Unplanned Changes

A little over a year ago, I had only one goal- to grow closer to God. Ultimately, I wanted to experience union with God, as St. Teresa of Avila did. I didn't really understand what that meant, but it sounded good. It turned out to be a great goal, although I had no idea what I was getting into at the time.

To achieve my goal, I devoted my life to prayer and contemplation. I wanted to become a cloistered nun but in America, there are almost no monasteries that accept women over the age of 35 or 40. Also, I did not know if they would take me with my autism and also student loan debt. Almost certainly, they would not. So, I had to come to terms with how it could be that I did not have a vocation as a contemplative nun when that is what I wanted.

I started attending meetings of Carmelite Seculars, however, and found that the Secular Carmelites have the same level of dedication and commitment that the nuns and friars do, and that they are considered equal members of the Carmelite Order. The only major difference is that we live out in the world and can be married.

As time passed over the past year, I drifted further and further away from my original goal. I became caught up in the affairs of the world. In November, I received grant funding to begin my own business, and  getting everything going took my full concentration. I had to learn how to use new professional software- everything from new graphic design programs to Quickbooks. The original goal in my business plan, to re-publish my books, became delayed because others were interested in what I can do. I had to start figuring out how to go about working with clients- developing rate sheets and publishing contracts. I didn't have time to volunteer for 1st Way anymore, but my company was able to offer professional services to help them instead. Client after client came my way and doing it all became impossible.

My life felt overwhelming until a couple of weeks ago. Before then, I hardly came up for air. I started wondering, "What happened to that girl who only wanted to live her life in contemplation of the Lord?" I had been doing most of the Carmelite Secular requirements- daily mass, liturgy of the hours, spiritual reading, answering my assigned questions for aspirancy, frequent confession, and at least thirty minutes of contemplative prayer whenever I could fit it in. In two years, when I profess promises, contemplative prayer will the highest priority I have. No "maybe I can fit it in" allowed. Even now, I realize how I'm shooting myself in the foot when I don't do it- but I can only integrate so much "newness" at one time. All I can say is, without trying to move towards my original goal of union with God, moving through my daily Carmelite spiritual practices has helped me begin integration of my life with God- and that was not intentional.

A year ago today, it never would have occurred to me that I would be shoving aside contemplative prayer time. It would be absolutely unheard of. All the spiritual disciplines I have learned to integrate into my life have been teaching me to be faithful, and wow, I still have so much more to learn.

The pace of my life has slowed down because I am able now to focus more on one project at a time. I've defined my job roles more clearly with clients and I've learned that my friend Mark is a top-notch editor, far better than I am, and so now we can split a lot of work. I've finally reached my original goals. I can breathe. I can ask myself again how to go about growing closer to God. It feels really good.

Autism, The Dogs I Love and Me- Coming Soon!

Great News! 

Carmel Heart Media has a new book on the horizon.

Coming soon:  

Autism, the Dogs I Love and Me, a children's book by Christopher Dean (with help from his father, George Dean) 

Christopher tells the inspirational story of how he came to terms with having autism, partly through the help of his furry pals. This should be a book to help introduce even very young children to what autism means and how life can still be very good.

Christopher's father, George, is from my home town of Rome, Georgia. We are both alumni of Shorter College, which is now Shorter University.

Take a close-up look at the cover. There are more than 30 different dog breeds represented!

Christopher Dean with his dad, George Dean

Now Limited Availability of Borderline and Beyond

What a busy week! My focus right now has been finding ways to cut back on stress and define priorities. I can't think of many things more difficult, but I'm pushing through.

Exciting previews into the publishing world!

Barnes & Noble online has my books in stock. You can also get your local B&N to special order it. They have it in their catalog.

My books are listed on Amazon for pre-orders. I have no idea why there are four independent booksellers already carrying and selling them but they are, so you can order from them via Amazon. I have no idea what my distributor is up to and why Amazon does not have their shipment yet, but you can still get the books there.

The workbook to accompany the text is here. This one used to have the picture up but it's temporarily down. Why, oh why? Two independent booksellers have it and are selling it on Amazon but Amazon itself apparently doesn't have a shipment yet.

My new website is almost ready to launch, and of course I'll be selling it there.

Come one, Come all, Buy the gift of mental health!
(or at least a creative approximation)

Borderline and Beyond: The Original is Coming Back Soon!

I'm feeling really excited about the whole new set of Borderline and Beyond products soon to launch. For those who remember, when I was in my mid-twenties, I wrote a book, spiral bound it and sold it on a personal website and on Amazon. The book became a niche best seller and so it was re-published as a book and workbook set. My book has been revised twice, once to include "spiritual" principles and once to include applications to autism.

The strangest thing has happened since the last revision- I've continually received e-mails to bring the original book back. I've seen my original books being sold on E-bay for outrageous prices. The first was the best and so I'm bringing it back now-- but with much prettier covers!

