to sponsor seminarians in third world countries, such as Uganda. Is this to be God's will for me forever to me to work towards this? For a few months? That's up to God and not me. I might even find my time is too limited to do as much for that cause as I really want to do.

I resigned as president of 1st Way, Eugene. I realized I was wrong about what God was calling me to do. I'm still sad about it and miss it. I wish them all the best and hope they continue to grow and thrive and save lives of babies and empower women to take care of themselves, carry their children to term and still live meaningful lives with education and careers.

One of the toughest things in the world is discernment of God's will, but I can tell you what God's will is not:

God's will is not to assume we have found the right ministry in life and to confidently and rigidly cling to that. God's will is not to assume we are better than others because we think we do things better than they do, or to insist we be the best. God's will is also not to be downcast and gloomy, to project negative outcomes in life, to wish negative outcomes in life for others, or to reject the mercy and grace of God because we'd rather feel sorry for ourselves or punish ourselves. We don't get to do this and pretend we are still following God's will. These are sins.

I know a little bit about what God's will is:

God's will is to be open, receptive, positive and trusting, even if he leads us down a windy road or what feels like a confusing maze. God's will isn't as much what specific things we need to choose as much as it is about choosing to give God the reins and allow Him to be our master or not.

We get to make this choice every day of our lives and every moment of our lives. It is the ONLY important decision we make.

Mercy and Miracles~ Reflections on Aspirancy

Today was my monthly "Carmelite Day." Each month, I spend the day at Carmel Maria Regina Monastery in Eugene, Oregon. It's a busy day. We have mass, morning and evening prayer, lectio divina and I have three classes. Every month, I have assignments to read and answer questions, but I've completed all the material for my Aspirancy now. The next step will hopefully be entering formation, which is the secular order's equivalent of moving from being a postulant to a novice. It's strange to think that this year hasn't been called "formation," because I'm definitely feeling like I've been being shaped and formed and the Carmelite way of life has had everything to do with it.

I reflected today about how I've grown in confidence this year. I'm feeling braver in the tasks I undertake. I have a fuller sense of what God wants from me in my life and I'm developing what can only be called a lay apostolate. In a year that I've also just been integrating what it means to be Catholic, I've been exploring what kind of Christian, or "new person in God," I really am. I'm nothing like I thought I was. I'm actually getting better at working together with others in groups and I feel like I have a better sense of humor. For an autistic like me, these are pretty amazing things. Just two years ago, I had no goal or purpose and had given up on life entirely. Just last year, I was afraid to be around people much at all. As amazing as this is, I am not amazing at all. The power of God working in me is what's amazing.

Our scripture reading for today was about the pharisee and the tax collector. The pharisee proudly tells everyone what a good and faithful Jew he is. He seems to do everything "right." He dots his I's and crosses his T's in all he does. He gives to charity, he fasts, he keeps the ten commandments. And, he certainly did not need Jesus' help. The tax collector beat his breast and said "O God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Jesus said that the tax collector was "justified," but the pharisee was not.

The tax collector was intensely aware of his need for God and of his absolute dependence on God. When we don't realize our absolute dependence on God for every breath we take and every thought we think, there's no room in our soul for God to enter in. After all, telling God you don't need Him is pretty much shutting the door on Him. It doesn't matter how many good works you do if you give yourself the glory.

You may have wondered why Catholics repeat, "God have mercy," so much. Well, the answer to your question is here. "God have mercy," is the equivalent of, "Help, I desperately need you!" The truth is that we do, desperately need God every minute of our lives. Our need to depend on Him will never go away.

As we go out in the world, we are bombarded with messages of how to "succeed" in careers and to surpass others financially or in the way we dress or look. We're inundated with messages to be the best in all we do and especially to be better than others in doing those things. These messages are so persistent and so strong that if I were not repeating, "Lord have mercy," to myself often, I would lose the realization of how much I need God. To lose that realization is to lose everything.

Humans are just so incredibly knuckle-headed. We don't remember such a basic thing. I know for me, I need constant repetition. My tendency is to be driven toward self-aggrandizement. I need constant reminders that I'm here to serve Him and not myself, and so I am Catholic.

