An Invitation to Eternal Friendship

My former formation director asked why I haven't blogged in a while, and she suggested that my writing about the humanity of Christ may be a good idea. I had shared with her something my spiritual director taught me last week and she said it had revolutionized her thinking and deepened her experience of the Eucharist. So, she wanted me to let more people know.

I will be happy to share it, although it is not my idea, but my understanding of his lesson. Jesus Christ is more human than we are. He is not less human, but more human. Humanity doesn't equal sinfulness because humanity was never intended to be sinful. As humans, we were created perfect and our fall from grace actually made us less human, a warped distortion of what it means to be human instead.

Jesus came to restore humanity to our original perfection and goodness, as a “second Adam,” and to offer humanity a second chance. Jesus is 100% human, which is 100% good, and He is also 100% God.

So, what does this mean to us? I imagine it means something different to each one of us personally.

For me, it means the opposite of what I was taught in my "new age" spiritual path before. I believed that we lost Eden because of our desire for knowledge of good and evil, which had to do with judgments. If we could stop judging, we could return to Eden, where we could reign as gods.

Well, good luck with that, since even if we did not judge we would still live as a human who is less perfect than were designed to be. We would just convince ourselves we were perfect anyway, and lose the opportunity to know the real return to our natural and perfect human state.

That solution does not re-unite us to God our Creator. It only blinds our vision from the truth of our alienation from that God. Judgment is not the enemy. Alienation from our loving Creator is the enemy and judgment did not create that. Pride did. We wanted the knowledge of good and evil so we could “be as gods,” after all.

And this explains why I am creating the app I am developing. I want to bring us closer to our loving Creator through Christ, the new and perfect man. I want people to relate to Him as a human man, as well as to God, because this is the reason He was born and died for us.

In Father's homily this morning, he talked about what Christianity has that secular “spirituality” lacks. We have a real relationship with the Trinity, the Trinity that original sin wrenched us away from. My new app has over 500 quotes by Jesus Christ himself, from Sacred Scripture. It also includes over a thousand quotes by four Carmelite saints and four blesseds.

What's the point of using quotes from our saints and blesseds, and not just the words of Jesus Himself? Their life was dedicated to helping bring people into a deeper relationship with Christ. So, I want to do that for us, too. I want their words to help us form friendships with these masterful guides, so we can come to know our true Love and Master, Jesus Christ.

I want everyone to know the profound and permanent intimacy, healing, love and joy this friendship offers.

So, in my usual peculiar style, I have been developing a “communication gadget,” a “telephone” of sorts, to help us form a deeper connection with Him.

“If anyone comes to me, I want to lead them to Him.” -St. Teresa Benedicta (Edith Stein)

Divine Mercy- What Does It Even Mean?

Today is Divine Mercy Sunday. "Mercy" is a difficult concept for me to wrap my head around. I imagine others have some of the same issues I do with the word, "mercy." It's just feels unfamiliar and odd to even say. 

I spent several years following a philosophy that people should not feel guilt or fear. In order to have "personal power," you would fight these feelings and the beliefs that produce them as the enemy. Any form of judgment of self or others was to be avoided, and guilt and fear feelings were usually considered to be the feelings of a victim. An empowered person would avoid those experiences at all costs. So, if there was no need for guilt or fear, there could be no need for mercy. Pleading for mercy would even seem to many as evidence that religion was harmful.

I think at the time I followed this spiritual path, it felt like what I needed. I needed to fight self-criticism. I needed to fight self hatred. You see, I grew up with a mother who honestly did not love me. She wanted to. But, for whatever reason, she couldn't. Even as a baby, she avoided caring for me when she could, leaving that to my father and a nanny. My earliest memories were of her pushing me away, shutting doors so she could be alone, and of her telling me I was a bother. 

As I grew older, her criticism was intense and harsh, but being rejected by your own mother to begin with is enough to wound, even if she doesn't speak to you at all. So, of course I would do anything to flee from that pain, including following a spiritual path that insisted that people never do anything wrong, and that to criticize or judge them at all goes against unconditional love. I had to have a break from the constant psychological onslaught in my head. It remained a constant battle, despite six years of making fighting it my main focus.

In other words, all of that effort did no good. It was, as the expression goes, a "band-aid for a bullet wound." I learned how to ignore self-criticism through the spiritual path I was following, but all of the energy I drew from ignoring it went into the service of myself. That's what "personal empowerment" is. I did very well. A book I wrote and self-published sold over 20,000 copies. I bought a new Audi. I looked and felt successful, and I credited it to my teachers. Crediting them was helpful to their careers because that helped them gain more students and thus more income. 

