Look at Original Sin With New Eyes

Nobody likes the idea of original sin. The people of today's world like to choose which beliefs suit them and "original sin" certainly does not suit them. If I were shopping for beliefs, I'm sure I wouldn't buy that one. Who would?

"Original sin" may be the two most important words you will ever hear. And, as strangely paradoxical as this may sound, if you hear them, while listening with an open mind, you will understand something beautiful. You will understand how much God loves you. You will understand how to be joyful and at peace. 

But, if you close your ears to hearing these two words, and close your mind to taking in their meaning, any experience you may have of spiritual freedom will be counterfeit. 

Once upon a time, in a galaxy (thankfully) now far, far away in my mind, I was told a little story. It went something like this:

A baby is born in perfection, radiating perfect love. But, later the people and culture surrounding the child convince him that he is imperfect. They are all lying to him! How the people appeared before him who were imperfect and able to spread the imperfection came to be is a mystery, but that's what happened.

Because, you see, Adam and Eve never really left the Garden of Eden. We're still in there. The problem is that we can't see the truth that is around us. We believe we are walking around in a broken world,  but this is nothing but a "bad dream" based on lies about our imperfection. That is what the knowledge of "good and evil" was- The lie that there really is good and evil. There really was no original sin, but only an original judgment, which began when Eve and Adam ate the forbidden fruit and gained that "knowledge."

If we can extricate ourselves from judging ourselves, life's situations and others, we can return to the innocence of realizing we are perfect and our world is perfect. As a result, the Garden of Eden, Heaven on Earth, will appear to us. 

Sound extreme? Although it is the norm in our culture to shun judgment of others, some take it to its natural extreme conclusion and it becomes a "spiritual path." It's not just a philosophy, but a dedicated lifestyle. 

What do I see happening here? Fifty shades of profound loss.

The story you have just read is perfectly plausible if you deny original sin. As I pointed out, who wouldn't want to deny it? It's not an enjoyable idea, and it's certainly not an "empowering" one. But, let me explain to you the outcome of not believing in original sin, and perhaps you will see how harmful the denial of original sin can be.

I spent over six years trying to create Heaven on Earth by training myself not to judge anything. And the condition of my soul, by the time I found out the real truth, was dead.

What is lost when original sin is denied?

God can't get through to us. He can't strengthen what isn't weak, heal what isn't sick, fix what isn't broken. 

Of course, the point of being born perfect is that you are also born all powerful and can accomplish all that strengthening, healing and fixing just by denying, denying, denying original sin. If you deny it well enough, you will feel happy, like the dear little carefree child you once were. 

Yes, it would be great if it worked this way. The problem is that it doesn't. Just like children who aren't able to feed and clothe themselves from the moment they are born, we always need to depend on what is beyond ourselves. 

We are created for God and we weren't meant to live and operate without our connection with Him. 

If we deny that there is any God beyond ourselves; believe that we are that God; or that someone else is a god; that all of us are one god together; that we don't need God because we can tap into some place called the "source," or any other variant of this denial, we're missing exactly the same boat.

With an understanding of original sin comes the understanding that we are not in Eden any longer. 

Our first ancestors disobeyed God and as a consequence, that door to Eden was shut. We were born outside Eden as a consequence of what they did. The world outside of Eden is a broken one. And suffering and evil are randomly unleashed on the earth in ways that are not just or fair. 

God loves us too much to leave us like that, abandoned, outside of the world He intended for us. 

Disobedience is what caused our first parents to sin, and they disobeyed based on the pride that they wanted to be gods and not need God. When we return to Him and admit we need His help, His guidance, His mercy and His love, the doors are open once again to paradise. When we return with humility and with obedience (the opposite traits to the ones our original parents had), we are able to repent and break free. 

One reason original sin is a hard idea to take in is that it makes us feel "originally puny" when we think about it. Nobody wants to feel puny, or bad just for being born. However, I don't mind feeling puny anymore, because now I can accept the love and mercy of the omnipotent Creator of the universe who cares about each soul as if it is His only one. 

I'm talking about restoring natural connections that were broken when I talk about original sin. We are floundering in an unnatural state when we resist the idea of original sin, which negates the possibility of an antidote. 

If we don't accept the illness, we can't receive the medicine. 

And our souls die. 

Borderline and Beyond App Screenshots

The Borderline and Beyond Smartphone App is available on Google Play and it should be available in the Apple Store today or tomorrow.

