Tiny Star

Let me be your little nothing,
whom you love with all your heart.
Let me be your glory's mirror;
may my pride receive no part.

Let me be your emptiness,
to give you room to live.
Let me offer up your majesty;
I have no more to give.

Let me be your tiny star,
obscured by clouds and night.
Only you shall see me there
and keep my flame alight.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton
03/29/2015

God- Why We Need To Talk

I was at a retreat last year where our retreat master said to us, “You will never make time for prayer until you realize prayer is the most important thing you can do.”

There are many days when I think the most important thing I can do is earning a living, or to have fun playing a computer game or to organize my closet, and yes, there are times when these are important things for us to do. But, prayer actually is the most important thing we can do every day.

Why is prayer the most important thing we can do? Well, for one thing, we are utterly dependent on God for everything, from the air we breathe to whether our hearts beat or not.

Prayer acknowledges that we are unable to do anything at all, much less anything important, without God.

And why is that helpful to know? Because God does listen. He does answer our prayers and he is capable of doing anything. Nothing is impossible for God.

My relationship to prayer has changed. For six years, I prayed selfish prayers. I prayed for my continual happiness, good fortune, fame and success in every endeavor to impress others. I learned to cultivate “feel good” during prayer time, by focusing on the vague idea of what love “feels” like.

I was surprised to learn later that love is not a feeling. I was also surprised to learn that in relationship with God, as in any relationship, it isn't very loving to “use” our friends. Sometimes in life, it can seem that God is supposed to be our “prosperity dispenser,” but that is not His function in our lives.

As my relationship to prayer has changed, my relationship to God has changed. It's been significant for me to begin to know the person, Jesus. Jesus is God in a relatable form. I never used to pray to Jesus, only to the Father. But, since Jesus is my friend now, I want to learn all about his life and about who He is. So, my relationship with Jesus has become a more mature and healthy one now.

When I pray to God, I know God is there. I feel Him there, but that's not how I know He's there. Jesus, like “love” is not a feeling. He's Truth itself in human form. Truth can feel all sorts of ways or no way at all. And prayer is not always my “fun time” anymore. I often don't look forward to it.

In addition to the Liturgy of the Hours and daily mass, Secular Carmelites are supposed to do a minimum of thirty minutes of silent prayer a day. And when you think about it, since the Carmelite charism is prayer and prayer is our true vocation in Carmel, thirty minutes is not much time. Yet, in our busy lives in the world, everyone struggles at times to integrate even that minimum routine. This is my third year into practicing this way of life and I still have some really erratic times.

I can tell you why. It's always pride. It's always that I forget I need him for everything there is and that is why prayer is the most important thing I can do. Our relationship with God is definitely that-- a relationship with a Person. Like any relationship, we need to put the time and effort into keeping it alive and growing.

During good times and bad, we need to talk.  

1 a.m. Prayer for Forgetting

Do you remember a dream
that was not about you?
Did it torment or soothe you 

or did neither one matter,
not thinking of you?

What did you see?
What did you hear?

Where were you,
or, did you wonder that?

Was it surreal 
or so real that you froze there?

Did you try to remember
yourself,
but could not?

Tell me,
If you have been there,
please, 

for I can't remember
not remembering me.

I implore you,
Teach me the way.

-Laura Marie Paxton,
09/17/14, 1 a.m.

Why I Am Grateful for Having Anxiety Issues

Grateful for anxiety? This is lunacy. Of course, that is the sort of lunacy you should have come to expect from me by now.

Although it may seem odd to say I'm grateful for having anxiety issues, it is still true. I don't like anxiety, of course, I don't like the way it feels or the toll it causes on my physical health and energy level. I don't like the way it can negatively affect relationships with other people, either. Yet, without anxiety, I wouldn't be as aware of the need to grow closer to God.

The first flutters of heart racing, the first awareness of sweating and labored breathing remind me that I need Him. And even if I end up taking medication for it before I can compose myself enough to pray, I do pray. Later, I find novel and interesting prayers and devotions to try to use when the experience hits. I try all sorts of creative techniques to get a handle on it. I succeed sometimes and sometimes I don't. None of that matters. It's the awareness I have that I need God that matters. That's why I'm on this earth, after all.

I've come to refer to the anxiety onset the "God Alarm." As soon as I can get to a point where thinking is possible, I say, "Thank you God for the call to come closer to you."

Psychological situations can trigger anxiety but I get to have a "sense of control" with them more, since I know my thinking causes them and my thinking can sometimes help stop them sooner.

However, in my personal situation, anxiety will eventually go away on its own, whether I do anything to calm myself or not. And anxiety will come no matter how hard I work to avoid it. For me as an autistic person, loud or screeching noises cause it. Bright lights in my face cause it. Being in a crowd of people can cause it.

My biology reacts immediately. It's involuntary. I carry dark glasses and ear plugs and use them as needed. I try to minimize any situation of overstimulating distress. But, they happen. They happen because life happens. Ambulances screech down the street. Light can suddenly change after a rainstorm, shooting a ray of stabbing light into my eyes, unexpected.

Is my goal to be cured and anxiety free? No, not at all. My goal is to remember I am weak and He is strong. My goal is to remember that I need Him. And so God provides me with that awareness on a regular basis.

With my bad luck, I may end up getting cured of it. And then what will I do to remind myself that I need God? A buzzer on my cell phone just wouldn't be the same.


 "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." -C.S. Lewis

Something Woke Me Up Yesterday- and it wasn't about me.

I learned something great at the Carmelite Monastery yesterday, just as I was dozing off. It was right after our thirty minutes of quiet prayer time and I was groggy.