At one point, the bottom fell out of all that. The teacher I had thought was the next thing to God and who I had sworn to follow to eternity said he couldn't be my teacher any longer. And so, I became lost. Before then, I had created an altar to myself, focused on myself as a goddess and did incantations to produce "prosperity and abundance" in my life. That worked. I had spent hours staring in a mirror trying to "love myself perfectly" because that is what he told me to do. But, towards the end, without his support, I saw a demon in myself in the mirror. I began to dream of demons and eventually, I had the crushing realization that I had betrayed the God I knew so well as a child.

Of course, I'd known it all along, but I pushed those thoughts aside. I believed that they were parasitic, sucking the "personal power" I was trying to attain. There's no real excuse for what I did, wounded or not. I knew deep down that to try to be God (or a goddess) was the opposite of my Christian faith. It took ending that relationship with my teacher to wake up and face the decision I made and when I did, I could not forgive myself for it.

Following that time in 2006, I ceased to care about anything. I was diagnosed as agoraphobic. I did not want to leave my home. I found out I had some neurological problems and shouldn't be driving. I was also diagnosed as autistic for the first time. I kept myself occupied with computer games to shut out the pain. I believe for six or seven years, I also blamed myself for "failure" in life because of that very reason- that I didn't care about myself or my life, so I had ceased to accomplish anything, like building my career or having a family. I wasn't suicidal at that time, but I also didn't do more than just "exist." I went on disability. I was flat and felt nothing, day in and day out, for years. Often, I actually thought of myself as being like the "walking dead." And truthfully, I was. Once I stopped fighting guilt, it swallowed me whole, only worse than before. 

Three years ago, I started an RCIA program and two years ago, I became Catholic. I started to put God first more and more. I swore to consecrate my life and every breath and every heartbeat of it to Him and I have not wavered in my dedication to that aim. I know I'm doing the right thing, with absolutely no doubt, even though I am doing the opposite of what I was taught for years through my previous "spiritual path." In the process, I've been rebuilding a better life, based on Christ as the foundation. The "real me" has started to emerge, a new creation in Him. I am a person I never knew before and I am living in increasing peace and joy.

Learning who I am now leads back to the concept of "mercy." What does it mean to me? At first, I thought it was thinking God was a harshly and unfairly judgmental person and so you had to plead for mercy so He didn't crush you like a bug. But, that is not what mercy is. That would just be how I felt as a child. So, then I thought maybe mercy was realizing that because we're sick and wounded, we can't help but do the things we do, so we shouldn't judge or criticize ourselves for it at all. But, that's not what mercy is. That's what my past spiritual teachers thought, but it was not that.

So, what is mercy if it is neither of these two things? I prayed for it for the past two years with absolutely no clue what I was praying for, honestly. But, it's actually something in the middle, between these two extremes. God's mercy is about admitting when we sin against God but also accepting His compassion for us in our human condition. It has taken me a long time to reach this place of "balance" within myself. During Lent, it all started to "click" more and more.

The Divine Mercy Chaplet is important because I think most people in the world today don't know they need mercy, or they have been taught to fight those desires, or they don't believe deep down that God is merciful and loving. It's not just me who struggles with these issues, although I did have "all the above." And so each year, including the year I became Catholic, I've prayed the Divine Mercy novena. There is medicine in repentance but the healing of our soul is not complete without acceptance of His mercy. Only through praying for mercy for others did I begin to realize what it means for myself.

For more information:

http://thedivinemercy.org/news/story.php?NID=2985

Face Facts- We Live in a Fallen World

Four years ago, I turned forty and moved to Eugene, Oregon. Some say forty is too young for a mid-life crisis, but it wasn't for me.

I was born in Georgia, but had been living in North Carolina before I moved. Life had really become meaningless for me at that time. I was dissatisfied, disillusioned and disappointed. What I had thought was profound and enduring in my spiritual path became nothing but a temporary escape from the real world. I had “flown off” to a world where everything is perfect, you and I are perfect and you and I can become God. If you believe in yourself enough, you can become rich, always happy and always in love.

I used to tell myself over and over that everything was perfect and that my problem in life was that I just didn't have the awareness to see it. I used all sorts of “techniques” to help uncloud the “smoke from the mirror” so I could see my perfection.

Lies, lies and more lies. Just teachers telling you that anything contrary to their “perfect” worldview is a lie, spouting off to no end. I've never been happier to face imperfection than when I removed myself from those influences.