What's in the app?

*Complete Ebook- The full text of the original version of Borderline and Beyond

AND many other features-Take a look!

Tab 2- Quick Reference in Crisis

TAB 1- Complete Ebook (Index Shown here)

Tab 3- Positive Reminders

TAB 4- Question Guides- To Help You Think Through Difficult Situations

Result when you click on Question 3 (Above)

Example Question Process-Relationship Category

TAB 5- Info about CHM, with social media links

AND

Tests to Measure Your Progress

Why pray anyway?

"Prayer and intimacy with God are the only way to nourish and sustain ourselves through the outward sacrifices of daily life. We need prayer in our life to fulfill the deepest desires of our heart that we are not even aware of- to bring us a peace and joy that we could not have established for ourselves. God, the One, put this desire in us so that we would reach out in love, to love, and He sent us Jesus to show the way." 

-Pat Tresselle, OCDS

Pat Tresselle has a down-to-earth way of explaining things that other Carmelite authors have lacked. Pat just has the ability to make "tough" concepts make sense. Why do we need prayer? To fulfill needs and desires we may not even be aware of. In other words, do it although we don't know why to receive more reward than we could ever have dreamed. We need something. We don't know what it is. We can't get it without help. So, trust that strange desire to search for meaning and reach out to Him. God's the One who gave us that desire and He is the only one who can quench it.

Pat Tresselle's book, due for release in November of this year, tackles these and other difficult concepts in a way that makes it all come together. Get ready for the great, "Aha!" 

It you'd like to be notified when Insights from Carmel is released, contact info@carmelheart.com

 

The Creativeness of Death

I rarely dream, but last night I dreamt that I was worried that a room in a house might be on fire. The room belonged to someone I worried about a lot, who had been perplexing me. I was worried he would burn the whole house down. Instead, someone showed me what was really going on inside. There was a large cylinder filled with liquid. Sparks were coming out of it, like electricity, which had only looked like fire. Inside, there was an animated skeleton at a workbench building other skeletons out of bones.

Usually in dreams, it helps to look at a "first feeling" and a "first association" in order to find out how the dream may speak to us. My first feeling was awe and happy surprise in the cleverness and originality. Also, relief that the "fire" was contained and no danger. My first association was of the "culture of death." Seems such a paradox- creative activity as the dead create more dead. Yet, this is what goes on in the majority of society today. That's what's happening in the "mass mind" of American culture.

It was not a "black and white" image, but animated with many facets of human experience. Unlike what Jesus said, "Let the dead bury the dead," the dead are creating the dead- They are using their creative power, the power of life, to create more death. The sad thing is how very few people see what's really going on.

For those of us on the outside, our first reaction is often alarm. We genuinely fear for the well-being of people because of the self-destructiveness that often results from "life" in the culture of death. We don't want to lose our friends and family members. The truth is that if we can be mindful of the emotion of fear and detach from it, it is possible to see how people are creating beauty from the "bare bones" of life.  Just because someone is a part of the "culture of death" does not mean they don't also have those amazing sparks of life in them. It's on a continuum, not a case of "us and them."

When I wrote Borderline and Beyond, I had the same emotions as the ones I had in the dream. Basically, I backed up from the train wreck of my life and saw the beauty in the worst of circumstances. My ability to write and produce art slowly helped me find my way out of the darkness that threatened to destroy me. We need to hold on to and nurture those strengths. If we are to help those who are struggling and lost, we should show them the light and not only disparage the darkness we see.

I can't forget how intimately I know the culture of death. For those of you who don't know what that means- The culture of death is about despair, self-absorption, apathy and poverty. Some say it is about abortion, the death penalty, euthanasia, suicide and so on. I say that that despair and self-absorption often lead to these things, but the "culture of death" is a much wider concept. It permeates our media. And yet, in those creative sparks, so much hope abounds!

I loved the movie, "The Nightmare Before Christmas." I have found joy in the Mexican celebration of the "Day of the Dead." As in Ezekiel,  "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the Lord!  This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life." (Ezekiel 37:4-5)

Borderline and Beyond App Preview

Well, The Borderline and Beyond ebook and app are both on the way. The e-book will be the standard text, a duplicate of the printed book. 

However, the app will have a lot more "cool functionaliy."

The app is still under development. Since I like doing most things myself, I managed to develop half of it but there is no way to complete this without lots of knowledge of code. So, the workbook components of the app are being hammered out by a professional team.