Look, I even have a "fake spiral binding" graphic! Doesn't it look real?

Here's a picture of the accompanying workbook. I'm really happy to have my original book back. Also, most of you know I haven't had a website since 2007, when I let laurapaxton.com go. Carmelheart.com will be launched soon and these books will be for sale along with a Borderline and Beyond E-book and a way-cool App. 

I'll also be showcasing books I've published for other authors, including Terry Ianora, OCDS and I'm working with three other authors to bring their dreams to press!

You'll also see my books on Amazon and Barnes & Noble soon. I'll let you know when they are up.

This is an exciting time. I'm happy to share it with you.

St. Teresa, Shock and Trauma

I've thought a lot this week about a class Father Stephen Watson, OCD taught at our last secular Carmelite meeting. He was teaching us about “St. Teresa and the Resurrection,” from Volume 1, Testimony #12 by Kieran.

In this example, St. Teresa of Avila had emotionally merged so much with the passion of our Lord Jesus and identified so much with the experience of His mother that she was unable to be happy and celebrate the resurrection on Easter Sunday. St. Teresa was still deep in mourning for what our Lord had experienced. She even said her “hands grew numb in affliction.” Her soul became suspended. St. Teresa experienced something known as a “rapture of affliction.”

I had never heard of this, but a “rapture of affliction” is an experience that takes us beyond ourselves but not in the sense of ecstasy. While in this state, St. Teresa contemplated Jesus and Mary. In her contemplation, she saw Jesus with Mary after the resurrection. Mary was in such trauma after the experience of watching God, her son, be tortured to death, she could not shake herself out of it. She stared, numb, as if “shell-shocked” even when her son returned from the dead in his glorified body. She needed help, and he stayed with her a long time, St. Teresa said. So, St. Teresa let Jesus “stay with her a long time” as He did with His mother, helping her to recover from all of that agony in order to celebrate new life.

Nowhere in the Bible is there reference to Jesus going to visit His mother, but that was a personal thing and not a public one. I can imagine the disciples would not feel this relevant to include while recording Jesus's public mission. Perhaps this was one of the many things that happened that was not written? Regardless of whether Jesus was there to help comfort Mother Mary in her trauma, He will always be there for us.

How often does that happen to us, after an occasion such as the Boston Marathon bombing or one of the many school shootings or other mass murders our nation has faced? Trauma is a fact of life. Our Blessed Mother may have gone through it. It is during our deepest trauma that Jesus comes to us and wants to help heal us until we are able once again, to celebrate His resurrection and the miracle of life. He is always there, patient and waiting, even if we are too in shock to see Him there.

No matter how you hurt, God is not a drug.

Lately, I've had a lot going on in my head. For those who remember, in my last blog post, I was stressed and overwhelmed. I have good news for you that I've been resolving things. When I first published that post, I wanted to take it down. It seemed too personal. Yet, when I received comments on Reddit that people really related to what I was going through and that it helped them, it was worth it.

I thought I was doing too much, pushing too hard. I even thought I was on the verge of hypomania. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and he said I'm doing better than he's ever seen me. He said the last thing I need to do is worry about how I'm doing. But, growth hurts sometimes. It's tough.

Last week, I wrote about trying to learn how to stop myself from driving myself crazy. The odd message I felt God wanted to give me is that I didn't need to stop His love. What I felt Him say confused me. It made no sense and wasn't the answer I was looking for. But, now, I understand. Let God out, let Him run free through my body and soul. Give God unbridled access to living through me. Then, I don't have to worry about stopping. I just need to let Him start and not stop HIM.

This doesn't mean I don't take breaks, rest, meditate, pray, know when I've gone too far and quit activity. It means exactly that I DO need to do all those things. I need to do those things because if I don't, I put limits on God and what He can do. Just like He told us, His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

I'm an intense person, no doubt about it. I have the wide feeling range of a bipolar, the laser like focus of an autistic and sometimes, anxiety attacks on top of it all. So, I can relate to just about anybody who is a little crazy.

I remember years ago, when I worked as a mental heath case manager, I had a client who called me up and said, in a terrified, gasping voice, “Laura, I NEED you, I need you, come here.” I asked her why and she just cried and repeated, “I need you.” So, since I made home visits, I drove way out to her trailer in the Appalachian mountains. When I opened the door, there was my client, with a shotgun pointed at her mother. I won't say much further except to say that all survived, she went to jail and I quit my job.

Sometimes, I have felt that way myself. Now, I don't mean I've felt like I would point a gun at anybody, but I've felt that desperate, terrified need. So many times, I pray to God in that voice, “I need you! I need you!” I will often flash back to that client when I feel that, thinking, “Wow. The pain!” Anyone with anxiety disorder can relate, I am sure. It isn't even logical.