Telling ourselves it's a perfect world and that viewing imperfection is a defect of the mind (by the way, what a contradiction there!) allows us to turn a blind eye to those suffering in our world and society. I was taught that the only way to be happy was to be loving and giving, but I was also told that we only do that for ourselves because we want to be happy. Still meaningless and selfish.

So, where did that get me? How did that work out for me? Once I got used to living that belief system, I did in fact feel happy, self-confident and even in mistaken ecstasy at times. And, so what? Life is just for kicks?

Life is not just a playground. Some things really do matter and that is why we're here.

And yet, four years ago, I did not realize that. For lack of anything better to do, I moved to Eugene, Oregon. I had heard they had good social services in Eugene and I have a disability so that appealed to me. I heard it was fun because “anything goes” and people are creative and do their own thing.

Four years later, I look outside my window here in downtown Eugene. For the most part, I see what I have always seen here- aimless and lost-looking people, some happy, some sad- but all with those lost-looking eyes. I see people walking along playing musical instruments, wearing odd costumes, cross-dressers, homeless teens and adults pushing carts, with plastic tarp on their head to protect them from the rain who are singing to themselves, doing kung fu in the air or screaming obscenities at no one, defending their rights to be homeless as if that is what they really want.

It is so sad to see so many lost lives, lost souls. I cannot judge anyone because I spent most of my life so lost like that. It is a painful, scary life in so many ways. But, how did I come to the place where I questioned the life I was living and realized I needed to change?

I had lived in California for six years, but came home to Georgia when I got pregnant. My boyfriend at the time wanted nothing to do with baby, but I wanted her with all my heart. I knew I needed to go home for help, though. I miscarried on the way there, as I was driving through Louisiana. The loss of a baby was devastating and I had already left my west coast life behind. I didn't have the financial resources to go back. My old new age support system just didn't seem interested in communicating with me anymore. Those I thought were friends rarely wrote back or didn't at all. I guess they knew checks for future workshops would not be forthcoming for me.

That is when reality hit that I was not living in a perfect world. Because of my unstable lifestyle, I would have had great difficulty caring for a child. Because of my unstable lifestyle, I wasn't married either, and my child would have grown up without having a relationship with a father. I remembered that when my mother became pregnant with me, both of my parents cried. They were in their thirties and had been trying to conceive for years. They were ready for me, having built the foundation for a home. I couldn't give the same to my baby.

I've never been pregnant in my life except for that one time, and I am almost too old to have children anymore. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a mother. But, that was playing with dolls and wanting to dress them up in cute clothes and pull them around in a wagon. I didn't understand the responsibility and I did not prepare for it, either.

When I realized how far my life had fallen away from what I originally wanted, I realized that I had a problem. I had not just fallen away from what I originally wanted, but I had fallen away from what God originally wanted. God's original plan involved a different view of families. Those families would multiply and bear spiritual fruit. It's when we demanded the “fruit” only for ourselves that we stepped outside of God's kingdom.

When I was studying to become Catholic, our priest (who is now a bishop,) taught a class about morality. The gist of morality, he says, is accepting reality and living life on those terms. All sin, he said, is an effort to escape that reality. I thought about it. Yes. Drug abuse, compulsive drinking, shopping, eating, pornography, the need to steal and kill for what we don't have- all of these sins are based on the desire to flee reality.

I realize now the world is imperfect and that my problem in life was that I didn't have the awareness to see it. Now, I use sacraments and sacramentals to help understand the Reality that Is.

This is a fallen world and that is why a life of selfish pursuit of pleasure, fame, status and money will not “pick us up” and take us where we really want to go. The best these things can do is make our existence in the fallen world more comfortable. I think a lot of us wake up at about forty. At least, those who are lucky do.

My life has purpose now. My life has deep and rich meaning. I wake up with a sense of purpose and I am satisfied at the end of the day. I finally understood that in all the mad and crazy spinning of the universe and in my personal world, there are truths that remain solid and unchanging. This is not a perfect world, but I love and serve a perfect God who is guiding us toward perfection.

Every day that I am Catholic, I thank God with all my heart because he found me when I was lost, had mercy on me in my misery and when I lost all hope, He gave me a life worth living.

One Infinite Minute- Continual Conversion

Lent is a time of purification for me. I wondered at the start of it what that would mean for me this year. Last year, my year of conversion, was dramatic. I did not enter Lent and leave it the same person. The person I was died and I was reborn.

I'll never forget being baptized when I was a little girl. In a white robe, I wandered into a marble baptistry with the hazy light of a dove-shaped wall lamp above my head. The pastor put a white cloth over my face and immersed me backwards into the water. I was later told that I died with Christ and was reborn in Him. What does that really mean to a ten year old? Well, I was told that my soul was to be saved from that point forward. Eternal life was guaranteed. That was something to be happy about. Now, it was time to blow-dry my hair, put my dress back on and rejoin the beaming congregation of our large Baptist church.