I'm not sure how or why this came up, but we have been doing Lectio Divina with the encyclical Apostolicam Actuositatem for months now and yesterday, we spent about forty minutes on number 20. I hadn't found this document to be thrilling reading, and it wasn't exactly jarring me out of my stupor.

We were contemplating how the laity is to participate in the work of the Church, because all Secular Carmelites are required to have some sort of lay apostalate, and so we need to understand what that means as well as we can.

Somehow, in our discussion, this verse from Paul came up, "Now I rejoice in my sufferings for your sake, and in my flesh I do my share on behalf of His body, which is the church, in filling up what is lacking in Christ's afflictions." [Colossians 1:24]

The person who brought up the question that served as my "alarm clock," is a pre-aspirant. She is also a convert, such as I am. She had a question I've often had myself. She wanted to know how anything could be lacking in the sacrifice of Christ. In response, I remember becoming suddenly alert, excited that I knew the answer. I rattled off some sort of response I had heard that technically might have been considered right, when actually I did not fully understand the verse myself. So, my response confused her.

I listened for a while and I heard some really profound and eye-opening things from my sisters in Carmel, people who have seriously contemplated this verse for decades. 

For one thing, we don't actually pray. The Holy Spirit prays within us, for us. For another thing, we don't actually produce any good actions in the world. Only God can do this through us. It's not just that in humility, we give God credit for everything. It's that in reality, He really is the only one who HAS credit for anything. This is the only thing that is actually true.

As Christians, we are not ourselves, or who we were. We are the Body of Christ. Each time we receive the Eucharist, we are becoming one with Him and with each other. So, it is Jesus who sees through our eyes, speaks through our mouths, thinks through our brains and suffers in our bodies. So, Jesus is still here on earth, continuing His joys and afflictions through us. We are the vessels and witnesses of His greatness. Christ's work of redemption is complete, yet we must do our share to continue His work on earth, to complete the work that is "lacking" or still needs to be done in the world.

Apostolicam Actuositatem seems really dry at first. I wondered, how do you contemplate something that keeps talking about our personal relation to "the hierarchy." Well it's really about our personal relationship to the Body of Christ, and the hierarchy is just a term for the way that is structured. There's not a word in it about "me," the individual. It's about "they" and about "acting together." If we look more closely at the verse by Paul, it reads, "I do my share," implying he does his part of the group. It doesn't say, "I, on my own, because I am uber-super Catholic girl, do what Jesus couldn't finish doing." It says, we continue to do His work on earth.

The reason Apostolicam Actuositatem seemed so boring to me for the past few months is that I wasn't hearing things about me, me, me. I wasn't hearing what "resonates with me," or that I can "apply to my personal life." I was hearing about how to be a part of something larger than myself, to continue, through my share in the body of Christ, to make Christ's presence more known here on earth.

Well, I'm not sure if I understood all of this correctly or if it was even explained correctly, but it woke me up. (I was literally nodding off before my friend asked this question and I woke up quickly, seizing that opportunity to attempt to say something brilliant to impress everyone-- which thankfully, did not happen, because the group, as a whole, had a wider message.)

I'm not sure we can read the Bible as individuals with individual interpretation as our guide. I'm not sure it was intended to be read that way. In fact, I'm confident that it's not. The  Body of Christ is not the fragments of Christ, after all. 

It was interesting that our President, Chris Hart, talked about how common it is for people to just give all their energy and work towards what they think is serving God, only to find themselves depleted and exhausted. In that weakened state, God actually has someone there to work with to accomplish His true aims. If we think we're serving Him, we're not. I stand convicted- all the way. I started to ponder what it actually means to let Him accomplish His work through us. There's a profound passivity involved that isn't easy to learn.

Well, I can't hit the snooze button on that.

Starving for God and on Diet Pills? Why?

I spent almost my whole life starving for God, although I didn't realize that I was. Imagine that you're ravishingly hungry, but you find a way to turn off your "appetite switch," so that you no longer look for food or eat food. A dieter's dream!

Well, that's not so great when it comes to God. I was truly wasting away inside. 

Years of my life were spent searching for something, but I never quite knew what it is. Yet then, there was the time I stopped searching. I didn't think there was anything out there to find.

There's a way to turn off your natural appetite for God, and that is turning off your "God switch." You see, when you suppress feelings of guilt, fear and weakness, you can become convinced you no longer have a need for God. Your appetite for God is suppressed along with those very natural human feelings.

It's like taking diet pills. And, it works. When you don't believe you need God, your "religion" becomes "personal empowerment" and "manifesting abundance" and feeling good and free to do whatever it is you want.

Most people I know are taking those diet pills. You may be happy, but so are people taking speed so they won't want to eat. I promise you, you're starving.

It was hard to give up spiritual appetite suppressants. Coming to terms not only with my past, but also with the truth of the human state of being sinners, was the hardest thing I ever did. I didn't want to look at it. I didn't want to admit defeat, that following my own will had led me nowhere or into dangerous ground.

Little did I realize, when you take that terrifying leap into repentance, you do really break into pieces, but it doesn't matter. Your fall is cushioned in the greatest peace and the deepest love you've ever known. Your soul is really satisfied. And, the real you may get up off the ground for the first time.

What is Lent? Why do you have it?

I spoke to someone today who knew nothing at all about Lent, other than about the "lint" that you find in the clothes dryer. I realized that the terms I use routinely are like a foreign language to her. So, she suggested it might be a good idea to blog about it, to let people know what Lent is really all about.

Most people know that Lent is when Catholics (and some Lutherans and Episcopalians) get ashes smeared on their foreheads on Ash Wednesday and after that, they give up something they like for forty days until Easter. When most people hear of this, it seems really odd and even incomprehensible to them. What's the point? They wonder. How weird!