Since I am dependent on God for everything, he deserves the glory in my life. I dearly want to give Him that, but sometimes I also want to steal the spotlight. This has been a wonderful year of growth for me, but it really has been all about God. He's been the center of my life and my constant prayer has been for His direction and help. I feel so grateful. This Easter will be my first anniversary as a Catholic. What a year!

Secularism- The New Opiate of the Masses

I did all the things secular society says you should do to be happy. I tried to buy all the best stuff, avoid sexual repression, empower myself, and most importantly, strive to feel good and drive any guilt, fear or judgment away at all costs. Yet, at the close of my first forty years on earth, I reeled at how absolutely meaningless all of it had been. Although I had done good things for other people, I did it because it felt good for me to do it. Even my charity had been selfish in nature. 

During this time, I turned to the Catholic Church for answers. What I found surprised me. I learned things like how and why bearing suffering has deep meaning and value. I learned about how the greatest freedom can lie in surrendering some of the "freedom" I have for a greater good. I took a look at society. I saw a wounded, hurting world, desperately and continually seeking a fix. Each person grasped for their own fix, whether it be shopping, porn, food or reality tv. People were looking anywhere and everywhere to soothe the pain and block the aching sense of meaninglessness in their lives.

I had often heard the expression, "Religion is the opiate of the masses," by Karl Marx. I assumed religion helped sugar-coat people's view of reality and gave comfort to the comfortless through childish stories. What I found when I actually started going to church was anything but that. My first day of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) class, Deacon Tom told us, "We're not here to sell you heaven on earth." I knew at that moment, I could probably trust what was being said. No one was there to make money and no one was there to try to medicate my mind into some opiate-filled stupor. No one would want me to repeat to myself over and over that I'm perfect in every way so I could escape into a complacent haze. Even in Father Liam's class on morality, he taught us that everything immoral is a type of escape from the truth of reality. I reflected on it and saw that it was so.

True religion is hard work. Mohandas Gandhi, when contemplating Christianity, said, "Living Christ means a living cross; without it life is a living death." Gandhi easily and intuitively grasped the concept of the "cross." Suffering is intrinsic to what it means to be human and suffering gives meaning to life. All major religions of the world have taught this. It is only the secular worldview, based on "new age" type teachings and philosophies that do not.

I learned all sorts of absurd things in the secular world, like how religion suppresses sexuality, which causes psychiatric problems. The Church has focused on sublimation, rather than repression. The secular response to this misunderstanding was not the answer. In fact, when I look at the psychiatric condition of the world today, since the "sexual revolution," I see greater incidence of mental illness, with the added "bonus" that about half of all families have shattered into pieces through divorce or single parenting. No amount of material things brings true joy in life either. Lottery winners have a much higher rate of suicide than the material population. I realized most of what I had been told and sold as true was just lies, lies, lies.

I reached a point in life where if you asked me, "Laura, which would you prefer in life, to feel good or to feel anything the Lord wishes as long as it is His will," it was a "no-brainer." Of course I want God. I want to cope with reality. I want to embrace life on its own terms. I want life to mean something again. I will trade my secular "opiates" for the tough stuff because it is the only stuff that matters.

Carmel Heart Media in the New Year

Welcome to the New Year! Carmel Heart Media, LLC was founded in November, 2012, with grant funding from Lane VR and a carefully designed business plan with my adviser Leah, of Lane Small Business Center. Since November, I obtained a business license and office equipment, professional software and beautiful business cards. Over the summer, while I waited for my grant to come through, I took on two clients to help them with their self-publishing needs, which have ranged from editing to layout and cover design. In the process, more have lined up with an interest in becoming published, now that I own my own imprint.

My original plan was for me to publish e-books and apps of my own work, yet now demand has been strong for print projects. Carmel Heart Media will offer two print publication services: full publishing under the CHM imprint for premium quality manuscripts that fit the genre and theme of Carmel Heart Media, and also basic book production for those who want to self-publish. This will involve a la carte services, such as cover design and editing, or putting the entire book into print-ready form. These services will cost less than any service available on-line including Amazon's CreateSpace, AND clients will receive personalized care and attention not available from the mass self-publishing industry.