Yet, we always have the option to go back to living our will, instead of God's will. God lives outside space and time in a place some philosophers call, "Kairos." He is infinite. But, OUR will is temporal. When we shut the door on God, he isn't exactly going to come and bust the door down. He can't. Free will is so important to Him that he never takes it away from us.

God has extended for us one infinite minute of His mercy and when we would rather follow our own human clock, doing things our way, sometimes our time is up. We missed it.

What do we do when we have willfully left God and want to come back? I know from being Baptist that many people publicly "recommit their lives to Christ." Yet, sometimes that experience can feel weak and lack the intensity of commitment that's really needed and desired.

It would have been really sad if I'd never been able to experience the conversion experience again, and just as powerfully. "Once saved, always saved," is true, in that infinite minute where God lives. But, we are allowed to step out of that realm where God lives. So, we can lose salvation and we do lose it. What happens to us when we turn our back on God? Well, my aunt said, even if we turn our back on God, He won't turn His back on us. And yet, I asked her, "What if I insist? Does he take away my free will?"

The Sinner's Prayer that Baptists and many other protestants use at their moment of being saved is so powerful and dear to a Christian's heart that there is no reason why that prayer could not be prayed around the clock to remind us of our commitment to Christ.. and that's why many Catholics and Orthodox do. We call it the “Jesus Prayer.”

Every Baptist knows it- "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner," or one of its longer variants that a person must believe fully at least once with all their heart to assure salvation.

Now, I get to experience that every single day. I get to remember and re-live what it is like to realize I'm a sinner and need God's mercy, desperately. Then, I get to realize He can be my Everything, that He is my Everything and I desire with all of me to give Him my all. Every Catholic mass is designed that way. It is an experiencing of that one infinite minute. That's why at each mass, we acknowledge our sins, followed by the Gloria. The sacrifice of the mass is a not just a re-experiencing of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross- It IS that one, holy infinite minute of experience.

This is also the whole beauty of confession. Any time I want, I can re-experience God's mercy. It isn't really happening over and over, although it may seem that way to me. It's happening once, outside of space and time. Our human minds don't automatically grasp and apply that, so we have sacraments.

Continual conversion means ONE conversion, happening over and over in our minds, yet only once in God's mind. I can't get enough of it, so I go to daily mass. And frequent confession.

That is why, for me, the essence of Catholicism is not repetition of sacrifice in an attempt to "earn" salvation.

Catholicism is a deeper, richer and fuller experience of Christ's salvation.

Lent and Last Year's Act of Contrition

Next week begins lent, bringing up a mixture of feelings inside me. Last year during lent, it was the phase of "purification and enlightenment" for those of us joining the Catholic Church at the Easter Vigil. I took it very seriously in that regard. In protestant churches I had been a member of before, lent was a part of our church calendar. We gave something up, like ice cream or whisky or whatever, and waited for Easter. It was just something we did that time of year.

Catholicism, I found, was very different. On Ash Wednesday, we know we are preparing for an important ordeal- oops, I mean undertaking. I had never done the "Stations of the Cross" before, but I did them every Friday throughout lent. I gave up lots of things- diet coke for a day, computer games for a week, not just ice cream, although I did give that up. Holy week was so intense I could do almost nothing but contemplate God. What I did during that time of "purification and enlightenment" set the tone for my entire lifestyle and identity today as a Catholic. My actions helped form a deep resolve and commitment to Christ. With this depth of cleansing, I was more fully prepared for the joy and freedom Easter represents.

I include for you here the act of contrition I wrote myself for my first confession in February of last year. The night before my first confession, I had fitful sleep, kept dreaming about being in purgatory and was repeating the "sinner's prayer," over and over just to try to settle all the disturbance in my mind. But, the product of my anguish was this simple prayer I wrote from the depths of my heart, which I might pray during this lent to remind myself of my original promise to God.

Dearest Jesus, I am overcome with grief for having mistreated the gifts you have given me and for living a life far outside the Divine Order you intended for me. I can hold nothing back from you ever again, but firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to offer you the purest fruits of living that are possible from my heart. Help me love and glorify you in all that I am, say and do. Kindle in me constantly the desire and the hunger for good and the obedience never to question the life and tasks you set before me.

Help me always to follow your path and delight in your will. Please give me the strength to dedicate my life to your glory. Although I will always be an unworthy servant, give me confidence to speak and act as one you love and cherish. Don't let me turn my back on you again, but to be ever loyal. Show me what I must do to set things right and help me have strength and courage to carry that out.