I'm sure a lot of people hear or read this, roll their eyes and think to themselves, "Why do they want to deprive themselves?" Sure. Well, it isn't typically "fun." It's a pretty serious time for us, a time of sacrifice. We're also happy and joyful, but overall, Lent is a somber season. 

So, what is Lent and why do we call it a "season" anyway?

Lent is a Church season. Just like we all have fall, winter, spring and summer, the Church has Advent, Christmas, Lent, Easter and Pentecost. We follow the cycle of a Church calendar so that we (as one united church family of 1.2 billion people) can explore the life of Christ and how it relates to us, not just individually, but together.

The way I explained this to my friend today was that my relationship with Jesus is a friendship. Friends listen to each other and want to get to know each other. I don't have a one-sided relationship with God, like I would have like a therapist, teacher or a purely authority figure. I have an intimate relationship with God through Jesus, and so because I love Him, I take the time to get to know Him.

When I pray, I don't just talk to him about my life, to try to get him to understand me and my moods and needs, but I try to understand Him, both as God AND as a human being, like me. As a human being, He has normal feelings, just as we have. He has sadness, anger, fear and joy.

What's the first thing you do when you form a new friendship? You want to learn about the other person. You listen to their experiences and you imagine being in their "shoes" as best you can. You think about how the other person may have felt about things and what they went through.

Jesus went through a lot between the time when he was arrested and when he died on the cross. Because He went through so many intense and important things, we have a ritual called, "The Stations of the Cross," which allows us to meditate deeply upon each event Jesus experienced on His last day. 

Why would we do that? Why would we be so focused on that? Because we feel sad that our friend had to go through all that for us. We want to show Him respect and honor. We want to show Him we care about what happened and what he went through. A friend would do this for a friend. It's like being a good, caring and attentive listener, a witness to His pain and appreciative of His gift of Himself.

When we give things up, whatever they are, we are letting Jesus know that we want to give gifts to Him too. We want to offer Him small gifts of sacrifice to show our appreciation. Making our small sacrifices helps us empathize and identify with His pain and sacrifice and it helps unite us to Him. He made the Ultimate Sacrifice and nothing we can give means anything next to that. But, we need to learn to grow in love and so we practice giving all we can give back to Him.

So, that's why crazy Catholics give up chocolate or alcohol or Facebook or television for forty whole days. It's a very little action that means a whole lot more when we approach it in the right way. Sure, some people just go through the motions, but we are lucky to have special events, programs and liturgies throughout the lenten season to deepen our relationship with God as much as we feel drawn or inclined.

Next Wednesday is Ash Wednesday, the day that begins our season of Lent. I look forward to it even though it's not an easy time, because I know the more I put into it, the closer I grow towards God.

Discerning God's Will in a New Year

I haven't blogged this month because I've been going through a period of reflection and transition in my career.

This past year, I published five books, an e-book and an app and also provided social media management for 1st Way. I stayed stressed all the time and still didn't reach the business goals I had in the original grant proposal. It was too many balls to try to juggle, although overall, I'm happy with the results of last year.

Insights from Carmel by Patricia Tresselle, OCDS, got released at the wrong time with the wrong files. If you've purchased this book, we'll send you another one free. Big glitch but problem now solved. Luckily, we caught it really fast and the problem is fixed now. This book is a Secular Carmelite formation manual that can be used by anyone, Carmelite or not, to grow closer to union with God.

I'm about to receive a "second tier" of grant funding. So, I'm trying to finish writing my updated business and marketing plan for the next six months. The plan is this- I'm publishing a book by Deacon Matthias Lugendo and I am developing an app on a "secret" subject. The rest of my attention will be towards marketing projects for the seven products I already have out on the market. No more social media work for any other companies, either. (Although this could change, as I'm not through writing the plan.)

You might have noticed I am "all about Uganda" lately. Yes. It started because I met someone online who impressed me immensely- a brilliant deacon who grew up in an extremely poor village with no running water, no shoes. He survived typhoid and malaria and being abandoned by both parents at the age of six. He has the best attitude toward life of anyone I've known. Nothing is more humbling than to help Deacon Matthias publish his autobiography, to record his story of  how he consistently overcame these odds through faith in God, deep gratitude and trust that he would make it through to be of service to God. He has a natural heart of gold, the kind of heart most of us have to work hard all our lives to try to cultivate. 

I'm a person of both enthusiasm and a tendency towards extremes. Since I am Catholic, I get to call it "zeal," so it sounds like I'm practicing great virtue when I throw myself headlong into a cause. So, I set up a scholarship fund for seminarians on Go Fund Me. The results weren't bad. The fund influenced a full scholarship, partial scholarship and donation towards books. I know at least two of the four seminarians I was trying to raise money for are going to go back to school this semester. The other two will not make it because the deadline has either passed or will pass in the next few days. So, I still did not think the results were very good enough.

I have since spoken with Fr John Judie of Father John Judie Ministries, which provides scholarships to seminarians all over east Africa. Father John is not covering Uganda right now but he outlined a way for me to be more effective in fundraising. I'm considering starting a non-profit as a part of that. I need to approach this in a more strategic way. Also I'll need to work on contacting and working with the seminaries directly, so funds can hopefully go directly there. Crowdfunding doesn't seem to be the best medium for this, although I'm still keeping that platform open for people who want to use it. The money will still go to seminarians.

I believe that people who give all their hard work and dedication towards overcoming great obstacles for the glory of God should be helped when they've done all they can and it's still not enough. That is why it is important to sponsor seminarians in third world countries, such as Uganda. Is this to be God's will for me forever to me to work towards this? For a few months? That's up to God and not me. I might even find my time is too limited to do as much for that cause as I really want to do.