The I-phone/Android App 

will contain-

* The Ebook in its entirety, divided by sections

* Emotional Crisis tips and simple exercises from the book, designed for each mood state you are in, from anxiety to anger. You'll just scroll, choose your problem or feeling, read and get quick and convenient help. (Of course, if you are suicidal or homicidal, you will need to call 911 instead.)

AND these components of the workbook:

* Two tests that self-score- The BSI- (Borderline Symptom Inventory) and the RAQ (Reality Awareness Questionnaire). Hopefully, there will be a way to record the scores of both tests, so you can watch your results improve over time.

*HOPEFULLY-- A place where you can journal and record your thoughts, just like in the journal.

In other words, you get the whole Borderderline and Beyond ebook for mobile AND lots of workbook functionality all in one for less than the cost of just one book.

I'll keep you posted as to its debut.
(I don't even know an estimated released date. My development team hasn't given me one.)

Stay tuned!

(If you'd like to stay informed when it's available, just email info@carmelheart.com)

Thanks!

Borderline and Beyond, Original- New Hope, Different Era

I'm blogging today to say a few words about Borderline and Beyond. I'm happy to have the original book and workbook editions back in print.

Some of you might remember the latest editions in 2001 and 2007, but the revised editions did not improve upon the original in any significant way.

Feedback has been that the 1996 edition surpassed the 2001 or 2007 revisions and so I'm bringing the books back in their original form.

Lots of progress in the field of Borderline Personality Disorder has been made in the past seventeen years since I wrote Borderline and Beyond. Back when I wrote it, the diagnosis was baffling in its very existence. Why take a chronically suicidal, emotionally fragile person and tell them they have an incurable personality disorder? What sense did that possibly make? It was like damning people to their own personal hell.

I fought back. If professionals weren't going to help me, I was going to do all I could to help myself. I worked really hard at it. The result of that work was Borderline and Beyond.

Today, people diagnosed with BPD are told that the chance of their making significant progress of recovery in the first year is good and that 80% of people with BPD eventually experience remission of symptoms.  Researchers and clinicians finally got on the ball and started to try to do something about the problem besides throwing their hands up in the air and blaming it all on the difficult patient.

There is much more hope for recovery from borderline personality disorder today. I'm glad I was one of many writers and bloggers who helped usher in an era of change. I was a "poster child" for people who actually got better and recovered from BPD.

Many clinicians do not believe full recovery from BPD is possible, yet I have changed and a great number of others have experienced recovery. Through using the principles and tools in my book, I have not been diagnosed with BPD in over fifteen years.

Therefore, I'm bringing my book back into print. It worked before- It can help again. I hope many who are struggling will benefit from it.

Here's where you can buy my books-

 http://www.carmelheart.com/#!portfolio/cjg9

and

On Amazon

Thanks,
Laura

Receiving the Carmelite Scapular

This past Saturday, I was received into formation by the  Discalced Secular Carmelites. This was a day I had prepared for all year. Each month, I had some material to read and a short list of questions to answer.  Then, once a month, I had classes and help with discerning whether being a Secular Carmelite was what I really wanted to do. I had to apply, have references checked and be interviewed by the Council to confirm my vocation.

I had an instant reaction of joy from the start at the idea of becoming a Carmelite. The year prior to that, I had read the biography of St. Teresa of Avila and I was also studying contemplative prayer and preparing to write a book about it. St. Teresa appealed to me because of her emotional intensity and spiritual fervor, but the more I got to know her, the more I saw what a balanced soul she had. After a tumultuous period, she emerged in equilibrium, detached from her emotions. St. Teresa began her unique style of contemplative prayer life while she was in her 40's. In all of her years before of a nun, she had difficulty with silent prayer until a midlife breakthrough helped her complete her process of total union with God.

I had just entered my forties and was having a pretty bad midlife crisis myself. I did not like what I had done with my life and where it had led. St. Teresa gave me hope and inspiration. I decided if I could accomplish only one thing in my life, it would be to grow as close to God as I could. I had spent years following different "spiritual paths" that ultimately led nowhere and I was determined this time to devote my life to Christ.