Take me as yours, forever and always,

In your name I pray.

Amen.

Secularism- The New Opiate of the Masses

I did all the things secular society says you should do to be happy. I tried to buy all the best stuff, avoid sexual repression, empower myself, and most importantly, strive to feel good and drive any guilt, fear or judgment away at all costs. Yet, at the close of my first forty years on earth, I reeled at how absolutely meaningless all of it had been. Although I had done good things for other people, I did it because it felt good for me to do it. Even my charity had been selfish in nature. 

During this time, I turned to the Catholic Church for answers. What I found surprised me. I learned things like how and why bearing suffering has deep meaning and value. I learned about how the greatest freedom can lie in surrendering some of the "freedom" I have for a greater good. I took a look at society. I saw a wounded, hurting world, desperately and continually seeking a fix. Each person grasped for their own fix, whether it be shopping, porn, food or reality tv. People were looking anywhere and everywhere to soothe the pain and block the aching sense of meaninglessness in their lives.

I had often heard the expression, "Religion is the opiate of the masses," by Karl Marx. I assumed religion helped sugar-coat people's view of reality and gave comfort to the comfortless through childish stories. What I found when I actually started going to church was anything but that. My first day of RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) class, Deacon Tom told us, "We're not here to sell you heaven on earth." I knew at that moment, I could probably trust what was being said. No one was there to make money and no one was there to try to medicate my mind into some opiate-filled stupor. No one would want me to repeat to myself over and over that I'm perfect in every way so I could escape into a complacent haze. Even in Father Liam's class on morality, he taught us that everything immoral is a type of escape from the truth of reality. I reflected on it and saw that it was so.

True religion is hard work. Mohandas Gandhi, when contemplating Christianity, said, "Living Christ means a living cross; without it life is a living death." Gandhi easily and intuitively grasped the concept of the "cross." Suffering is intrinsic to what it means to be human and suffering gives meaning to life. All major religions of the world have taught this. It is only the secular worldview, based on "new age" type teachings and philosophies that do not.

I learned all sorts of absurd things in the secular world, like how religion suppresses sexuality, which causes psychiatric problems. The Church has focused on sublimation, rather than repression. The secular response to this misunderstanding was not the answer. In fact, when I look at the psychiatric condition of the world today, since the "sexual revolution," I see greater incidence of mental illness, with the added "bonus" that about half of all families have shattered into pieces through divorce or single parenting. No amount of material things brings true joy in life either. Lottery winners have a much higher rate of suicide than the material population. I realized most of what I had been told and sold as true was just lies, lies, lies.

I reached a point in life where if you asked me, "Laura, which would you prefer in life, to feel good or to feel anything the Lord wishes as long as it is His will," it was a "no-brainer." Of course I want God. I want to cope with reality. I want to embrace life on its own terms. I want life to mean something again. I will trade my secular "opiates" for the tough stuff because it is the only stuff that matters.

Carmel Heart Media in the New Year

Welcome to the New Year! Carmel Heart Media, LLC was founded in November, 2012, with grant funding from Lane VR and a carefully designed business plan with my adviser Leah, of Lane Small Business Center. Since November, I obtained a business license and office equipment, professional software and beautiful business cards. Over the summer, while I waited for my grant to come through, I took on two clients to help them with their self-publishing needs, which have ranged from editing to layout and cover design. In the process, more have lined up with an interest in becoming published, now that I own my own imprint.

My original plan was for me to publish e-books and apps of my own work, yet now demand has been strong for print projects. Carmel Heart Media will offer two print publication services: full publishing under the CHM imprint for premium quality manuscripts that fit the genre and theme of Carmel Heart Media, and also basic book production for those who want to self-publish. This will involve a la carte services, such as cover design and editing, or putting the entire book into print-ready form. These services will cost less than any service available on-line including Amazon's CreateSpace, AND clients will receive personalized care and attention not available from the mass self-publishing industry.

None of these projects were my original business goal and they weren't even included in my business plan. However, these are skills I have and enjoy using, and they are skills people want. Hopefully, by the spring, I will have my new web page designed, which will have many more details and samples of my work, especially showcasing my graphic design work, such as the cover I created above. I won't be able to do it all and wear all hats. I have a volunteer employee who will be working with me, until I am able to pay him. This should free me up to follow the monthly targets that are on my original business plan, which has an eight item product list for 2013. Because of this, I am only working with one Carmel Heart Publishing author at a time and time-frames for a la carte services may be longer than the industry standard. Luckily, my plan is flexible enough to accommodate these changes in what I'm able to offer, because I'm excited about helping new authors succeed in realizing their dreams.

