RSVP to the evil one

Why do I fight you?
and why do you scare me?

You try to convince me I've done something horrible,
ruined something precious, destroyed something vital,
made people hate me and caused the people I respect most to not care about me.
You are the accuser- accusing me of your own sly crimes.

It's not okay to give you any power
any attention, any emotion, any serious thought.

God is stronger than you,
and I can tell you, "No."

When I fail, it's because I'm ashamed to admit
you're getting the upper hand,
but if I don't, no one can know to help me fight.

Fear of the Lord is a healthy respect, a secure defense.
Pride is a toxin, slowly ravaging souls.
You want to keep tempting me to drink that pride,
like a sedative, to calm your attacks.

You work to scare me that life will disappoint
and will hurt me every time.
Fear of being hurt is the most stupid fear there is.
Hurt can't harm like losing my soul.
And you can harm me without hurting at all,
with the opiate of your empty promises.

Why do you terrify me that people don't love me?
Screaming those lies at me, night and day.
And that I am a bad person for caring at all.
You serve me self-pity and drama as food,
when I have the bread of eternal life.
Why, you fool, do you even try?

Since all you know to talk about is I, I, I and
me, me, me--
The only way to shut you up is not to think about myself at all.
You don't know me anyway.
The only "me" you know is the
prey you want to capture
in your quagmire of eternal pain.

I will drown you in your useless tears,
Lock you in a cell to shut out futile cries,
Your impotent lies. 

Hell. That's right. Just go there,
Now.
Suffer by yourself.
I won't be joining you.

-Laura Marie Teresa Paxton
06/11/2015

Prayers for Pretenders

With a stony heart,

It was hard to forgive,

the years you pretended

to be my Lord.

You accepted His praise.

You accepted His gifts.

You accepted His money.

You are a thief.

You took His devotion.

You took His love.

You distorted His holiness,

called Him a parasite,

when the real parasite was you.

You are not Him

and you are no mirror for Him,

for me, or for anyone.

Not once did you even try to be,

although you let people 

believe that you did.

You stood in His place.

You blocked His way.

You made promises 

you never intended to keep.

Why do it?

It wouldn't serve you.

It was my crime too,

to believe in you.

I have agonized over

my idolatry,

and how I too

betrayed my Lord.

I will always go against myself

in everything I say and do

because if I don't,

I will stay the victim

of people like you,

who make "all for self"

your golden calf.

I unite this betrayal with Jesus' betrayal by Judas.

And I offer it up for His holy purposes,

for I am His, now and forever-

not yours.

Elijah,

God gave me a natural heart

just like you said,

so

please pray for me to use that heart

to love my betrayers,

leave God to judge them,

and wish for His mercy,

for me and for them.

Amen

Paul and Barnabas- Why Not Be "As Gods?"

Today, I was the lector for daily Mass and I read something that really made me think and reflect. Today's scripture was about when Paul and Barnabas fled Iconium because they were almost stoned; they healed a man in Lystra; were lauded as gods and then they turned down the honor. (Acts 14: 5-18)

What stopped them from accepting the crowd's willingness to treat them as gods? Did they just stop and remember that they weren't supposed to, because of the ten commandments? Did they berate themselves for pride and find that turning down the honor was a difficult temptation?

No. They "tore their garments." I believe Paul and Barnabas loved Jesus very much. I believe they loved Him so much that to even consider accepting any credit for His glorious actions pained them deeply. 

I thought about so many modern "teachers" or "gurus" who teach people to love themselves above all else, some of which may not encourage but do allow people to worship them as "enlightened ones," like gods. What if Paul and Barnabas had reduced themselves to that level?

They could have. Why didn't they? Paul and Barnabas lived devoted to our Creator, the "living God." It was the love for Him that fueled their passion. To accept any credit was unthinkable. Their joy was to spread the message of God's ever-living, ever-loving power, everlasting power- A love so great that our Creator took on flesh and then sacrificed that flesh for us. 

What if Jesus had not risen? Would He even have been remembered as a teacher and prophet? Or would he have been remembered as a failure, a weakling and a fraud? 

A great truth emerges from the Resurrection- The strong and firm foundation on the living God is the only true enlightenment, the only firm rock we can trust, the only freedom and power worth giving our lives for. 

To consider any credit for anything our Creator gives us is pure blasphemy. I have nothing and am nothing unless my Creator allows me to have it. 

By spending time with God- in prayer, in service, in the sacraments, or in any act of worship, we come to love Jesus more and more. We come to love Him so much that receiving credit for anything becomes absolutely unthinkable.

Daily Readings:
http://www.usccb.org/bible/readings/050415.cfm

Look at Original Sin With New Eyes

Nobody likes the idea of original sin. The people of today's world like to choose which beliefs suit them and "original sin" certainly does not suit them. If I were shopping for beliefs, I'm sure I wouldn't buy that one. Who would?

"Original sin" may be the two most important words you will ever hear. And, as strangely paradoxical as this may sound, if you hear them, while listening with an open mind, you will understand something beautiful. You will understand how much God loves you. You will understand how to be joyful and at peace. 

But, if you close your ears to hearing these two words, and close your mind to taking in their meaning, any experience you may have of spiritual freedom will be counterfeit. 

Once upon a time, in a galaxy (thankfully) now far, far away in my mind, I was told a little story. It went something like this:

A baby is born in perfection, radiating perfect love. But, later the people and culture surrounding the child convince him that he is imperfect. They are all lying to him! How the people appeared before him who were imperfect and able to spread the imperfection came to be is a mystery, but that's what happened.

Because, you see, Adam and Eve never really left the Garden of Eden. We're still in there. The problem is that we can't see the truth that is around us. We believe we are walking around in a broken world,  but this is nothing but a "bad dream" based on lies about our imperfection. That is what the knowledge of "good and evil" was- The lie that there really is good and evil. There really was no original sin, but only an original judgment, which began when Eve and Adam ate the forbidden fruit and gained that "knowledge."