The large scapular is an outward symbol of that. We don't have to wear the large ones every day under our clothes, but we can and some do. In lieu of that, the smaller scapular or scapular medal may be worn, but after being received as a Carmelite, the only time the scapular should ever be removed is to take a shower. I even read somewhere recently that there are Carmelites who will not remove their scapular even in the shower. Whereas members of the confraternity and those who wear the scapular as a devotion receive graces and benefits, I have just joined an order and the scapular is my habit- although normally nobody knows I'm even wearing it.

I've been wearing a small scapular all year that a good friend of mine gave me, but the meaning of the scapular keeps deepening for me. Wearing the scapular is a symbol of the yoke of Christ. It is also a symbol of servitude, because the original scapulars were like aprons. The scapular is also a symbol of being under the protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I'm developing fairly slowly in my relationship with Mary but I do feel the connection to her through the scapular. Last weekend, my formation director gave me a small scapular that came from Mt Carmel in Israel. I have four scapulars and a scapular medal now. Tiny little squares of cloth have become precious to me because they remind me that I am precious in the eyes of God.

My Deepest Devotion- What the Sacred Heart Means to Me

Last October, I went to a Secular Carmelite retreat at Our Lady of Peace Retreat Center in Beaverton, Oregon. Each guest room at the retreat house is named after a saint and mine was called the, “St. Mary Margaret Alacoque room.” Since I had no idea who that was, I looked up her story in my Ipod and found out she had a critical role in spreading the devotion of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I had been intrigued by that earlier in the day when I had picked up a Sacred Heart prayer card at the gift shop, so the meaning of my room seemed to be an odd coincidence. I started to meditate on the idea of what the “Sacred Heart of Jesus” really means. 

Of course, perfect love is a meaning of it, but it is not simply the abstract concept of love- It is embodied. I attended a Bible study last year and Father Bryce taught us about the concept of “heart” in the gospels. “Heart” was considered to be a place where mind and “gut” meet. In other words, the logic in our minds merges with the emotional, gut instinct and the resulting conviction is experienced in the heart. The sacred heart is the center of the circulatory system of his precious blood, all of which was shed for us, so the heart is also a symbol of core and total sacrifice. 

For the “Sacred Heart of Jesus” to be embodied also speaks of its deeply intimate nature with Christ. The devotion to the Sacred Heart started when the early Christians contemplated the Last Supper and how John laid his head on the chest of Jesus. As I contemplate those moments of the last supper, I remember what might have been my earliest memory, which was of my father holding me close to his heart when I was just a baby. I remember the deep peace I felt as I lay close to his heart. I realize that peace and close love is what Jesus wants for us to carry through each moment of our lives. 

In a world where people and families are so broken, they need the Sacred Heart of Jesus more than anything. Only His Sacred Heart offers what we need to feed us, sustain us and help us grow. Nothing else can do that. No one else loves as purely and deeply as Jesus did. Without merging our hearts with His sacred heart, our hearts will only love weakly and feebly. 

 In the year 700 in Luciano Italy, a Eucharistic miracle occurred. A consecrated communion host mysteriously turned into flesh. Twelve centuries later, the flesh is still free of decay. When technology advanced to the point it could be scientifically examined, the flesh was found to be a piece of human heart muscle. Why the heart? Jesus wanted us to know through this miracle how He loves us with all His heart. 

Why is my business called Carmel Heart Media? This is why- 

Sacred Heart of Jesus, on this day and every day, I consecrate everything I am, think, feel and do only to your Sacred Heart. Help me to be ever faithful. Amen. 

Luciano Miracle
Consecration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus
 

Unplanned Changes

A little over a year ago, I had only one goal- to grow closer to God. Ultimately, I wanted to experience union with God, as St. Teresa of Avila did. I didn't really understand what that meant, but it sounded good. It turned out to be a great goal, although I had no idea what I was getting into at the time.

To achieve my goal, I devoted my life to prayer and contemplation. I wanted to become a cloistered nun but in America, there are almost no monasteries that accept women over the age of 35 or 40. Also, I did not know if they would take me with my autism and also student loan debt. Almost certainly, they would not. So, I had to come to terms with how it could be that I did not have a vocation as a contemplative nun when that is what I wanted.

I started attending meetings of Carmelite Seculars, however, and found that the Secular Carmelites have the same level of dedication and commitment that the nuns and friars do, and that they are considered equal members of the Carmelite Order. The only major difference is that we live out in the world and can be married.