I resigned as president of 1st Way, Eugene. I realized I was wrong about what God was calling me to do. I'm still sad about it and miss it. I wish them all the best and hope they continue to grow and thrive and save lives of babies and empower women to take care of themselves, carry their children to term and still live meaningful lives with education and careers.

One of the toughest things in the world is discernment of God's will, but I can tell you what God's will is not:

God's will is not to assume we have found the right ministry in life and to confidently and rigidly cling to that. God's will is not to assume we are better than others because we think we do things better than they do, or to insist we be the best. God's will is also not to be downcast and gloomy, to project negative outcomes in life, to wish negative outcomes in life for others, or to reject the mercy and grace of God because we'd rather feel sorry for ourselves or punish ourselves. We don't get to do this and pretend we are still following God's will. These are sins.

I know a little bit about what God's will is:

God's will is to be open, receptive, positive and trusting, even if he leads us down a windy road or what feels like a confusing maze. God's will isn't as much what specific things we need to choose as much as it is about choosing to give God the reins and allow Him to be our master or not.

We get to make this choice every day of our lives and every moment of our lives. It is the ONLY important decision we make.

Insights from Carmel- A Guide to Growth Toward Union with God

Insights from Carmel by Patricia Tresselle, OCDS, has gone to press! The books should be available in the next week or two, just in time for Christmas!

I'm more excited about this book project than any others I have done this year (including my own.) I love Pat's book. She provides an in-depth study of the writings of Carmelite saints, Carmelite prayer types and methods, and meditations through the liturgical year. 

The book is intended to be used at the discretion of formation directors in the various communities but it is also a great introduction for anyone who wants to learn more about Carmelite spirituality and the Carmelite way of life.

The goal of Carmelite spirituality is to live in union with God. Pat Tresselle shares some powerful insights and tools to grow as close as possible in relationship to Christ our Lord.

Here's what's in the book (from the table of contents):

   

1. The Process of Formation
2. The Development and Necessity of Prayer 
3. Basic Types of Prayer
4. Stages of Prayer: Following St. Teresa 
5. Prayer and St. John of the Cross
6. St. Therese and the “Little Way of Prayer”
7. Prayer and Christian Meditation 
8. Lent, Penance and Prayer 
9. Epiphany
10. A Journey Through The Interior Castle 
11. May- The Month of Mary
12. Prayer and Action In a Carmelite Life
13. St. John of The Cross, Teacher and Guide 
14. Meditation On The Magnificat
15. The Beatitudes and Carmelite Spirituality 
16. The Way of the Cross and The Way of Nada 
17. Meditation on Gethsemane
18. Meditation of Jesus’ Last Words on the Cross

The Heartbeat of Jesus, Why I Live

I was wandering the woods in my amnesia, 

Following the lights to scattered campfires, wandering to who knows where.

The moon was full

My heart was hungry

Who am I? Where am I?  So lost, confused and crying.

When my father held me as a baby, his heartbeat soothed my every tear.

When I am close to Jesus, I am near his heartbeat too. 

I am a baby in his arms and His Sacred Heart holds my heart in the safest place I'll ever be.

As I grew older, my dad and I camped by the river. The heartbeat of the river soothed me in the intoxicating laurel thicket where we slept.

Every evening, my dad's friend would say, “This is the life.” 

Years passed when I could not hear that heartbeat. 

All I could hear were chaotic sounds of need and fear, 

frantic crickets and cicadas seeking quickly fleeting mates.

The moon was full

My heart was hungry

Starving, all alone.

One day, I will find myself, floating on my back, nailed to my cross.

I won't move there but I'll be freer than in all my life, alongside of Jesus in that river of peace. 

Indifferent to my pain, my peace will deepen, more than I have ever known. He has shown me that. 

Jesus, floating with me, will say to me, with all delight, “My child, this is the life.”

The Cross, it is the Life, the life that pulls me back into the rhythm of His heart at His breast and the waves in their joy, “My child my child, this is the Only Life.”

My heart is full

As the moon fades into dawn.

Amen.

-Laura Paxton 11/02/2013

My Heroine, St. Teresa of Jesus

Today is the feast day of St. Teresa of  Jesus, also known as St. Teresa of Avila. She is my patron saint and the foundress of my order, the Order of Discalced Carmelites.

Before I became Catholic, I was researching to write a book about contemplative prayer. I read several books by and about famous contemplatives during that time, but the story that struck me the most was that of St. Teresa of Avila. Although she had spent her life as a nun, she did not have a "spiritual awakening," or what could be called a "spiritual conversion experience," until she was in her forties. I approached reading St. Teresa as a woman also in my forties who was disillusioned with life, directionless and wanting something more. 

In popular spirituality, which some refer to as "new age," much is often said about "union with God." Union with God can give unlimited power, bliss and wisdom, they say. Seems everyone has a path to get there, for the right price. Yes, I bought in to it. It's sad to me now that I once believed that good feelings, money and status and power could contribute at all to quality of life. They really don't.

St. Teresa had a similar realization, and wrote:

"I spent nearly 20 years on that stormy sea, often falling in this way and each time rising again, but to little purpose, as I would only fall once more... I can testify that this is one of the most grievous kinds of life which I think can be imagined, for I had neither any joy in God nor any pleasure in the world. When I was in the midst of worldly pleasures, I was distressed by the remembrance of what I owed to God; when I was with God, I grew restless because of worldly affections."

The confirmation saint I chose, when I became Catholic, was St. Teresa of Avila. This is before I even knew there was a Secular order of Discalced Carmelites. My sponsor had given me a book with the lives of the saints in it, and I had considered choosing another one. In the process, I read and became impressed with the lives of many saints, but still my main affection went to St. Teresa.