Carmel Heart Media books will have an inspirational theme and incorporate aspects of the Carmelite tradition, such as mindfulness and contemplation, or they will be works with complementary themes. We welcome inquiries at info@carmelheart.com. Our first book will be Ordinary Heroes: Creating a Culture of Life, by Terry Ianora, OCDS, and we are planning a release for the anniversary of Roe v Wade this month. Terry has been a client since June of this year, and her book has been created with great care and love.

I'm looking forward to an insanely busy year, but not a stressful one, because I'm doing what I love. My most cherished project will be the development of a Borderline and Beyond app for sale on Itunes. Thanks for everyone for their support and encouragement as I and Carmel Heart Media go forward in the new year!

Christ the King: The Cross is the Throne

Today is the day of Christ the King, the last Sunday of the liturgical year. Because this day interests me, I've done a good bit of reading about it from various articles and websites. One of the most novel ideas (to my formerly protestant mindset) is the image of the cross as the throne. If the cross were the throne, what would that mean?

The cross would mean that the willingness to endure discomfort, suffering and humiliation is such a powerful way to convey love that the cross is the center of the love that rules the world. Jesus offered nothing but love when those around him gave him nothing but hate. We see no sign of resentment, bitterness or anger in the words of Jesus on the cross. The cross shows us that the only victory in life is to love, with loyalty to God through all of life's ups and downs, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. Jesus showed us His commitment to us through death on the cross. He demonstrated his loyalty.

Our society today is sorely lacking the guiding principles of loyalty and commitment. Half of all marriages fail. Even in today's job market, many people are still changing jobs almost as often as they change their socks. People change their "spiritual path" as it suits their whims, choosing whatever agrees with them as the truth at that particular time. Truth in our culture is relative and arbitrary.

Once upon a time, there was a man who made the deepest and most enduring commitment possible to you, even if you never loved Him back.

Many people don't like to look at the crucifix, saying such things as, "He's off the cross now. Let's talk about the resurrection." Jesus is never off the cross. He is married to it. The cross is His perfect commitment to you. Jesus rose and Jesus lives but the sacrifice He made on the cross saturates every moment we live, each time our heart beats or we blink an eye.

Jesus is a King who reigns from the cross. He needs no other throne to prove that he is God or to show he is important. The cross says it all.

Stress and the Compulsive Carmelite

I've been away from this blog for a while because of several changes in my life. The most important was the decline in my father's health. My father, who suffers from Parkinson's Disease, intermittent dementia and heart problems, has been in the hospital all week and is going into a nursing home tomorrow, which will hopefully be temporary. Hopefully, his condition can be rehabilitated back to his previous level. My week has been rife with anxiety over my father's condition and with family problems causing great stress in general. My relationship with my father has always been the most important relationship in my life. I'm a Daddy's girl. I adore him. Even the thought of his suffering at all stabs me in the heart.

Also, a very good thing happened over the past week. I was able to receive my grant funding in order to further my efforts in publishing and also to produce e-books and apps. At first, I was ecstatic, but then the glow dissolved into the realization that I need to follow my business plan carefully and make meeting my goals happen. New world, new business, new frontier, with expectations. I felt a bit intimidated and anxious, although still confident, overall.

Any student who has taken Psychology 101 knows that significant life events, both good and bad, can be equally stressful. Stress has more to do with life changes in general than with our experience of whether we like them or not. And, changes are a bit harder for people on the autism spectrum. I've had to make a lot of changes to my routines, schedules, and conceptualization of things. Through all this time, I've been told I am handling it all really, really well.

Why? Well, it's not because of coping skills. It's not because I'm doing anything new really. Something natural is happening. Yes, really. I'm truly grateful. For about a couple of months before I first became Catholic, I started praying the Liturgy of the Hours two and three times a day. At the time I started, I was depressed and it WAS a coping skill to pray throughout the day. Now, ten months later, it has become a habit. Shortly after becoming Catholic, I began to seek out novel ways to complicate my life. I tried to do the Sacred Heart Novena nine times a day for nine days. That went so well that after 21 days, I gave up trying to do it at all. I started a checklist of all the various prayer practices I wanted to integrate into my day, and frustrate and berate myself daily and weekly by my inability to reach even 50% of my goals.

At long last, I went to my spiritual director, Father Richard. He explained to me that prayer should be “natural” and “organic.” My first thought was about hippies selling chemical free vegetables. The concept of natural prayer did not compute. Why not? Not trusting myself had a lot to do with it. So, I let go of all but two prayer practices, at Father Richard's request. I started to notice an interesting thing: spontaneous, natural prayer began to happen.