As time passed over the past year, I drifted further and further away from my original goal. I became caught up in the affairs of the world. In November, I received grant funding to begin my own business, and  getting everything going took my full concentration. I had to learn how to use new professional software- everything from new graphic design programs to Quickbooks. The original goal in my business plan, to re-publish my books, became delayed because others were interested in what I can do. I had to start figuring out how to go about working with clients- developing rate sheets and publishing contracts. I didn't have time to volunteer for 1st Way anymore, but my company was able to offer professional services to help them instead. Client after client came my way and doing it all became impossible.

My life felt overwhelming until a couple of weeks ago. Before then, I hardly came up for air. I started wondering, "What happened to that girl who only wanted to live her life in contemplation of the Lord?" I had been doing most of the Carmelite Secular requirements- daily mass, liturgy of the hours, spiritual reading, answering my assigned questions for aspirancy, frequent confession, and at least thirty minutes of contemplative prayer whenever I could fit it in. In two years, when I profess promises, contemplative prayer will the highest priority I have. No "maybe I can fit it in" allowed. Even now, I realize how I'm shooting myself in the foot when I don't do it- but I can only integrate so much "newness" at one time. All I can say is, without trying to move towards my original goal of union with God, moving through my daily Carmelite spiritual practices has helped me begin integration of my life with God- and that was not intentional.

A year ago today, it never would have occurred to me that I would be shoving aside contemplative prayer time. It would be absolutely unheard of. All the spiritual disciplines I have learned to integrate into my life have been teaching me to be faithful, and wow, I still have so much more to learn.

The pace of my life has slowed down because I am able now to focus more on one project at a time. I've defined my job roles more clearly with clients and I've learned that my friend Mark is a top-notch editor, far better than I am, and so now we can split a lot of work. I've finally reached my original goals. I can breathe. I can ask myself again how to go about growing closer to God. It feels really good.

Autism, The Dogs I Love and Me- Coming Soon!

Great News! 

Carmel Heart Media has a new book on the horizon.

Coming soon:  

Autism, the Dogs I Love and Me, a children's book by Christopher Dean (with help from his father, George Dean) 

Christopher tells the inspirational story of how he came to terms with having autism, partly through the help of his furry pals. This should be a book to help introduce even very young children to what autism means and how life can still be very good.

Christopher's father, George, is from my home town of Rome, Georgia. We are both alumni of Shorter College, which is now Shorter University.

Take a close-up look at the cover. There are more than 30 different dog breeds represented!

Christopher Dean with his dad, George Dean

Now Limited Availability of Borderline and Beyond

What a busy week! My focus right now has been finding ways to cut back on stress and define priorities. I can't think of many things more difficult, but I'm pushing through.

Exciting previews into the publishing world!

Barnes & Noble online has my books in stock. You can also get your local B&N to special order it. They have it in their catalog.

My books are listed on Amazon for pre-orders. I have no idea why there are four independent booksellers already carrying and selling them but they are, so you can order from them via Amazon. I have no idea what my distributor is up to and why Amazon does not have their shipment yet, but you can still get the books there.

The workbook to accompany the text is here. This one used to have the picture up but it's temporarily down. Why, oh why? Two independent booksellers have it and are selling it on Amazon but Amazon itself apparently doesn't have a shipment yet.

My new website is almost ready to launch, and of course I'll be selling it there.

Come one, Come all, Buy the gift of mental health!
(or at least a creative approximation)

Borderline and Beyond: The Original is Coming Back Soon!

I'm feeling really excited about the whole new set of Borderline and Beyond products soon to launch. For those who remember, when I was in my mid-twenties, I wrote a book, spiral bound it and sold it on a personal website and on Amazon. The book became a niche best seller and so it was re-published as a book and workbook set. My book has been revised twice, once to include "spiritual" principles and once to include applications to autism.

The strangest thing has happened since the last revision- I've continually received e-mails to bring the original book back. I've seen my original books being sold on E-bay for outrageous prices. The first was the best and so I'm bringing it back now-- but with much prettier covers!

Look, I even have a "fake spiral binding" graphic! Doesn't it look real?

Here's a picture of the accompanying workbook. I'm really happy to have my original book back. Also, most of you know I haven't had a website since 2007, when I let laurapaxton.com go. Carmelheart.com will be launched soon and these books will be for sale along with a Borderline and Beyond E-book and a way-cool App. 

I'll also be showcasing books I've published for other authors, including Terry Ianora, OCDS and I'm working with three other authors to bring their dreams to press!