If we can extricate ourselves from judging ourselves, life's situations and others, we can return to the innocence of realizing we are perfect and our world is perfect. As a result, the Garden of Eden, Heaven on Earth, will appear to us. 

Sound extreme? Although it is the norm in our culture to shun judgment of others, some take it to its natural extreme conclusion and it becomes a "spiritual path." It's not just a philosophy, but a dedicated lifestyle. 

What do I see happening here? Fifty shades of profound loss.

The story you have just read is perfectly plausible if you deny original sin. As I pointed out, who wouldn't want to deny it? It's not an enjoyable idea, and it's certainly not an "empowering" one. But, let me explain to you the outcome of not believing in original sin, and perhaps you will see how harmful the denial of original sin can be.

I spent over six years trying to create Heaven on Earth by training myself not to judge anything. And the condition of my soul, by the time I found out the real truth, was dead.

What is lost when original sin is denied?

God can't get through to us. He can't strengthen what isn't weak, heal what isn't sick, fix what isn't broken. 

Of course, the point of being born perfect is that you are also born all powerful and can accomplish all that strengthening, healing and fixing just by denying, denying, denying original sin. If you deny it well enough, you will feel happy, like the dear little carefree child you once were. 

Yes, it would be great if it worked this way. The problem is that it doesn't. Just like children who aren't able to feed and clothe themselves from the moment they are born, we always need to depend on what is beyond ourselves. 

We are created for God and we weren't meant to live and operate without our connection with Him. 

If we deny that there is any God beyond ourselves; believe that we are that God; or that someone else is a god; that all of us are one god together; that we don't need God because we can tap into some place called the "source," or any other variant of this denial, we're missing exactly the same boat.

With an understanding of original sin comes the understanding that we are not in Eden any longer. 

Our first ancestors disobeyed God and as a consequence, that door to Eden was shut. We were born outside Eden as a consequence of what they did. The world outside of Eden is a broken one. And suffering and evil are randomly unleashed on the earth in ways that are not just or fair. 

God loves us too much to leave us like that, abandoned, outside of the world He intended for us. 

Disobedience is what caused our first parents to sin, and they disobeyed based on the pride that they wanted to be gods and not need God. When we return to Him and admit we need His help, His guidance, His mercy and His love, the doors are open once again to paradise. When we return with humility and with obedience (the opposite traits to the ones our original parents had), we are able to repent and break free. 

One reason original sin is a hard idea to take in is that it makes us feel "originally puny" when we think about it. Nobody wants to feel puny, or bad just for being born. However, I don't mind feeling puny anymore, because now I can accept the love and mercy of the omnipotent Creator of the universe who cares about each soul as if it is His only one. 

I'm talking about restoring natural connections that were broken when I talk about original sin. We are floundering in an unnatural state when we resist the idea of original sin, which negates the possibility of an antidote. 

If we don't accept the illness, we can't receive the medicine. 

And our souls die. 

Tiny Star

Let me be your little nothing,
whom you love with all your heart.
Let me be your glory's mirror;
may my pride receive no part.

Let me be your emptiness,
to give you room to live.
Let me offer up your majesty;
I have no more to give.

Let me be your tiny star,
obscured by clouds and night.
Only you shall see me there
and keep my flame alight.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton
03/29/2015

Only A Soul

I gave you my soul

for eternity.

You accepted 

that forever bond.

You are a vampire

you told me that night;

and we are the antichrist

you told her that day.

Each Easter, we ate and drank

communion offered

to ourselves, as the gods.

Find God in you

in the mirror, you said,

hours, days, months and years

believing and hoping

I'd find her there,

But, all I could see

were my vacuous eyes.

The eyes you photographed,

saying they looked up to see

you, infinity itself. 

I gave you my trust,

loyalty, devotion

and faith

So, if you happened

to notice this girl

dying slowly,

Don't worry.

It's only a soul.

Only a soul,

sacrificed for you

for your comfort,

for your wealth,

for your pleasure.

Am I being selfish,

you asked me that night.

You are enlightened

and can't be, of course.

One day, you released me,

but kept that bond.

And it weighed me down

like a ball and chain.

I'm not a victim

Victimhood is not allowed.

But for every dollar you make,

For each admiring face, 

for every blissful, tearful eye,

Remember,

Don't worry,

It's only a soul.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton,
03/12/15

Network Breakdown

The wires aren't connected
the signals won't move.
And he sits there, many worlds away.
His voice is there, so sweet, so dear..
but he and I aren't connecting here.

Since not with him,

not with anyone.
They all are all so far away.

Just need a connection..
a connection.. connection.. please..
any.. I reach... hand is slapped or pushed back.
Too much trying.. wrong way trying..
Afraid. Hide inside. 

Do they wish I would disappear?
They all turn back in scorn,
ones I love, ones I admire,
even the ones who used to look me in the eye and
just talk about the weather..
They talk about snow while I talk about rain. 

My reflections in the mirror blur.
My echoes come back in someone else's voice.

One by one, the synapses break,
in his mind,
in our minds
I will never meet the Dad I knew
again in this life.

It's not you.
It's not me.
It's everywhere I go.
It's everywhere I turn.
It's everyone I meet
and everyone I know

No matter how much I've known them
they all go further away-
friend, acquaintance, confidant,
all the synapses break
between us all
shatter and snap
just as his break.

Am I losing them all?
All at once?

He matters, so much,
They matter, so much
but
I don't matter.
I don't matter.

Because
I can't connect, connect, connect..
Just like he can't, he can't, he can't.

The whole world has become him
and I have become him.