Only a month or two after my conversion, I met Terry Ianora, director of 1st Way in Eugene, Oregon, who is a Secular Carmelite. Immediately, I wanted to find out more about the order. I spent a year as an aspirant before being accepted into the order's formation program early last summer.

Thank you, St. Teresa, for showing me what life is really all about. It's all about Him. He is all that gives life breath and power and meaning. He gives all purpose and following His will provides all that is satisfying and worth living for.

St. Teresa of Jesus, pray for us.

Jesus loves us MOST where we are weak.

At the Secular Carmelite retreat I went to last weekend, I heard a message I didn't expect and it has changed the way I'm hearing scripture, liturgy and homilies. I have different ears somehow.

The topic of our retreat was, "Rediscovering the Riches of Divine Intimacy," with retreat master Father Robert Barcelos, OCD. I had been wondering how to grow in intimacy with God, pondering how it was that I had been feeling stuck for so long and even having a hard time following through on my prayer commitments. 

Father Robert said that Jesus loves us MOST where we are weak. He doesn't love us DESPITE when  we're weak, but loves us MOST when we are weak. It's his preference. Whenever Jesus picks a place of encounter, it is in a place where life is messy, shameful or overwhelming for us.

Where did Jesus choose to encounter mankind, face to face, in the flesh, for the first time? In a dank, smelly stable, in the middle of the night. He could have chosen any other place to meet us, but he chose there, a messy, unpleasant, uncomfortable place. When we follow Jesus through the scriptures, where does He meet us? He goes to where the tax collectors and prostitutes are. He is right there when the adulterous woman is to be stoned to death. He's there with the sick, hungry and grieving. He doesn't seek out places where He isn't needed or where people don't realize that they need Him, but He is, as Father Robert said, "a magnet for our affliction." He wants with all His heart to love us there.

The enemy also zones in on affliction. Like a shark smelling blood, he moves quickly for a kill. The greatest spiritual battles of our lives are around our wounded places and our weak places. The enemy will try to make you run from God in shame, but where do you go when you feel ashamed? Into the arms of the enemy instead. 

Spiritual Discernment Tip from Father Robert: Jesus will never want you to run away in shame as Adam and Eve did in the garden. They ran in shame because they were under the power of the enemy during that time. Jesus will correct us but He will also embrace us in His love. He treasures our trust and our repentance more than anything else.

Simple truth but powerful for me. I notice a lot now when I start to feel shame, pain, weak and overwhelmed, especially now that I'm moving. I remember Father Robert saying, "Jesus loves you MOST in your messiness." Before communion, we say, "Lord, I am not worthy that you come under my roof, but only say the word, and my soul shall be healed." Honestly, I have always thought to myself that I am not worthy for anyone to come under my roof. I'm a mess. I don't want to invite anyone into that. But, apparently, Jesus is like a One Man clean-up crew. He's not a King we have to prepare the homes of our souls for, so they'll be good enough for Him to enter. He's the only one who CAN clean them, order them, straighten them out. When he knocks, we should say, "Thank the Lord he's here. he's the only one who can heal my soul," instead of running from Him in shame. 

I don't have to run from God anymore, which is what I have been doing when I skip my liturgy of the hours or my daily prayer time on occasion. I don't have to run away from love. He WANTS to live in me, and he loves me MOST when I'm a mess inside because he loves to do His work to order it.

So, lately at mass, I'm transfixed on what I hear. I go to daily mass, so honestly some days, I'm thinking, "blah, blah, blabbity blah." Now, I'm hearing mercy and grace and love and what God wants to do for me to help me carry out His will. Hey, I've heard this a zillion times but never really HEARD it before. I realize this will pass, but I'm not daydreaming. My mind isn't wandering. I'm right there... because I know He loves me there.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is perfected in weakness." -2 Corinthians 12:9

Why pray anyway?

"Prayer and intimacy with God are the only way to nourish and sustain ourselves through the outward sacrifices of daily life. We need prayer in our life to fulfill the deepest desires of our heart that we are not even aware of- to bring us a peace and joy that we could not have established for ourselves. God, the One, put this desire in us so that we would reach out in love, to love, and He sent us Jesus to show the way." 

-Pat Tresselle, OCDS

Pat Tresselle has a down-to-earth way of explaining things that other Carmelite authors have lacked. Pat just has the ability to make "tough" concepts make sense. Why do we need prayer? To fulfill needs and desires we may not even be aware of. In other words, do it although we don't know why to receive more reward than we could ever have dreamed. We need something. We don't know what it is. We can't get it without help. So, trust that strange desire to search for meaning and reach out to Him. God's the One who gave us that desire and He is the only one who can quench it.

Pat Tresselle's book, due for release in November of this year, tackles these and other difficult concepts in a way that makes it all come together. Get ready for the great, "Aha!" 

It you'd like to be notified when Insights from Carmel is released, contact info@carmelheart.com

 

St. Therese of Liseux, "Play Mate" of the Child Jesus

An Excerpt from, "Insights from Carmel," 

by Pat Tresselle, OCDS

In my early years as a Carmelite, I was eager to get to know about the lives of all our great Carmelite saints. St. Teresa of Avila, the reformer and foundress of the Discalced Carmelites, I found easy to read and relate to. She was spunky, outgoing, and a determined woman who led a full life and experienced the deepest spiritual relationship with God. Her writings were simple outlining prayer and spiritual paths to God.

St. John of the Cross was not so simple. He was highly educated and his spiritual heights were reached through much adversity. His writings and spiritual guidance were very deep and needed to be read over and over again to fully understand and appreciate his teachings.