I used to approach communion like that quite a lot. I wanted to be fed with God's comfort and love. I would return to my pew and sometimes cry with joy. Jesus became a drug. So, my spiritual director asked me, “What kind of way is that to treat anyone you love? Next time when you receive communion, pray that the sacrament will give you the strength to serve Him.”

Wow. That was around nine months ago that we had that conversation and I have always said those words in prayer before communion and after. It's made a huge difference in my life. I've learned things this year about the great sacrifice Jesus made for us. He gave us everything. My job is to learn to give everything back, to learn to give as He did.

I've had thoughts spinning around in my head this week about how Jesus told St. Peter that if he loved Him, he would feed his sheep. In other words, if St. Peter loved Him, he would show mature love and give until it hurt.

Over the past nine months, I've learned more every day about how to grow in maturity and love. The secret to my happiness is to push forward instead of sliding into anxiety verging on despair. For instance, instead of crying, “Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!” as if in panic from the bottom of a well, awaiting rescue, I've learned something that feels really novel and unique to a former Protestant.

I've learned how to offer Him up. I can lift up my arms to God and hold Him high and say to God, “Behold, your son. Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! There is nothing worthwhile I can offer you except for this.” Jesus died because we had nothing at all to offer God without Him. If I don't offer Him up, I still have nothing. To give Jesus to God, as the gift Jesus wants to be, is amazing. We do it every time in the mass. We do it every time we pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet.

Jesus is the only worthy gift to give to God, but if we seek to merge our lives with His, we will grow in holiness and love. How do we merge with Him? Give like Him. Give like he does, and that means all we have and all we are. Yet, I have to remember that when I'm keeping myself insanely busy, trying to justify myself and prove myself, impress people and get approval, I'm not making any room for Him to live in me. Everything I do is absolutely worthless without Him. Remembering this is a constant challenge for me.

There is so much pain in our world, so much tortured misery. We have extreme violence erupting all over our planet and we have since the day we left Eden. We cry out to Jesus, “We need you,” and then we make ourselves crazy with activity to try to kill the pain, when really, we need to learn to serve Him. Only then can we have peace.

I Don't Know How To Stop

I feel whiny today. Yesterday, I cried.
Why, oh why, do I have to slow down?
I hate it. I want to stay busy.

Everyone who cares about me annoys me by trying to get me to stop. I want them to go away, since I'm too busy for them anyway.

My therapist said I need more breaks in my day to take care of myself.

My spiritual director said I need to keep doing Eucharistic Adoration for the next three months and then we'll re-evaluate whether I need to continue. I don't have to obey what he says, but I'm not seeking direction because I'm a genius at how to grow spiritually. My talents lie more in the realm of driving myself to the edge of psychosis and back. So, I agreed and I do what I agree to do. I realize that what I want isn't always what I need.

I don't want to slow down. It's almost as if I feel the world will come to an end if I do.

I used to play computer games non-stop at night, five and six hours at a time, to de-stress. But, that just charges adrenalin and provides escape. Plus, annoyingly, none of my advisers think this is healthy anymore or want me to continue. In fact, I have yet to find anyone in their right mind that thinks I should continue. Wow, I'd love to find one!

So, I have to do other things, like turn to God more. 

I'm pushing myself really hard. I've spoken before small audiences four times this week- four. And it terrifies me to do that. I'm also making a special effort to be more present and responsive to my boyfriend. I emotionally neglect him and autism is a reason. Especially when I'm overloaded, I want and actually need to shut down and go inside myself to hibernate from everything. However, it is but not an excuse to ignore him completely and in general, act like a jerk. I can't stop doing my best to give my best. He's sick this week too, so he needs more care.

Also, there is my overwhelmingly difficult Quickbooks class and the fact that I am preparing three books for printing and none of that is going as smoothly as I think it should. But mainly, the problem is that I don't want to let go of my control and give that over to God. I just don't.

I tell every autistic I know not to make big changes in their lives all at once or they will set themselves up for meltdown. Yet, I refuse to listen to what I know is true.

Why?

I SAY that I want to do the right thing, with all my heart, more than anything else. And my heart breaks that it's never enough. Yet, even though I feel that's true. I'm lying to myself. I don't know what the right thing is. I just want to push myself to feel important, valued, and redeemed. It's really all about me.

After receiving communion yesterday, I just prayed, and I said, "Jesus, I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to put limits on anything." I felt His presence clearly and a soft voice spoke in my heart, "My love needs no limits."

The infinite love God offers us doesn't push us to the brink of insanity. That sort of thing is MY forte, not His!

I need to go do my Eucharistic Adoration in about an hour. For my non-Catholic friends, it's basically spending an hour with God in a chapel. Tomorrow, at the end of my monthly day at the Carmelite Monastery, I meet before a council of officers and our spiritual adviser, to see if I will be permitted to enter formation. What do I need to do more than focus on de-stressing and making room for that unlimited love in my heart? Only my pride wants to save the world. Enough.