Weakness is a crime
So, just like him,
take the key and
leave me in this cell,
in my shell
where the lonely wind cries
and my heart dies again and again and again.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton, 03/05/15

A Real Mother and a Rare Child #RareDiseaseDay2015

I can't know what it's like to watch my baby in the hospital, constantly subjected to painful tests, surgeries and procedures, to not be able to hold him, to not be able to heal him, save him, comfort him or do anything at all to make it better.

I can't know what it's like, for over a year, to not know what's wrong and how to help, despite the tests, despite the experts, despite the fights, despite the prayers and despite the tears.

I can't know what it's like to dedicate my life to fighting day and night for a way to heal my precious baby- to argue with doctors, to demand a fair chance for diagnosis, to seek to the ends of the earth for someone who can save my precious son. 

I can't know what it's like to have a tiny little girl who also wants her mommy's attention, and to give her every ounce of my time that I can and always feel it isn't enough.

I can't know what it's like to have a nearly paralyzed baby on life support who could stop breathing at any time, to deal with that daily fear and pray constantly to our Lord for his help, for strength to make it through and to have the faith to believe in what feels like the impossible. 

I can't know what it's like to have nurses and caregivers getting sick or cancelling their work shift, leaving me to abandon my plans for the entire day to watch my little child to make sure he doesn't stop breathing, while watching my little girl at the same time and being the best wife to my husband I can be. 

But I can admire her. And I can support her. And I can hold her up as an example of what it means to love, to sacrifice, to devote my life to faith and courage. 

Priscilla Zahner Rosenlund, I love you. 

And that is one of a million reasons why I support #RareDiseaseDay2015.

And I ask for more research, more funding for research, more public attention and more prayers for the one in ten people with rare disease, such as Baby Truett and for mothers like my cousin Priscilla, with nowhere to turn. 

Falling for God

We are born to die and dying is the most important thing we can do, to prepare for leaving this world. I want to do that well. Can I feel pain and suffer and still love and forgive? Can I look for every opportunity I can to show God how much I love Him? Can I make my life a gift to God that culminates in the final sacrifice of my life?

Blessed Titus contemplated these things from prison as he waited to be killed. He had been tortured ("experimented on") in Dachau, day after day for many weeks. The entire time, he prayed for his torturers and cried out, "Thy will not mine be done!" 

While in prison, he wrote, "(Christ), in your weakness, you conquered the world. Let me be weak with you and bow deep under the weight of life. Be insignificant and small in the eye of the world and stand up again with you for new suffering until my death will be the crowning of my offer. Amen." 

Blessed Titus lived and died this prayer. 

The world we live in does not teach us these things. The world we live in teaches us that "Heaven on Earth" means an abundance of wealth and pleasure, and that we can be empowered, full of great self-esteem. Some take it to the extreme and see themselves as gods and goddesses. 

Yet, it is pride that separated us from God in the beginning- The pride that we knew better than God whether or not to eat the fruit of the Garden. And it is only through humility that we may return to Eden. 

Jesus fell for me. 

May I also fall for Him, and when I fall, let it be all for His glory.

Let me fall to the ground and never get up, but let only Jesus rise in me.

Blessed Titus Brandsma, pray for us.

Amen.

Edit: As of 02/25/15, this blog has been significantly edited. There were a couple of theological errors in it that are now corrected. So, some sections have been omitted in order to make a clearer point. Thanks for your patience!

An Invitation to Eternal Friendship

My former formation director asked why I haven't blogged in a while, and she suggested that my writing about the humanity of Christ may be a good idea. I had shared with her something my spiritual director taught me last week and she said it had revolutionized her thinking and deepened her experience of the Eucharist. So, she wanted me to let more people know.

I will be happy to share it, although it is not my idea, but my understanding of his lesson. Jesus Christ is more human than we are. He is not less human, but more human. Humanity doesn't equal sinfulness because humanity was never intended to be sinful. As humans, we were created perfect and our fall from grace actually made us less human, a warped distortion of what it means to be human instead.

Jesus came to restore humanity to our original perfection and goodness, as a “second Adam,” and to offer humanity a second chance. Jesus is 100% human, which is 100% good, and He is also 100% God.

So, what does this mean to us? I imagine it means something different to each one of us personally.

For me, it means the opposite of what I was taught in my "new age" spiritual path before. I believed that we lost Eden because of our desire for knowledge of good and evil, which had to do with judgments. If we could stop judging, we could return to Eden, where we could reign as gods.

Well, good luck with that, since even if we did not judge we would still live as a human who is less perfect than were designed to be. We would just convince ourselves we were perfect anyway, and lose the opportunity to know the real return to our natural and perfect human state.

That solution does not re-unite us to God our Creator. It only blinds our vision from the truth of our alienation from that God. Judgment is not the enemy. Alienation from our loving Creator is the enemy and judgment did not create that. Pride did. We wanted the knowledge of good and evil so we could “be as gods,” after all.

And this explains why I am creating the app I am developing. I want to bring us closer to our loving Creator through Christ, the new and perfect man. I want people to relate to Him as a human man, as well as to God, because this is the reason He was born and died for us.

In Father's homily this morning, he talked about what Christianity has that secular “spirituality” lacks. We have a real relationship with the Trinity, the Trinity that original sin wrenched us away from. My new app has over 500 quotes by Jesus Christ himself, from Sacred Scripture. It also includes over a thousand quotes by four Carmelite saints and four blesseds.

What's the point of using quotes from our saints and blesseds, and not just the words of Jesus Himself? Their life was dedicated to helping bring people into a deeper relationship with Christ. So, I want to do that for us, too. I want their words to help us form friendships with these masterful guides, so we can come to know our true Love and Master, Jesus Christ.

I want everyone to know the profound and permanent intimacy, healing, love and joy this friendship offers.