You'll also see my books on Amazon and Barnes & Noble soon. I'll let you know when they are up.

This is an exciting time. I'm happy to share it with you.

St. Teresa, Shock and Trauma

I've thought a lot this week about a class Father Stephen Watson, OCD taught at our last secular Carmelite meeting. He was teaching us about “St. Teresa and the Resurrection,” from Volume 1, Testimony #12 by Kieran.

In this example, St. Teresa of Avila had emotionally merged so much with the passion of our Lord Jesus and identified so much with the experience of His mother that she was unable to be happy and celebrate the resurrection on Easter Sunday. St. Teresa was still deep in mourning for what our Lord had experienced. She even said her “hands grew numb in affliction.” Her soul became suspended. St. Teresa experienced something known as a “rapture of affliction.”

I had never heard of this, but a “rapture of affliction” is an experience that takes us beyond ourselves but not in the sense of ecstasy. While in this state, St. Teresa contemplated Jesus and Mary. In her contemplation, she saw Jesus with Mary after the resurrection. Mary was in such trauma after the experience of watching God, her son, be tortured to death, she could not shake herself out of it. She stared, numb, as if “shell-shocked” even when her son returned from the dead in his glorified body. She needed help, and he stayed with her a long time, St. Teresa said. So, St. Teresa let Jesus “stay with her a long time” as He did with His mother, helping her to recover from all of that agony in order to celebrate new life.

Nowhere in the Bible is there reference to Jesus going to visit His mother, but that was a personal thing and not a public one. I can imagine the disciples would not feel this relevant to include while recording Jesus's public mission. Perhaps this was one of the many things that happened that was not written? Regardless of whether Jesus was there to help comfort Mother Mary in her trauma, He will always be there for us.

How often does that happen to us, after an occasion such as the Boston Marathon bombing or one of the many school shootings or other mass murders our nation has faced? Trauma is a fact of life. Our Blessed Mother may have gone through it. It is during our deepest trauma that Jesus comes to us and wants to help heal us until we are able once again, to celebrate His resurrection and the miracle of life. He is always there, patient and waiting, even if we are too in shock to see Him there.

I Don't Know How To Stop

I feel whiny today. Yesterday, I cried.
Why, oh why, do I have to slow down?
I hate it. I want to stay busy.

Everyone who cares about me annoys me by trying to get me to stop. I want them to go away, since I'm too busy for them anyway.

My therapist said I need more breaks in my day to take care of myself.

My spiritual director said I need to keep doing Eucharistic Adoration for the next three months and then we'll re-evaluate whether I need to continue. I don't have to obey what he says, but I'm not seeking direction because I'm a genius at how to grow spiritually. My talents lie more in the realm of driving myself to the edge of psychosis and back. So, I agreed and I do what I agree to do. I realize that what I want isn't always what I need.

I don't want to slow down. It's almost as if I feel the world will come to an end if I do.

I used to play computer games non-stop at night, five and six hours at a time, to de-stress. But, that just charges adrenalin and provides escape. Plus, annoyingly, none of my advisers think this is healthy anymore or want me to continue. In fact, I have yet to find anyone in their right mind that thinks I should continue. Wow, I'd love to find one!

So, I have to do other things, like turn to God more. 

I'm pushing myself really hard. I've spoken before small audiences four times this week- four. And it terrifies me to do that. I'm also making a special effort to be more present and responsive to my boyfriend. I emotionally neglect him and autism is a reason. Especially when I'm overloaded, I want and actually need to shut down and go inside myself to hibernate from everything. However, it is but not an excuse to ignore him completely and in general, act like a jerk. I can't stop doing my best to give my best. He's sick this week too, so he needs more care.

Also, there is my overwhelmingly difficult Quickbooks class and the fact that I am preparing three books for printing and none of that is going as smoothly as I think it should. But mainly, the problem is that I don't want to let go of my control and give that over to God. I just don't.

I tell every autistic I know not to make big changes in their lives all at once or they will set themselves up for meltdown. Yet, I refuse to listen to what I know is true.

Why?

I SAY that I want to do the right thing, with all my heart, more than anything else. And my heart breaks that it's never enough. Yet, even though I feel that's true. I'm lying to myself. I don't know what the right thing is. I just want to push myself to feel important, valued, and redeemed. It's really all about me.

After receiving communion yesterday, I just prayed, and I said, "Jesus, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to put limits on anything." I felt His presence clearly and a soft voice spoke in my heart, "My love needs no limits."

