Discerning God's Will in a New Year

I haven't blogged this month because I've been going through a period of reflection and transition in my career.

This past year, I published five books, an e-book and an app and also provided social media management for 1st Way. I stayed stressed all the time and still didn't reach the business goals I had in the original grant proposal. It was too many balls to try to juggle, although overall, I'm happy with the results of last year.

Insights from Carmel by Patricia Tresselle, OCDS, got released at the wrong time with the wrong files. If you've purchased this book, we'll send you another one free. Big glitch but problem now solved. Luckily, we caught it really fast and the problem is fixed now. This book is a Secular Carmelite formation manual that can be used by anyone, Carmelite or not, to grow closer to union with God.

I'm about to receive a "second tier" of grant funding. So, I'm trying to finish writing my updated business and marketing plan for the next six months. The plan is this- I'm publishing a book by Deacon Matthias Lugendo and I am developing an app on a "secret" subject. The rest of my attention will be towards marketing projects for the seven products I already have out on the market. No more social media work for any other companies, either. (Although this could change, as I'm not through writing the plan.)

You might have noticed I am "all about Uganda" lately. Yes. It started because I met someone online who impressed me immensely- a brilliant deacon who grew up in an extremely poor village with no running water, no shoes. He survived typhoid and malaria and being abandoned by both parents at the age of six. He has the best attitude toward life of anyone I've known. Nothing is more humbling than to help Deacon Matthias publish his autobiography, to record his story of  how he consistently overcame these odds through faith in God, deep gratitude and trust that he would make it through to be of service to God. He has a natural heart of gold, the kind of heart most of us have to work hard all our lives to try to cultivate. 

I'm a person of both enthusiasm and a tendency towards extremes. Since I am Catholic, I get to call it "zeal," so it sounds like I'm practicing great virtue when I throw myself headlong into a cause. So, I set up a scholarship fund for seminarians on Go Fund Me. The results weren't bad. The fund influenced a full scholarship, partial scholarship and donation towards books. I know at least two of the four seminarians I was trying to raise money for are going to go back to school this semester. The other two will not make it because the deadline has either passed or will pass in the next few days. So, I still did not think the results were very good enough.

I have since spoken with Fr John Judie of Father John Judie Ministries, which provides scholarships to seminarians all over east Africa. Father John is not covering Uganda right now but he outlined a way for me to be more effective in fundraising. I'm considering starting a non-profit as a part of that. I need to approach this in a more strategic way. Also I'll need to work on contacting and working with the seminaries directly, so funds can hopefully go directly there. Crowdfunding doesn't seem to be the best medium for this, although I'm still keeping that platform open for people who want to use it. The money will still go to seminarians.

I believe that people who give all their hard work and dedication towards overcoming great obstacles for the glory of God should be helped when they've done all they can and it's still not enough. That is why it is important to sponsor seminarians in third world countries, such as Uganda. Is this to be God's will for me forever to me to work towards this? For a few months? That's up to God and not me. I might even find my time is too limited to do as much for that cause as I really want to do.

I resigned as president of 1st Way, Eugene. I realized I was wrong about what God was calling me to do. I'm still sad about it and miss it. I wish them all the best and hope they continue to grow and thrive and save lives of babies and empower women to take care of themselves, carry their children to term and still live meaningful lives with education and careers.

One of the toughest things in the world is discernment of God's will, but I can tell you what God's will is not:

God's will is not to assume we have found the right ministry in life and to confidently and rigidly cling to that. God's will is not to assume we are better than others because we think we do things better than they do, or to insist we be the best. God's will is also not to be downcast and gloomy, to project negative outcomes in life, to wish negative outcomes in life for others, or to reject the mercy and grace of God because we'd rather feel sorry for ourselves or punish ourselves. We don't get to do this and pretend we are still following God's will. These are sins.

I know a little bit about what God's will is:

God's will is to be open, receptive, positive and trusting, even if he leads us down a windy road or what feels like a confusing maze. God's will isn't as much what specific things we need to choose as much as it is about choosing to give God the reins and allow Him to be our master or not.

We get to make this choice every day of our lives and every moment of our lives. It is the ONLY important decision we make.

Unplanned Changes

A little over a year ago, I had only one goal- to grow closer to God. Ultimately, I wanted to experience union with God, as St. Teresa of Avila did. I didn't really understand what that meant, but it sounded good. It turned out to be a great goal, although I had no idea what I was getting into at the time.

To achieve my goal, I devoted my life to prayer and contemplation. I wanted to become a cloistered nun but in America, there are almost no monasteries that accept women over the age of 35 or 40. Also, I did not know if they would take me with my autism and also student loan debt. Almost certainly, they would not. So, I had to come to terms with how it could be that I did not have a vocation as a contemplative nun when that is what I wanted.

I started attending meetings of Carmelite Seculars, however, and found that the Secular Carmelites have the same level of dedication and commitment that the nuns and friars do, and that they are considered equal members of the Carmelite Order. The only major difference is that we live out in the world and can be married.

As time passed over the past year, I drifted further and further away from my original goal. I became caught up in the affairs of the world. In November, I received grant funding to begin my own business, and  getting everything going took my full concentration. I had to learn how to use new professional software- everything from new graphic design programs to Quickbooks. The original goal in my business plan, to re-publish my books, became delayed because others were interested in what I can do. I had to start figuring out how to go about working with clients- developing rate sheets and publishing contracts. I didn't have time to volunteer for 1st Way anymore, but my company was able to offer professional services to help them instead. Client after client came my way and doing it all became impossible.

My life felt overwhelming until a couple of weeks ago. Before then, I hardly came up for air. I started wondering, "What happened to that girl who only wanted to live her life in contemplation of the Lord?" I had been doing most of the Carmelite Secular requirements- daily mass, liturgy of the hours, spiritual reading, answering my assigned questions for aspirancy, frequent confession, and at least thirty minutes of contemplative prayer whenever I could fit it in. In two years, when I profess promises, contemplative prayer will the highest priority I have. No "maybe I can fit it in" allowed. Even now, I realize how I'm shooting myself in the foot when I don't do it- but I can only integrate so much "newness" at one time. All I can say is, without trying to move towards my original goal of union with God, moving through my daily Carmelite spiritual practices has helped me begin integration of my life with God- and that was not intentional.

A year ago today, it never would have occurred to me that I would be shoving aside contemplative prayer time. It would be absolutely unheard of. All the spiritual disciplines I have learned to integrate into my life have been teaching me to be faithful, and wow, I still have so much more to learn.

The pace of my life has slowed down because I am able now to focus more on one project at a time. I've defined my job roles more clearly with clients and I've learned that my friend Mark is a top-notch editor, far better than I am, and so now we can split a lot of work. I've finally reached my original goals. I can breathe. I can ask myself again how to go about growing closer to God. It feels really good.