So, in my usual peculiar style, I have been developing a “communication gadget,” a “telephone” of sorts, to help us form a deeper connection with Him.

“If anyone comes to me, I want to lead them to Him.” -St. Teresa Benedicta (Edith Stein)

Longing to be Still

Jesus, through this frantic world, could you just hold me still?

I don't want to be happy.
I do not want comfort,
for these things pass.

O How I long to be still, still, still with you.

I've had enough,
and nothing else will satisfy.
and there is nothing I won't do
to be still with you.

Let the world keep spinning,
Let it spin until I'm sick,
but Jesus, hold me still.

I want to be unmoving
when life moves lightning fast,
blowing me apart,
and leaving torment in its wake.

There is not much I can count on here.
People lie and use each other.
People die and people leave and
my world spins upside-down.

Just freeze me in your constant stop.
Still my thoughts, Still my heart, Still my being.
Still my all.

Your stillness,
dear sweet stillness,
doesn't have to feel good.
Only make your stillness last.

and Jesus,
Bind me to your cross forever,
for that is where the greatest peace is.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton,
01/10/15

Advent: Preparation for His Power

Christmas teaches us about the strength and might in gentleness, mercy and innocence.

In preparation, Advent can teach us to cleanse ourselves of attraction to false power, so that we might become receptive to the true power of Christ in our lives.

Jesus Christ has brought the world an unexpected (and before unheard of) type of power. Before his arrival, many of the Jewish people were expecting a ruler of military strength, such as David. Much of our world believes power lies in physical strength, the ability to influence, or even to bully and hurt others, physically and emotionally. 

The attraction to power goes far beyond the obvious example above. Humans forget what's most important. We can become consumed with trying to prove our worth to others and to the world, so we may seem "powerful" in their eyes through our "specialness" or "greatness." 

When we are over-focused on creating the "perfect" Christmas celebration for our families, or on producing the perfect work of art or project at work, we are often led away from our primary goal of living here on earth, which is to love and serve God. We are not called to impress Him or anyone else.

Love and service don't have to be fancy or special, just real, honest, sincere and from our heart.

Just through the "mere" act of being born, Jesus demonstrated for us how to live all eight beatitudes. When the Creator of the universe came to us as a tiny baby, He taught us all we need to know about how to love.

When we look at a painting or icon of the Blessed Virgin Mary holding Jesus, the baby, who is really the focus? Mary is larger and Jesus is smaller, but does that mean Mary is more important? 

No, for Jesus taught us that we are to come to Him as a little child. Jesus never asks us to do anything He did not do first. Jesus comes to us in a tiny, vulnerable human form, held lovingly by his mother, who serves Him with her care. 

It is in the image of Madonna and Child that we see true majesty and might of Christ. Within that tiny baby is contained all the strength and power in the universe. He doesn't want to force us to love Him, but beckons us through the sheer power of His love to open our hearts and souls to Him. 

Jesus came to us in a dirty stable, a place we where we would probably be ashamed for anyone to visit us. Jesus still wants to meet us there, in those dirty, shameful, hidden places of our souls. And he meets us there with the purest, humblest and most precious love there is. 

During advent, as we prepare for Christmas, let us prepare our hearts and souls to receive the strength of the peace of Christ. Let that purification time center around letting go of false ideas of what makes us and others strong. Let us give ourselves to Him with greater humility, purity and simplicity, as He first gave himself to us. 

"O Blessed Jesus,

Give me stillness of soul in you.

Let your mighty calmness reign in me.

Rule me, O King of Gentleness,

King of Peace."

-St. John of the Cross

Why I Cope with Life Better Today

I do not know how I would cope with my life if I were not Catholic. I can easily tell you that I would not cope well. Years of living beforehand would bear that out. 

Here are some differences in how I get through tough times today vs. during my "heretical" years. 

(1) My emotions do not control my decisions as much.

Free will has to do with making decisions without being driven by emotions. I am making more solid, logical and clear choices now than I ever have before. During my "heretical years," I believed that free will had to do with extricating myself from the oppression of moral obligations in order to be free to follow my feelings. How did that work out for me? Hmm.. I'm writing this... so...

(2) I take care to have selfless motives. 

When I pursue being of the greatest service to God above the motives for comfort, public opinion or material things, each decision I make has meaning. When I work to make my life a gift to God rather than a gift to myself, I do not have time to immerse myself in self-pity or resentment.

Good feelings and material things will all pass away. Peace in my heart, mind and soul will never be possible if I waste any time trying to chase any other goal than to serve God. 

(3) Suffering can help me.

A central focus of our faith is how suffering in life can help us. No moment of suffering need ever be wasted. We would all agree that an athlete preparing for competition puts herself through a lot of pain and personal sacrifice towards achieving her goal. A person preparing himself for holiness, in order to prepare for the life beyond, will need to make similar sacrifices and endure pain as a part of developing character. 

When I suffer, I can lift that suffering up to God as a sacrifice for the good of another. I can also use that suffering as an opportunity to surrender my human will to God's will, as Jesus did. I can experience a bond between me and Jesus as I willingly embrace suffering. 

The Catholic practice of penance is also a way to use suffering as an advantage. The evil one believes he can control us with the fear of suffering and death. When we willingly choose suffering, we baffle him. That is why the Passion and Cross of our Lord is the most powerful antidote to evil. 

(4) Comfort? Why?

Many people turn to religion as a comfort when life is painful and challenging, but if I use prayer primarily to make myself feel better, I am using God and not serving God. God's purpose is not to help us feel good, but to BE good- the salt and light of the earth. Although often prayer can be comforting, I do not have to be a slave to comfort when I choose to follow God. Peace is far better than comfort. 

God- Why We Need To Talk

I was at a retreat last year where our retreat master said to us, “You will never make time for prayer until you realize prayer is the most important thing you can do.”