Walking downtown in Eugene presents copius opportunities to pray for people who are homeless and mentally ill. I started to notice praying for them was automatic as soon as I saw them. I started noticing myself automatically praying a lot as I walked around downtown. In a doctor's waiting room, I would become aware I was reciting the Divine Mercy chaplet, just because I was thinking of someone and worrying about their well-being. Prayer just bubbles up from my heart, sometimes at the least likely times.

Secular Carmelites commit to “ponder the law of God day and night.” How does a person make that happen? I think you need to really, really want it to happen. My natural goal is today and every day to glorify God in all I do. I am blessed with unquenching desire for Him. So, I'm learning to trust the rhythms of my heart, allowing myself to pray naturally. Humans were created to praise and serve God, so of course, it should be natural.

So, I have relaxed and I have let go a lot more. I find I'm laughing more. I find I'm frazzled less. I'm naturally praying for Daddy and for the rest of my family around the clock. Instead of worrying, my habit is to pray instead. Am I coping well because prayer is a “coping skill” I am using? I don't really think so. I'm coping well because I am an instrument of prayer God is using. Nothing could be more amazing.

Growing up: It's Not About What I Want

Sometimes, I feel blocked in my prayer life. I spend a lot of time analyzing why I might be blocked, examining my conscience over and over, looking at my motives and trying to sort out what might be a sin. I've learned now just to take notes. I have a journal with a section for daily musings and a separate section for examination of conscience. I keep them separate so that I have a more focused, clear intention when I do my evening "examination."

Sometimes, I've used columns, weighing ethics of right and wrong, but I'm still focused on sorting it out. It's not like journaling about what a nice lunch I had with a friend. Even everyday notes like that can give me a great sense of patterns and progress in my life, but I write in the "journal" section for expression and the "examination" section for discernment. 

This process is really tough for me. Part of the reason it's tough is my autism. Ambiguity and shades of grey are not very easy for me to wade through. Part of the problem is that like every sinner, the voice of what I want to do is louder than the whisper of what is the right thing to do. There are people who have actually made a religion out of listening to the loud voice of what they want and drowning out their annoying conscience. Thankfully, that didn't work for me too well, but the vestiges of that sort of thinking can trip me up if I'm not careful.

While I used to panic about doing the wrong thing, I've learned to go about this process calmly. One of our Carmelite priests, Father Jan (now in Uganda), told me that God has an interesting way of working in our lives. He only shows us one thing at a time, and it's what's right in front of us. So, when we're wondering what to do, look to the present moment and to what God is saying here and now. That type of thinking has calmed me down when I've felt the frantic need to figure things out. Father Jan is also the one who helped me figure out a system of note taking and analysis, so I could look at it like a scientist and see patterns over time.

Why bother with all this? The old me did examinations of my life to see where I was holding myself  back from getting what I wanted in life, whether that be material wealth, fame, love or luxury. I would try to eliminate traces of guilt, fear and shame in order to pursue my goals with greater success.

The new me says, "Who cares?" God is SO much greater than my petty little desires and concerns. Although God ultimately wants us to experience His peace and joy, for us to come to Him solely to seek consolation is nothing more than using Him and treating Him like an object. My goal is to have a real relationship, really give and take with God. Sorry if it sounds crude, but it's not "do me, do me," anymore. Every time I meditate on the life of Jesus, I'm getting to know Him. I'm not just droning a monologue on and on about myself in prayer. Jesus is God and he is also fully human forever. I know he loves me and all, but even perfect humans get bored!

When I was in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults,) on my way to becoming Catholic, we learned in class that the purpose of Catholicism is to have a mature relationship with Jesus Christ. At first, I was surprised. I had grown up being told that Catholics didn't think for themselves and were childlike in spirituality. I learned that nothing is further from the truth. Father Bryce, one of our parish priests, taught us that it's not that Catholics don't think FOR ourselves; We just don't think BY ourselves. We think WITH theological giants through 2000 years of combined experience and councils.

More importantly, whose spirituality is more mature than that of the saints? In RCIA, I asked, "What does a mature relationship with Christ look like?" Well, we have thousands of examples throughout history of what that looks like. Various, diverse, creative manifestations of God through amazing people show us the way to ultimate meaning and truth.

I wish I could tell you why I do what I do and what I hope to gain by it, but I can't. If I could do that, I might as well find a spiritual charlatan who will know how to sell it to me. God gives us unconditional love, but WE can choose to make it conditional by refusing to cooperate with that love. Part of that love is the expectation that I do not just spend my life "manifesting my desires." Instead, I spend my life learning to discern and manifest HIS.