Then there is St. Therese of Lisieux, with her short and sheltered life, telling us of her “little way.” I must admit upon first reading of her life and writings I said, “How could this young girl, with little experience of life and a relatively easy and sheltered one at that, really know anything and think she could give anyone else advice?” It took me several years of re-reading her works and getting to know her, and also developing a little more spiritual maturity, that I could truly appreciate the simplicity and innocence that only lay on the surface of her deep spirituality. 

 

I learned we had more in common and experience than I realized and that she does, indeed, teach us more about perseverance and faith through the “dark nights” of our life than the others because she did not have the ecstasies and spiritual consolations as Teresa and John did to help bring her to the heights of union. Her knowledge of God was simply infused into her.

While the teachings of St. Teresa and St John of the Cross were from their own experiences and written as steps or instructions to others, St. Therese and her “little way” is based simply on faith, hope and love. She experienced very few spiritual consolations, yet her prayer was firm in the faith of God’s presence and love for her and all sinners. She experienced her own “dark nights,” even to the very end of her life, but she always had hope in her prayers for God’s mercy and acceptance of her littleness. And love continuously shined through her life in her constant efforts to please her father, her sisters, several nuns in her monastery that seemed to resent her.

She was always praying for the conversions of sinners and missions. In her littleness, she had much devotion to the Child Jesus and to the Holy Face which she took as her religious name. In the final months of her sickness, she tried never to be an inconvenience to the other sisters and always apologized if she was short with them. Love and charity prevailed even when her faith and hope were at the lowest ebb.

But most of all, without her even realizing it, she had so much to teach us. The little flowers she promised to rain from heaven were her simple words about prayer. Those words are so simple, spontaneous, innocent, and precocious, but always from her pure heart. She never provided particular plans or instructions on prayer, but enjoyed simple and direct conversation with Jesus, just as St. Teresa of Avila had encouraged. With Therese, there didn’t need to be a special place to be in. Wherever she was - in bed, at play, on a trip, in company or alone, her thoughts could go quickly to the presence of her “Child Jesus” and tell Him all of what was on her mind or in her heart at a given moment. 

 

In her childlike fervor, she loved to imagine herself as a little ball that the “Child Jesus” could play with. She would correlate different circumstances of her life to what Jesus was doing with his “little toy ball” at the time - either bouncing it around in play, or holding it tight to His heart, or just leaving it alone in the corner. She would imagine that, during the arid times of prayer, Jesus had left her (the ball) in the corner and the he was sleeping and not paying attention to her.

She also liked to imagine herself as a little flower and, every time she did a good deed or accepted a sacrifice, she was placing another little flower at the feet of Jesus. She referred to that often in her Story of a Soul and thus she received the nickname of “St. Therese the Little Flower.”

St. Therese, in her own little way, passed through all the “mansions” of St. Theresa’s Interior Castle and the “dark nights” of St. John of the Cross. She had her share of doubt, aridity, consolation and emptiness in her short lifetime. We cannot compare or judge anyone’s sufferings or trials against another as God gives according to each person’s character and spirituality what they need. A small thing to one individual can be a very big thing to another. What might appear to be a relatively small trial, when experienced by St. Therese, they seemed like huge caverns to her pure and simple soul.

She was just fourteen when she first desired to enter Carmel. No doubt, much of this desire in the beginning was due to her two older sisters already in Carmel, especially since her sister Pauline had been a surrogate mother for Therese when their mother died. But the trials she went through the next whole year to obtain special permission to enter at age fifteen greatly matured her. Then her father, whom she loved dearly, died shortly after she entered the convent.

In her nine short years living as a Carmelite nun, she experienced mostly aridity and the “dark nights” and, even while lying sick before her death, she wrote of her “Trial of Faith.” Because she had tuberculosis and endured a prolonged and agonizing illness, she experienced and accepted this as true martyrdom and sainthood. But to persevere in faith and hope and love when at times it seemed God wasn't listening or seemed to not be there was the hardest of all. 

 

I am sure we have all experienced these feelings and St. Therese gave the greatest example for us- to remain at peace and persevere until the end. Hers is the prayer of simplicity- just speaking directly to God about our deepest longings and complete surrendering as a child to a parent, remaining in faith and the feet of Jesus until He is ready to “play.” 

 

Through her and by her example, many of her sisters in the monastery with her, (including her own blood sisters and many others that followed after,) gained knowledge and hope that through the little trials of life, they could experience union and be close to God, even in the “little ways.” We need not feel that the absence of visions or ecstasies means failure, for we can, without our knowing it, soar to great spiritual heights. 

 

Therese not only experienced great sufferings, but offered even her darkest moments as a sacrifice and holocaust to Jesus on behalf of sinners. We, too, must realize we can offer all our own suffering and struggles to God as our sacrifice (our holocaust) and wait patiently for God’s will to be done. Prayer is the key. Constant persevering prayer, in good times and in bad, both as set down by our Rule and every time our heart feels the tug for spontaneous conversation with Our Lord. Prayer gives us courage and keeps us connected to the Lord of life.

Like her, in childlike simplicity, we place ourselves at Jesus’ feet like a ball or little flowers. We bask in His love and raise our petals in prayer. “Here I am Lord! Accept my life as a sweet fragrance of my love.” But if Our Lord walks past us and our petals are temporarily crushed beneath His Precious Feet, have no fear or feel lost. He’ll be back. Let sweet surrender renew your petals of prayer, for the Son of God will shine on you again. One day, He will stoop to pick us up and place us in His heavenly garden.

(from "Insights from Carmel," coming soon from Carmel Heart Media)

Meet the Author- Pat Tresselle, OCDS

Pat Tresselle, OCDS is currently a member of the Eugene Oregon Maria Regina Secular Carmelite Community.

She originally came from the Redlands California OCDS community, where she had entered into formation in 1974 and made her vows in 1983. She held the positions of treasurer and secretary before becoming formation director of that community from 1979 to 2002.