There are many days when I think the most important thing I can do is earning a living, or to have fun playing a computer game or to organize my closet, and yes, there are times when these are important things for us to do. But, prayer actually is the most important thing we can do every day.

Why is prayer the most important thing we can do? Well, for one thing, we are utterly dependent on God for everything, from the air we breathe to whether our hearts beat or not.

Prayer acknowledges that we are unable to do anything at all, much less anything important, without God.

And why is that helpful to know? Because God does listen. He does answer our prayers and he is capable of doing anything. Nothing is impossible for God.

My relationship to prayer has changed. For six years, I prayed selfish prayers. I prayed for my continual happiness, good fortune, fame and success in every endeavor to impress others. I learned to cultivate “feel good” during prayer time, by focusing on the vague idea of what love “feels” like.

I was surprised to learn later that love is not a feeling. I was also surprised to learn that in relationship with God, as in any relationship, it isn't very loving to “use” our friends. Sometimes in life, it can seem that God is supposed to be our “prosperity dispenser,” but that is not His function in our lives.

As my relationship to prayer has changed, my relationship to God has changed. It's been significant for me to begin to know the person, Jesus. Jesus is God in a relatable form. I never used to pray to Jesus, only to the Father. But, since Jesus is my friend now, I want to learn all about his life and about who He is. So, my relationship with Jesus has become a more mature and healthy one now.

When I pray to God, I know God is there. I feel Him there, but that's not how I know He's there. Jesus, like “love” is not a feeling. He's Truth itself in human form. Truth can feel all sorts of ways or no way at all. And prayer is not always my “fun time” anymore. I often don't look forward to it.

In addition to the Liturgy of the Hours and daily mass, Secular Carmelites are supposed to do a minimum of thirty minutes of silent prayer a day. And when you think about it, since the Carmelite charism is prayer and prayer is our true vocation in Carmel, thirty minutes is not much time. Yet, in our busy lives in the world, everyone struggles at times to integrate even that minimum routine. This is my third year into practicing this way of life and I still have some really erratic times.

I can tell you why. It's always pride. It's always that I forget I need him for everything there is and that is why prayer is the most important thing I can do. Our relationship with God is definitely that-- a relationship with a Person. Like any relationship, we need to put the time and effort into keeping it alive and growing.

During good times and bad, we need to talk.  

Fasting from Facebook: Fruits of Famine

My Facebook Fast:

A Conservative Catholic's Hiatus from Social Media

Day 1: Woke up excited as usual to get on Facebook first thing to see what all my FB friends were doing. Then realized.. ICK.. I can't do that. Fingers still automatically tapped to find it on my phone and my iPad, before I realized I had wisely taken it off. Well, what else will I do? Maybe do my morning prayers first. Okay, good. But, I really, really, really want to do something, anything compulsive on my computer- web searches! That will fill the void. Why can't I stop this? Am I getting nowhere as far as developing self-control?

Um, yeah, well it is still day one. And morning.

Bookmarking articles everywhere I wish I could share but can't. That's funny. That's enlightening. That's amazing. I want to show you! show you! show you, world! Please! Why, oh why God did I decide to go on this Facebook fast? I have such great things to share with the world! And now, they'll never know.

I never realized it was so important for me to keep the world informed of current issues.

Day 2

Isn't that cute, the way my cat woke me up this morning? And I can't tell anyone on FB. Drat! Breakfast looked beautiful too. No one will get to see a photo of my delicious meal. *Sigh!* I was going through the news, and I saw some really ugly churches and compared them to the beautiful ones of yesteryear. And some vestments too. And, I was unable to post that in my liturgical abuses group or ANY of my traditional Catholicism groups. What kind of fun is that?

A combat marine survived a head shot thanks to the intervention of St. Michael. What if nobody posted that? Would the world know about the miracle without my letting them know? And there is another Cardinal with an opinion that goes against what I feel Jesus intended. Where is my group where we can all vent and roll our eyes and finally just pray because we resign ourselves to bemoan how it's not our job to judge that?

Sad and grumpy. Hating it. I'm still finding other compulsive things to do online, like obsessive online searches, which I am feeling powerless to stop. Somehow, I miss the compulsivity outlet served by FB. Took two online quizzes at Psych Central which confirmed, I am a "high intensity user" and "very likely a FB addict." Realized I am a "high intensity everything," and providentially found another intense, yet not addictive thing to do.  Involved moody music and dark art and poetry.

Day Three

This is like being a kid and you're grounded and not being able to talk to  your "fwends." Even if they're virtual and not in person, they are still my friends and I miss them. My life was much more peaceful when I stuck to sane limits.  I want that back. But, I let that commitment slip and so I honestly felt the only way to get it back under control was to do this "fast."

I made a list of all the many reasons why spending too much time on Facebook is bad for me, to remind myself I am doing the right thing. Mainly, Facebook was standing in the way of my serenity and connection with God, because all that constant stimulation interrupted my contemplation and sometimes took precedence over my prayer time. 

Day Four

Still won't say I'm loving this, but I'm appreciating it more. What I appreciate most is that after today, most of the week will be over. But, in addition to that, my internal life has more of a "flow" to it. I am calmer and more at peace. My reflections seem to be deepening.

Today is the Feast of the Guardian Angels. Normally, I would be creating a new Facebook cover with angels on it and trying to find controversial discussions about angels, so I could make sure everyone knows that although it is not forbidden to name your guardian angel, it is also not encouraged, according to Vatican documents.

I'm thinking about how much time I spend on Facebook "setting people straight" and being the public authority on all things righteous, good and holy. Goodness, it must be good to be queen... so much so, that it is very good to abdicate the throne. Instead of trying to do great and mighty things in the world through posting about important issues, my inner experience of contemplative life is soaring.