None of these projects were my original business goal and they weren't even included in my business plan. However, these are skills I have and enjoy using, and they are skills people want. Hopefully, by the spring, I will have my new web page designed, which will have many more details and samples of my work, especially showcasing my graphic design work, such as the cover I created above. I won't be able to do it all and wear all hats. I have a volunteer employee who will be working with me, until I am able to pay him. This should free me up to follow the monthly targets that are on my original business plan, which has an eight item product list for 2013. Because of this, I am only working with one Carmel Heart Publishing author at a time and time-frames for a la carte services may be longer than the industry standard. Luckily, my plan is flexible enough to accommodate these changes in what I'm able to offer, because I'm excited about helping new authors succeed in realizing their dreams.

Carmel Heart Media books will have an inspirational theme and incorporate aspects of the Carmelite tradition, such as mindfulness and contemplation, or they will be works with complementary themes. We welcome inquiries at info@carmelheart.com. Our first book will be Ordinary Heroes: Creating a Culture of Life, by Terry Ianora, OCDS, and we are planning a release for the anniversary of Roe v Wade this month. Terry has been a client since June of this year, and her book has been created with great care and love.

I'm looking forward to an insanely busy year, but not a stressful one, because I'm doing what I love. My most cherished project will be the development of a Borderline and Beyond app for sale on Itunes. Thanks for everyone for their support and encouragement as I and Carmel Heart Media go forward in the new year!

Christ the King: The Cross is the Throne

Today is the day of Christ the King, the last Sunday of the liturgical year. Because this day interests me, I've done a good bit of reading about it from various articles and websites. One of the most novel ideas (to my formerly protestant mindset) is the image of the cross as the throne. If the cross were the throne, what would that mean?

The cross would mean that the willingness to endure discomfort, suffering and humiliation is such a powerful way to convey love that the cross is the center of the love that rules the world. Jesus offered nothing but love when those around him gave him nothing but hate. We see no sign of resentment, bitterness or anger in the words of Jesus on the cross. The cross shows us that the only victory in life is to love, with loyalty to God through all of life's ups and downs, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Jesus showed us His commitment to us through death on the cross. He demonstrated his loyalty.

Our society today is sorely lacking the guiding principles of loyalty and commitment. Half of all marriages fail. Even in today's job market, many people are still changing jobs almost as often as they change their socks. People change their "spiritual path" as it suits their whims, choosing whatever agrees with them as the truth at that particular time. Truth in our culture is relative and arbitrary.

Once upon a time, there was a man who made the deepest and most enduring commitment possible to you, even if you never loved Him back.

Many people don't like to look at the crucifix, saying such things as, "He's off the cross now. Let's talk about the resurrection." Jesus is never off the cross. He is married to it. The cross is His perfect commitment to you. Jesus rose and Jesus lives but the sacrifice He made on the cross saturates every moment we live, each time our heart beats or we blink an eye.

Jesus is a King who reigns from the cross. He needs no other throne to prove that he is God or to show he is important. The cross says it all.

What is Union with God?

Happy All Saint's Day!

All Saints Day is a perfect day for this blog, to help me explain what "Carmel Hearts" is all about. I am an aspirant for the Order of Discalced Carmelites, Secular (OCDS, also known as a tertiary or third order.) What that means is that through this year, I contemplate whether or not a deeper commitment to the Carmelite way of life is right for me. Even if I discern that it is not, the spirit of Carmel has changed me forever and will never leave me. I will always have Carmel in my heart. So, this blog is for anyone who loves the Carmelite tradition, the lives and writings of the Carmelite saints, or just the amazing charism of the Carmelites, prayer and especially contemplative prayer.

The Discalced Carmelites were founded by St. Teresa of Avila, who is my confirmation saint. I chose St. Teresa because I'm in my forties and starting over with my life and St. Teresa's  life only began to flower in her forties. St. Teresa was an extroverted girl who struggled most of her life with prayer, but she matured into a master contemplative while in her forties. Near the end of her life, St. Teresa lived in union with God. She wrote that she did not know where she ended and God began, sometimes, and that she found herself quickly forgetting her own past, and even who she was. She had not become a God. She had allowed herself to dissolve into the majesty of God, to become a conduit for His Majesty to flood the world with grace and love.