The infinite love God offers us doesn't push us to the brink of insanity. That sort of thing is MY forte, not His!

I need to go do my Eucharistic Adoration in about an hour. For my non-Catholic friends, it's basically spending an hour with God in a chapel. Tomorrow, at the end of my monthly day at the Carmelite Monastery, I meet before a council of officers and our spiritual adviser, to see if I will be permitted to enter formation. What do I need to do more than focus on de-stressing and making room for that unlimited love in my heart? Only my pride wants to save the world. Enough.

How To Always Be Successful

"We are not called to be successful. We are called to be faithful." -Mother Teresa of Calcutta

Lately, I ponder this quote and its meaning on a daily basis. In my mind, I am never successful enough. I never get enough done in a day. The work I actually do is not productive enough. No matter how much I do, it does not make enough impact on society.

And, you know what? It won't. Ever.

I can't do anything without God. I can't blog. I can't brainstorm. I can't even breathe. Without God, not only is doing anything at all impossible, but everything I do becomes meaningless and pointless.

Our new pope said something today which rang true for me. He said, ""...self-help courses can be useful in life, but to live by going from one course to another, from one method to another, leads us to become pelagians and to minimize the power of grace, which comes alive and flourishes to the extent that we, in faith, go out and give ourselves and the Gospel to others, giving what little ointment we have to those who have nothing, nothing at all."

Before becoming Christian, that's what I did. I hopped from course to course, method to method, believing I would eventually get somewhere. I had gurus and teachers who told me there was nowhere to arrive at and that I was perfect as I was but those same teachers would sell me the very courses and methods that propagated the illusion. 

Amazing thing, grace. It's not just a "feel good" song. It's the truth. 

Grace gives us reason for living and the power to do it. Grace makes it okay to be human, because we let go and let God do what we alone cannot do. He becomes the fiber of our being, the blood in our cells.

So, what is being faithful? Being faithful is remembering just that. Believing and trusting in the power of grace. 

That's all God expects from us.  

Yet, just remembering the truth isn't really faithfulness. God expects us to embody and practice that faithfulness, through demonstrating our faith in all we do.  

But, when we let Christ live in us, everything we do is enough, no matter what our neighbors think, the government thinks, the media thinks, or anyone else for that matter.

Jesus expected the disciples to stay awake for an hour while he prayed. He expected them to be loyal and faithful. They all failed Him. Yet, was Jesus a failure? 

Jesus was the greatest success in history. We will always be a failure without Him.
 

Carmel Heart Media- The First Four Months

This year, Lent has drawn me inward and has helped me clear out some obstacles from my mind. I've had an unusually good month. I've let go of some attachments to people, places and things that used to cause me spiritual and psychological problems. I've been able to relax more. I've been feeling "like myself" more. The last few years have been hard because I did feel like I lost myself and have just recently found myself again.

As of today, Carmel Heart Media has been in existence for four months. I'm at work publishing an author's book on autism from a child's perspective and I have arranged a book signing tomorrow for another author. I'm working on memoirs for another author whose work will not be publicly released. 

The re-release of the original version of Borderline and Beyond is almost ready to go to press. I only need to get the new covers off the old hard drive from the computer that broke and had to be replaced. I've also begun the process of converting Borderline and Beyond to an e-book. Months ago, I started developing a Borderline and Beyond app and I would love to go back to finishing it up, but I have too many other priorities first!

In addition to all the above, Carmel Heart Media provides social media management services for 1st Way of Eugene, Oregon, and CHM is piloting the new internet outreach, "Talk to a Friend." My work for 1st Way ends up being a quarter to a third of all I do each week. I've also recently become a 1st Way Board member. 

The most helpful things for me this year have been spiritual direction, my Carmelite weekends and aspirancy process and my boyfriend, Mark. Mark is devoted to the Lord and far more disciplined in his spiritual practice than I am, so he serves as an inspiration. Having someone close to me who has the same goal of growing nearer to God has brought the two of us nearer together. We're now working well in synchrony and he is learning to do a lot of what I do and helping out with what has ended up being too much for one person. In April, I hope to meet with as many student pro-life groups as possible to help forward the mission of 1st Way, as well. I think of more things to do than I can do alone, and I tend to do too much of that!

Thanks to everyone who has lent support. I look forward to introducing new books very soon.