As a result of contemplating today's prayers, mass and readings, I'm feeling closer to my guardian angel than ever before. I've worked out some issues that have been bothering me in prayer. I've been way more creative, because I'm not distracted by things like laughing at animal videos and wanting to see how many people liked my post about ending the satanic mass... AND I'm closer to the end of the tunnel of this long, long week.

Maybe my guardian angel will help me with my Facebook problem.

Day Five

There's just something exciting about rooting out the horrible things in the world, whether they be abortion or satanism, ISIS or poor grammar. There is a sense of strength, as though through a simple click on my computer, I can somehow sway and influence the world. It feels powerful. It feels purposive and meaningful. I'm sure it is, when many of us work together on social media to promote a just solution to these problems.

But, so much of this is just a distraction for me from going within, and I can do a LOT more good in the world by going within to be with God and let Him work on me and develop me into a better servant. Praying is far more productive than "clicking" on Facebook. Indescribably more productive, in fact, since only God can affect change.

I'm starting to get the feeling that when I go back on Facebook, it will not be the same. After seeing the themes I have seen in myself in these few days, I no longer think being on Facebook for large periods of my time is a very useful way to spend my time. Maybe it won't even matter when the "Magic Monday" of October 6 comes for me.

Day Six

Today, I've read through a few news stories, all of which upset me. An author wants to know why the Duchess of Cambridge has been "forced" to go through another pregnancy so soon. As if giving birth to new life is a cruel sentence imposed on us through society. And this is printed in The Guardian. As I read through the comments, I see that what is appallingly obvious to me isn't even considered by anyone. They are all debating whether she is "forced" or not, as if she had been raped or artificially inseminated against her will, as if it was cruel to Kate Middleton for her to give birth to human life when it might be inconvenient to her.

An article also attacked Jessa Duggar for the "incredibly insensitive" comment of comparing abortion to the Holocaust. Almost everyone who is pro-life agrees. The sanctity of human life is ignored in both situations. And yet, of course, Jessa is being shamed. I did send Jessa a tweet to say, "You go, girl," but that wasn't Facebook, so I enjoyed the moment- probably a bit more than I should.

Also, another person, Peter Kassig, is slated to be killed by ISIS, and yet a transgender teen is being "victimized" because he cannot shower in a locker room with young teenage girls. Yes, my blood pressure is rising. But, if anything is predictable about society, it's that society isn't going to go my way. And God is still on His throne. And we know how all this ends.

So, deep breath. This is good. It's easier to pull away and not stay on the topic half an hour, debating until my stress level rises to the moon.

But, my opinions are not likely to become popular, regardless. I need to face this.

Get over it, Laura. Blog, post, let people hate you. It's not your job to change their minds. Go on with your life and do other things. Get off the stupid web. Live.

Day Seven

Even though I'm going back to Facebook in the morning, I am not the same person who was on there last week. I think I will be less prone to get back into compulsive-mode again. Well.. I can't promise any of those things.. We'll see how I do!

You know, in the old days, when we wanted to talk about something, we talked about something. To people. With our voices. Sometimes, we looked at them with our eyes and reached out to them with our hands, too.

Making "social media" our main social outlet can lead us to forget what "social" is even supposed to mean. Granted, for those of us with social challenges and anxiety, having a low-stress social outlet is a great blessing, but whenever possible, we should not forget to challenge ourselves in ways that can move us beyond that. Why not call our friends more?

I am Laura Paxton and I am a contemplative, an author, publisher and app developer. Although it is important to stand up for important causes, the less time I spend stressed out and fixated on them, the better. I have better things to do in the world.

But Monday still can't get here fast enough!

Fasting from Facebook: Fruits of Famine

My Facebook Fast:

A Conservative Catholic's Hiatus from Social Media

Day 1: Woke up excited as usual to get on Facebook first thing to see what all my FB friends were doing. Then realized.. ICK.. I can't do that. Fingers still automatically tapped to find it on my phone and my iPad, before I realized I had wisely taken it off. Well, what else will I do? Maybe do my morning prayers first. Okay, good. But, I really, really, really want to do something, anything compulsive on my computer- web searches! That will fill the void. Why can't I stop this? Am I getting nowhere as far as developing self-control?

Um, yeah, well it is still day one. And morning.

Bookmarking articles everywhere I wish I could share but can't. That's funny. That's enlightening. That's amazing. I want to show you! show you! show you, world! Please! Why, oh why God did I decide to go on this Facebook fast? I have such great things to share with the world! And now, they'll never know.

I never realized it was so important for me to keep the world informed of current issues.

Day 2

Isn't that cute, the way my cat woke me up this morning? And I can't tell anyone on FB. Drat! Breakfast looked beautiful too. No one will get to see a photo of my delicious meal. *Sigh!* I was going through the news, and I saw some really ugly churches and compared them to the beautiful ones of yesteryear. And some vestments too. And, I was unable to post that in my liturgical abuses group or ANY of my traditional Catholicism groups. What kind of fun is that?

A combat marine survived a head shot thanks to the intervention of St. Michael. What if nobody posted that? Would the world know about the miracle without my letting them know? And there is another Cardinal with an opinion that goes against what I feel Jesus intended. Where is my group where we can all vent and roll our eyes and finally just pray because we resign ourselves to bemoan how it's not our job to judge that?

Sad and grumpy. Hating it. I'm still finding other compulsive things to do online, like obsessive online searches, which I am feeling powerless to stop. Somehow, I miss the compulsivity outlet served by FB. Took two online quizzes at Psych Central which confirmed, I am a "high intensity user" and "very likely a FB addict." Realized I am a "high intensity everything," and providentially found another intense, yet not addictive thing to do.  Involved moody music and dark art and poetry.