I've always sought union with God, but I've gone about it in some crazy ways. Gurus in some "new age" traditions brag about "achieving" union with God, but it is to portray their power and strength in becoming God. This bravado attracts followers who reflect the guru's power back in the hopes to get a piece of it for themselves. I somehow thought that was what I was searching for, this "empowerment" to create "abundance" and "prosperity" and to become like a God. The more I became involved in it, the more I was taught that my role was to "become God," yet when I failed at that, I found myself worshiping the guru and if not him, the "ascended master of the week." My life was empty then.

All I ever REALLY wanted was sanity, peace and wholeness in myself. I never dreamed I would fall in love with God, who became incarnate as the greatest hero who ever lived, and that He would become my best friend. I never imagined I would find such a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment in learning to do His will.

Earlier this month, I went to the Secular Carmelite weekend retreat in Beaverton. The topic for the weekend was "obedience." At the retreat, I learned that the first step in union with God was to be in unity with His will. St. Teresa had many intuitions that her spiritual director did not agree with, so she followed his direction instead, without hesitation. In most of the situations, the decision was less important than the opportunity St. Teresa had to let go of pride and her need to be right and in control. St. Teresa made a vast array of decisions and was given great responsibility by the Church, but in those few times she was directed, she did not even argue. I learned at the retreat that St. Teresa said, "The Devil ceases attacking IF we are truly resigned.” 

Obedience is key to surrender to God's will.  Sometimes, that obedience is to superiors, but more often, for lay people obedience is about accepting life on life's terms. Give up. Wave the white flag. I did. I had no energy to fight anymore and I had no question or doubt in my mind that every other route I had taken in my life led nowhere. My first terror was that I would still be led astray because evil is incredibly subtle and tricky. St. Teresa helped me to remember to just let go, to God's care. That's the way to truly be free.

(Added Note: I am only at the very beginning- nowhere near "in union" with God, just working towards it really hard. Thank God for the saints that give us hope and show us the way!)

Change of Heart

Welcome to my new blog, Carmel Heart!

Some may remember me as the author of Borderline and Beyond, a self-help book that I revised twice over the past fifteen years. Soon, the book will be published again as the original edition. I'm looking forward to returning to my simple roots, writing what is positive and practical.

Others may know me as the woman who made over seventy videos on YouTube about autism. Yes, I was diagnosed with autism later in life and found a new way to share about coping skills, through video. Yet, when I updated Borderline and Beyond with information about autism, the essence of the book was diluted. In the future, I'll be separating the subjects.

I've spent the past five years or so in reflection. Life wasn't going the way I wanted. I had gained a lot of the material things I wanted, including prestige, and yet my life was empty. New Age teaching that I thought was of solid benefit fell apart when I realized a life “all about me” and “learning to love myself” was empty and devoid of meaning. So, I dismantled pretty much my whole way of doing things, including letting my old website go. I decided I didn't care anymore about living just for me, so I didn't do much of anything at all until I converted to Catholicism and found a whole new way of life with meaning. That meaning is nourished through my study of the Carmelite tradition.

Carmel is a mountain range in northern Israel where the Carmelite tradition began with a sacrifice by Elijah, and continued as a community of hermits on Mount Carmel with the prophet Elias. The Carmelites were founded as a Christian order in the 12^th Century.

During a drought and famine, in a world that was lost and worshiping idols, Elijah brought bountiful truth to the heart and rain to the land.

Well, now I'm an aspirant for the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites. The goal of this blog is not religion, but rather for me to write as much as possible from the spirit and heart of Carmel. But no, I'm not planning to be preachy. I'm not re-doing anything I've done before to make it religious. Religion has changed my heart, from a hardened heart to a more natural heart. But, it has not made me want to push more ideas, just more compassion.

The question I hope to answer through this blog is, “How can we re-infuse our lost, dead culture with vibrancy and life?” Join the discussion. Add your voice and ideas.

“Answer me, Lord, answer me, so that these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.” -Elijah (1 Kings 18:37)