In 2003 she moved to Roseburg, Oregon with her husband and transferred to the Eugene, Oregon community. It was during this time that she began putting together the material she wrote as formation director (along with other articles she wrote– two of which were published in the Carmelite Digest.)

Pat's book, Insights from Carmel, is coming soon from Carmel Heart Media!

Happy Feast Day of the Amazing Prophet Elijah, Father of Carmel!

"In Elijah, we see the solitary prophet who nurtured his thirst for the one and only God, and lived in his presence. He is the contemplative, burning with passionate love for the Absolute who is God, "his word flaring like a torch.” He is the mystic who, after a long and wearisome journey, learned to read the new signs of God's presence. He is the prophet who became involved in the lives of the people, and who, by battling against false idols, brought them back to faithfulness to their Covenant with the One God. He is the prophet who was in solidarity with the poor and the forgotten, and who defended those who endured violence and injustice. 

From Elijah, Carmelites learn to be people of the desert, with heart undivided, standing before God and entirely dedicated to his service, uncompromising in the choice to serve God's cause, aflame with a passionate love for God. Like Elijah, they believe in God and allow themselves to be led by the Spirit and by the Word that has taken root in their hearts, in order to bear witness to the divine presence in the world, allowing God to be truly God in their lives. Finally, in Elijah they see, one who belonged to a school of prophets and knew what it was to live in community; and with Elijah they learn to be channels of God's tender love for the poor and the humble."

From the Carmelite Consitutions, 1995.

O Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, You alone are God.

Your servant Elijah lived in your presence and acted on your Word. Help us to drink from the well of his wisdom.

Shelter us in Cherith, and lead us to Carmel, luring our hearts away from all false gods. 
Open our eyes to the needs of those suffering. Open our mouths to speak comfort and justice. Open our hearts to your voice in the silence. 
Send angels to strengthen us. Send the rain of your grace to quench our thirst. Let us break bread with the starving and bring life to places of death and despair. Send us as prophets to herald your Gospel.

Allow us to rise to you in paradise.

Those who met your son Jesus saw in him

the spirit of Elijah. May Elijah lead us to your son.

We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

(Photos are from the Shrine to St. Elijah at Mount Carmel, Israel. The first is from the cave and the second is the view from above. Photos are from our formation director from her pilgrimage.)

St. Elijah's message is deeply meaningful to me because it is through him I turned my heart back to the Lord when I felt lost and forgotten. Led by his spirit, I became infused with ever-growing zeal and faithfulness. I am in love with this very ancient and beautiful tradition.

 

Coming soon- Insights from Carmel by Patricia Tresselle, OCDS

Patricia Tresselle, OCDS was the formation director for Secular Carmelite classes from approximately 1979 to 1999. During that time, Pat wrote many soul-stirring articles for use with formation.

Non-Carmelites will now have the rare opportunity to study some of the OCDS formation process and learn about the Carmelite way of life. Pat Tresselle teaches types of prayer and stages in the formation of prayer life, and she also shares insights she has had through the years about the teachings of various Carmelite saints and reflections on their literary works.

Pat is also a friend who served as my mentor during my year as an OCDS aspirant. As soon I met Pat, I experienced her natural joy and playfulness, and I knew she was someone I wanted to get to know. She is an incredibly insightful person and I have enjoyed her thoughts and reflections, especially in our lectio divina. For all these reasons and more, I am excited to be publishing her book, which will be a great resource to ordinary people who are searching for spiritual development, Carmelites and people discerning the call to Carmel.

Insights from Carmel is coming soon. If you would like to be notified when the title is released, please email laura@carmelheart.com.

I Don't Know How To Stop

I feel whiny today. Yesterday, I cried.
Why, oh why, do I have to slow down?
I hate it. I want to stay busy.

Everyone who cares about me annoys me by trying to get me to stop. I want them to go away, since I'm too busy for them anyway.

My therapist said I need more breaks in my day to take care of myself.

My spiritual director said I need to keep doing Eucharistic Adoration for the next three months and then we'll re-evaluate whether I need to continue. I don't have to obey what he says, but I'm not seeking direction because I'm a genius at how to grow spiritually. My talents lie more in the realm of driving myself to the edge of psychosis and back. So, I agreed and I do what I agree to do. I realize that what I want isn't always what I need.

I don't want to slow down. It's almost as if I feel the world will come to an end if I do.

I used to play computer games non-stop at night, five and six hours at a time, to de-stress. But, that just charges adrenalin and provides escape. Plus, annoyingly, none of my advisers think this is healthy anymore or want me to continue. In fact, I have yet to find anyone in their right mind that thinks I should continue. Wow, I'd love to find one!

So, I have to do other things, like turn to God more. 

I'm pushing myself really hard. I've spoken before small audiences four times this week- four. And it terrifies me to do that. I'm also making a special effort to be more present and responsive to my boyfriend. I emotionally neglect him and autism is a reason. Especially when I'm overloaded, I want and actually need to shut down and go inside myself to hibernate from everything. However, it is but not an excuse to ignore him completely and in general, act like a jerk. I can't stop doing my best to give my best. He's sick this week too, so he needs more care.

Also, there is my overwhelmingly difficult Quickbooks class and the fact that I am preparing three books for printing and none of that is going as smoothly as I think it should. But mainly, the problem is that I don't want to let go of my control and give that over to God. I just don't.

I tell every autistic I know not to make big changes in their lives all at once or they will set themselves up for meltdown. Yet, I refuse to listen to what I know is true.

Why?

I SAY that I want to do the right thing, with all my heart, more than anything else. And my heart breaks that it's never enough. Yet, even though I feel that's true. I'm lying to myself. I don't know what the right thing is. I just want to push myself to feel important, valued, and redeemed. It's really all about me.