Day Three

This is like being a kid and you're grounded and not being able to talk to  your "fwends." Even if they're virtual and not in person, they are still my friends and I miss them. My life was much more peaceful when I stuck to sane limits.  I want that back. But, I let that commitment slip and so I honestly felt the only way to get it back under control was to do this "fast."

I made a list of all the many reasons why spending too much time on Facebook is bad for me, to remind myself I am doing the right thing. Mainly, Facebook was standing in the way of my serenity and connection with God, because all that constant stimulation interrupted my contemplation and sometimes took precedence over my prayer time. 

Day Four

Still won't say I'm loving this, but I'm appreciating it more. What I appreciate most is that after today, most of the week will be over. But, in addition to that, my internal life has more of a "flow" to it. I am calmer and more at peace. My reflections seem to be deepening.

Today is the Feast of the Guardian Angels. Normally, I would be creating a new Facebook cover with angels on it and trying to find controversial discussions about angels, so I could make sure everyone knows that although it is not forbidden to name your guardian angel, it is also not encouraged, according to Vatican documents.

I'm thinking about how much time I spend on Facebook "setting people straight" and being the public authority on all things righteous, good and holy. Goodness, it must be good to be queen... so much so, that it is very good to abdicate the throne. Instead of trying to do great and mighty things in the world through posting about important issues, my inner experience of contemplative life is soaring.

As a result of contemplating today's prayers, mass and readings, I'm feeling closer to my guardian angel than ever before. I've worked out some issues that have been bothering me in prayer. I've been way more creative, because I'm not distracted by things like laughing at animal videos and wanting to see how many people liked my post about ending the satanic mass... AND I'm closer to the end of the tunnel of this long, long week.

Maybe my guardian angel will help me with my Facebook problem.

Day Five

There's just something exciting about rooting out the horrible things in the world, whether they be abortion or satanism, ISIS or poor grammar. There is a sense of strength, as though through a simple click on my computer, I can somehow sway and influence the world. It feels powerful. It feels purposive and meaningful. I'm sure it is, when many of us work together on social media to promote a just solution to these problems.

But, so much of this is just a distraction for me from going within, and I can do a LOT more good in the world by going within to be with God and let Him work on me and develop me into a better servant. Praying is far more productive than "clicking" on Facebook. Indescribably more productive, in fact, since only God can affect change.

I'm starting to get the feeling that when I go back on Facebook, it will not be the same. After seeing the themes I have seen in myself in these few days, I no longer think being on Facebook for large periods of my time is a very useful way to spend my time. Maybe it won't even matter when the "Magic Monday" of October 6 comes for me.

Day Six

Today, I've read through a few news stories, all of which upset me. An author wants to know why the Duchess of Cambridge has been "forced" to go through another pregnancy so soon. As if giving birth to new life is a cruel sentence imposed on us through society. And this is printed in The Guardian. As I read through the comments, I see that what is appallingly obvious to me isn't even considered by anyone. They are all debating whether she is "forced" or not, as if she had been raped or artificially inseminated against her will, as if it was cruel to Kate Middleton for her to give birth to human life when it might be inconvenient to her.

An article also attacked Jessa Duggar for the "incredibly insensitive" comment of comparing abortion to the Holocaust. Almost everyone who is pro-life agrees. The sanctity of human life is ignored in both situations. And yet, of course, Jessa is being shamed. I did send Jessa a tweet to say, "You go, girl," but that wasn't Facebook, so I enjoyed the moment- probably a bit more than I should.

Also, another person, Peter Kassig, is slated to be killed by ISIS, and yet a transgender teen is being "victimized" because he cannot shower in a locker room with young teenage girls. Yes, my blood pressure is rising. But, if anything is predictable about society, it's that society isn't going to go my way. And God is still on His throne. And we know how all this ends.

So, deep breath. This is good. It's easier to pull away and not stay on the topic half an hour, debating until my stress level rises to the moon.

But, my opinions are not likely to become popular, regardless. I need to face this.

Get over it, Laura. Blog, post, let people hate you. It's not your job to change their minds. Go on with your life and do other things. Get off the stupid web. Live.

Day Seven

Even though I'm going back to Facebook in the morning, I am not the same person who was on there last week. I think I will be less prone to get back into compulsive-mode again. Well.. I can't promise any of those things.. We'll see how I do!

You know, in the old days, when we wanted to talk about something, we talked about something. To people. With our voices. Sometimes, we looked at them with our eyes and reached out to them with our hands, too.

Making "social media" our main social outlet can lead us to forget what "social" is even supposed to mean. Granted, for those of us with social challenges and anxiety, having a low-stress social outlet is a great blessing, but whenever possible, we should not forget to challenge ourselves in ways that can move us beyond that. Why not call our friends more?

I am Laura Paxton and I am a contemplative, an author, publisher and app developer. Although it is important to stand up for important causes, the less time I spend stressed out and fixated on them, the better. I have better things to do in the world.

But Monday still can't get here fast enough!

1 a.m. Prayer for Forgetting

Do you remember a dream
that was not about you?
Did it torment or soothe you 

or did neither one matter,
not thinking of you?

What did you see?
What did you hear?

Where were you,
or, did you wonder that?

Was it surreal 
or so real that you froze there?

Did you try to remember
yourself,
but could not?

Tell me,
If you have been there,
please, 

for I can't remember
not remembering me.

I implore you,
Teach me the way.

-Laura Marie Paxton,
09/17/14, 1 a.m.

Help Me Serve You, Lord

Help me serve you Lord, for I am too accustomed to serving mainly myself.

Help me serve you, Lord, with  all my heart and all my mind, for I am too used to the distraction of my selfish interests.

Help me serve you, Lord, for my salvation lies only in your service. To desire and to pursue becoming a master of others, a hero or a show-off is to choose the path taken by the evil one. 