This link goes to a really neat method. A Carmelite nun gives an outline of how to examine conscience through using the Interior Castle of St. Teresa. Truly cool!

The Awesome Sister Carmen Explains All

The Ignatian Examen is a popular method of exploration of conscience. It's good too. 

Ignatian Examination of Conscience

What is Union with God?

Happy All Saint's Day!

All Saints Day is a perfect day for this blog, to help me explain what "Carmel Hearts" is all about. I am an aspirant for the Order of Discalced Carmelites, Secular (OCDS, also known as a tertiary or third order.) What that means is that through this year, I contemplate whether or not a deeper commitment to the Carmelite way of life is right for me. Even if I discern that it is not, the spirit of Carmel has changed me forever and will never leave me. I will always have Carmel in my heart. So, this blog is for anyone who loves the Carmelite tradition, the lives and writings of the Carmelite saints, or just the amazing charism of the Carmelites, prayer and especially contemplative prayer.

The Discalced Carmelites were founded by St. Teresa of Avila, who is my confirmation saint. I chose St. Teresa because I'm in my forties and starting over with my life and St. Teresa's  life only began to flower in her forties. St. Teresa was an extroverted girl who struggled most of her life with prayer, but she matured into a master contemplative while in her forties. Near the end of her life, St. Teresa lived in union with God. She wrote that she did not know where she ended and God began, sometimes, and that she found herself quickly forgetting her own past, and even who she was. She had not become a God. She had allowed herself to dissolve into the majesty of God, to become a conduit for His Majesty to flood the world with grace and love.

I've always sought union with God, but I've gone about it in some crazy ways. Gurus in some "new age" traditions brag about "achieving" union with God, but it is to portray their power and strength in becoming God. This bravado attracts followers who reflect the guru's power back in the hopes to get a piece of it for themselves. I somehow thought that was what I was searching for, this "empowerment" to create "abundance" and "prosperity" and to become like a God. The more I became involved in it, the more I was taught that my role was to "become God," yet when I failed at that, I found myself worshiping the guru and if not him, the "ascended master of the week." My life was empty then.

All I ever REALLY wanted was sanity, peace and wholeness in myself. I never dreamed I would fall in love with God, who became incarnate as the greatest hero who ever lived, and that He would become my best friend. I never imagined I would find such a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment in learning to do His will.

Earlier this month, I went to the Secular Carmelite weekend retreat in Beaverton. The topic for the weekend was "obedience." At the retreat, I learned that the first step in union with God was to be in unity with His will. St. Teresa had many intuitions that her spiritual director did not agree with, so she followed his direction instead, without hesitation. In most of the situations, the decision was less important than the opportunity St. Teresa had to let go of pride and her need to be right and in control. St. Teresa made a vast array of decisions and was given great responsibility by the Church, but in those few times she was directed, she did not even argue. I learned at the retreat that St. Teresa said, "The Devil ceases attacking IF we are truly resigned.” 

Obedience is key to surrender to God's will.  Sometimes, that obedience is to superiors, but more often, for lay people obedience is about accepting life on life's terms. Give up. Wave the white flag. I did. I had no energy to fight anymore and I had no question or doubt in my mind that every other route I had taken in my life led nowhere. My first terror was that I would still be led astray because evil is incredibly subtle and tricky. St. Teresa helped me to remember to just let go, to God's care. That's the way to truly be free.

(Added Note: I am only at the very beginning- nowhere near "in union" with God, just working towards it really hard. Thank God for the saints that give us hope and show us the way!)

Infinite Ways to Get Nowhere

This is a poem I wrote last February.  I've always been an "explorer" and an "experimenter" in life. I'm the sort of person who will repeat the same failed experiment in life multiple times before giving up. And yet, I have. The results speak for themselves.

LOST and FOUND

It's so amazing how many ways to get lost

I marvel at the dark labyrinths and twisted roots in forest caverns

where my soul has wandered, cried and labored.

I cannot count the infinite ways to get nowhere.

There are joyful mirages and tragic truths, sleepy visions and chasing the wind.

I am an expert here.

Wasted reflections and agonized sighs,

Playful persuasions, hypnotic eyes.

I've been a vagabond of soul,

a restless spirit unsure where to go

when the past from where I started is destroyed.

But now, I have returned to me.

There are infinite ways to find ourselves,

in someone's eyes, in sunspun meadows, reaching out to reach back in,

where God's home is, in me.