After receiving communion yesterday, I just prayed, and I said, "Jesus, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to put limits on anything." I felt His presence clearly and a soft voice spoke in my heart, "My love needs no limits."

The infinite love God offers us doesn't push us to the brink of insanity. That sort of thing is MY forte, not His!

I need to go do my Eucharistic Adoration in about an hour. For my non-Catholic friends, it's basically spending an hour with God in a chapel. Tomorrow, at the end of my monthly day at the Carmelite Monastery, I meet before a council of officers and our spiritual adviser, to see if I will be permitted to enter formation. What do I need to do more than focus on de-stressing and making room for that unlimited love in my heart? Only my pride wants to save the world. Enough.

Carmel Heart Media- The First Four Months

This year, Lent has drawn me inward and has helped me clear out some obstacles from my mind. I've had an unusually good month. I've let go of some attachments to people, places and things that used to cause me spiritual and psychological problems. I've been able to relax more. I've been feeling "like myself" more. The last few years have been hard because I did feel like I lost myself and have just recently found myself again.

As of today, Carmel Heart Media has been in existence for four months. I'm at work publishing an author's book on autism from a child's perspective and I have arranged a book signing tomorrow for another author. I'm working on memoirs for another author whose work will not be publicly released. 

The re-release of the original version of Borderline and Beyond is almost ready to go to press. I only need to get the new covers off the old hard drive from the computer that broke and had to be replaced. I've also begun the process of converting Borderline and Beyond to an e-book. Months ago, I started developing a Borderline and Beyond app and I would love to go back to finishing it up, but I have too many other priorities first!

In addition to all the above, Carmel Heart Media provides social media management services for 1st Way of Eugene, Oregon, and CHM is piloting the new internet outreach, "Talk to a Friend." My work for 1st Way ends up being a quarter to a third of all I do each week. I've also recently become a 1st Way Board member. 

The most helpful things for me this year have been spiritual direction, my Carmelite weekends and aspirancy process and my boyfriend, Mark. Mark is devoted to the Lord and far more disciplined in his spiritual practice than I am, so he serves as an inspiration. Having someone close to me who has the same goal of growing nearer to God has brought the two of us nearer together. We're now working well in synchrony and he is learning to do a lot of what I do and helping out with what has ended up being too much for one person. In April, I hope to meet with as many student pro-life groups as possible to help forward the mission of 1st Way, as well. I think of more things to do than I can do alone, and I tend to do too much of that!

Thanks to everyone who has lent support. I look forward to introducing new books very soon.

Mercy and Miracles~ Reflections on Aspirancy

Today was my monthly "Carmelite Day." Each month, I spend the day at Carmel Maria Regina Monastery in Eugene, Oregon. It's a busy day. We have mass, morning and evening prayer, lectio divina and I have three classes. Every month, I have assignments to read and answer questions, but I've completed all the material for my Aspirancy now. The next step will hopefully be entering formation, which is the secular order's equivalent of moving from being a postulant to a novice. It's strange to think that this year hasn't been called "formation," because I'm definitely feeling like I've been being shaped and formed and the Carmelite way of life has had everything to do with it.

I reflected today about how I've grown in confidence this year. I'm feeling braver in the tasks I undertake. I have a fuller sense of what God wants from me in my life and I'm developing what can only be called a lay apostolate. In a year that I've also just been integrating what it means to be Catholic, I've been exploring what kind of Christian, or "new person in God," I really am. I'm nothing like I thought I was. I'm actually getting better at working together with others in groups and I feel like I have a better sense of humor. For an autistic like me, these are pretty amazing things. Just two years ago, I had no goal or purpose and had given up on life entirely. Just last year, I was afraid to be around people much at all. As amazing as this is, I am not amazing at all. The power of God working in me is what's amazing.

Our scripture reading for today was about the pharisee and the tax collector. The pharisee proudly tells everyone what a good and faithful Jew he is. He seems to do everything "right." He dots his I's and crosses his T's in all he does. He gives to charity, he fasts, he keeps the ten commandments. And, he certainly did not need Jesus' help. The tax collector beat his breast and said "O God, have mercy on me, a sinner." Jesus said that the tax collector was "justified," but the pharisee was not.

The tax collector was intensely aware of his need for God and of his absolute dependence on God. When we don't realize our absolute dependence on God for every breath we take and every thought we think, there's no room in our soul for God to enter in. After all, telling God you don't need Him is pretty much shutting the door on Him. It doesn't matter how many good works you do if you give yourself the glory.

You may have wondered why Catholics repeat, "God have mercy," so much. Well, the answer to your question is here. "God have mercy," is the equivalent of, "Help, I desperately need you!" The truth is that we do, desperately need God every minute of our lives. Our need to depend on Him will never go away.

As we go out in the world, we are bombarded with messages of how to "succeed" in careers and to surpass others financially or in the way we dress or look. We're inundated with messages to be the best in all we do and especially to be better than others in doing those things. These messages are so persistent and so strong that if I were not repeating, "Lord have mercy," to myself often, I would lose the realization of how much I need God. To lose that realization is to lose everything.

Humans are just so incredibly knuckle-headed. We don't remember such a basic thing. I know for me, I need constant repetition. My tendency is to be driven toward self-aggrandizement. I need constant reminders that I'm here to serve Him and not myself, and so I am Catholic.

Since I am dependent on God for everything, he deserves the glory in my life. I dearly want to give Him that, but sometimes I also want to steal the spotlight. This has been a wonderful year of growth for me, but it really has been all about God. He's been the center of my life and my constant prayer has been for His direction and help. I feel so grateful. This Easter will be my first anniversary as a Catholic. What a year!