Help me serve you, Lord, for only you can save us, have saved us, and will always save us. I know the path of self-glorification best and I don't have much experience with following your path. 

Help me serve you, Lord, for all you've ever done is serve us, while I complain and am ungrateful, as if you owe me something.

Help me serve you Lord, for you created a beautiful world. We were selfish and ungrateful, so you took on flesh and sacrificed that flesh to show us how there is no greater love than to seek to do your will through service. I am caught up in myself and I actually ignore how you gave me your all.

Help me serve you, Lord, for you are always there to save me, but in my selfish blindness, I demand that others rescue me and do your job as Savior.

Help me serve you, Lord, because all I seem to want to do is prove my worth and importance to you and to others through the "good" and "helpful" things I do.

Help me serve you, Lord, for only you can and have made a worthy sacrifice. Don't accept my gifts when they are tainted by my pride. Please, Lord, don't let me insult you that way.

Help me serve you, Lord. I am no good at this.

Lord, have mercy.

Amen.

Laura Marie Paxton
09/05/14

The 7 Most Mindblowingly Liberating Things I've Learned As A Catholic

I finally figured out what matters.

This is it.

(1) I do not need a happy ending in life. 

The Meaning: Life isn't meant to be a fairy tale. Whether or not we become rich, famous or even comfortable is completely inconsequential. We are Christians. We follow the example of Christ, who died a brutal death. The majority of saints (and people in general) also died in unpleasant ways.

The Freedom: No matter how my life ends, I can die a "happy death," knowing that I am at peace with God. I will know my life has been worth living and my soul belongs to Jesus Christ forever, despite all of my human failings and any regrets.

(2) How I feel about my life doesn't matter. 

The Meaning: Whether I think my life is going well or not is completely inconsequential. How does God view it? And how can I improve my efforts to be of service to God? 

Is God heartless? Does he just not care what I am going through? No. He is compassionate. But when my feelings become more important than following His will, I don't need to pay attention to them and no one who really cares about me should pay attention to them either.

The Freedom: Less time wasted with pointlessly evaluating my life in terms of chemical and hormonal reactions to my environment. So, when I am able to accomplish detaching from my feelings, I have more time to actually live. And when I am able to accomplish actually living, all that time spent living is spent more at peace.

(3) How other people feel about my life doesn't matter either. 

 The Meaning: Whether people agree with what I believe and do is irrelevant because what God wants is important and not what they want. 

 The Freedom: I know what God wants is what's best for me. Unless someone is there to guide me towards discovering God's will, I do not need their opinion. So, if people want to insist that I accept moral relativism or reincarnation or abortion, they are not able to influence me at all. I am secure  in my convictions because I have strong roots in my desire to please Him. 

(4) Even if I became a god or goddess, it wouldn't matter. 

The Meaning: Having "personal power," or realizing the greatness in my soul in order to "manifest" whatever "abundance" I believe I deserve is not going to contribute one iota to my happiness or well being. I once believed that detaching myself from judgment, to achieve my desires, was freedom. Now, I see that the desires were the prison, not the judgment.

The Freedom: Who cares who I am? I belong to the infinite Creator of the universe, to all the power there is. To want what He wants is to want the perfect good. As much as I often think I am special or that I need to be special, the truth is that I don't have to be anybody, not anybody at all. Just His!

"Lord, when we ask you for honors, income, money or worldly things, do not hear us."

-St. Teresa of Avila

(5) If I never have sex again, it will not matter.

The Meaning: Sex is not necessary for psychological health.  Saints (those who were Religious or single) lived in deep fulfillment and peace without sex. A confidential survey of priests who have chosen celibacy showed that 90% are "very happy" with their decision. Having sex may be good for relieving stress, reducing blood pressure and it may have other health benefits, but not not having sex is not a proven physical or psychological health deterrent.

The Freedom: One less thing to focus on, feel driven by or worry about. One less empty thing to turn to as a potential "fix" for a lack of fulfillment in life. Less drama. Freedom from the hormones and intense drives and attachments of sex-based relationships. More complex and interesting aspects of myself and others to focus on. Far greater peace of mind. Me= Four years chaste. Loving it.

(6) One thing DOES matter:
Absolute truth is the only truth there is. 

The Meaning: If everything is equally true, then nothing is true. Truth has no meaning then.

The Freedom: I don't need to seek anymore. I have the True Faith. Yes, other religions contain some truth, but I have the full truth. I don't need to justify it, explain it, or convince anyone else. Remember, after all, I don't care how anyone else feels about it. I only need to live it, with deep gratitude.

(7) Never stop asking- "How Could I Do Better?" 

 The Meaning: It doesn't matter what horrible challenges life throws at me- Those are not excuses to wallow in self-pity or to justify selfishness. Nothing but doing my best is relevant.

The Freedom: This is the annoying part, the part that often does not feel freeing. Fortunately for me, (whenever I am able to remember it), I know that it does not matter how I feel. Yet, if I do not push forward, I am doomed to slide backward.  And truthfully, learning to live a Christian life is hard work. Yet, each time I free myself more from an over-attachment to a person, place or thing, it is worth it. Each moment I am not robotically controlled by my emotions and desires, I am freer.

Before my conversion, near the beginning of the RCIA program, our class discussed the goal of the Catholic Church. We were told that the goal is to help each Christian develop a more mature relationship with Jesus Christ. 

So, I said, "Wow. What would that look like?" The answer, from our teacher, Marybeth, was "saints." I was a little jarred, since I'd imagined that people who just believed and did what they were told could not be very mature.. but it's not WHAT you learn as much as HOW you learn that changes you, forms and matures you. Like everything else in the Church, it is paradox. 

Now that I understand what matters, I will spend the rest of my life working toward actually doing what counts. 

Every day, it seems I see how much worse I am at doing that. But, that's just how I feel, and that... 

doesn't matter.