Network Breakdown

The wires aren't connected
the signals won't move.
And he sits there, many worlds away.
His voice is there, so sweet, so dear..
but he and I aren't connecting here.

Since not with him,

not with anyone.
They all are all so far away.

Just need a connection..
a connection.. connection.. please..
any.. I reach... hand is slapped or pushed back.
Too much trying.. wrong way trying..
Afraid. Hide inside. 

Do they wish I would disappear?
They all turn back in scorn,
ones I love, ones I admire,
even the ones who used to look me in the eye and
just talk about the weather..
They talk about snow while I talk about rain. 

My reflections in the mirror blur.
My echoes come back in someone else's voice.

One by one, the synapses break,
in his mind,
in our minds
I will never meet the Dad I knew
again in this life.

It's not you.
It's not me.
It's everywhere I go.
It's everywhere I turn.
It's everyone I meet
and everyone I know

No matter how much I've known them
they all go further away-
friend, acquaintance, confidant,
all the synapses break
between us all
shatter and snap
just as his break.

Am I losing them all?
All at once?

He matters, so much,
They matter, so much
but
I don't matter.
I don't matter.

Because
I can't connect, connect, connect..
Just like he can't, he can't, he can't.

The whole world has become him
and I have become him.

Weakness is a crime
So, just like him,
take the key and
leave me in this cell,
in my shell
where the lonely wind cries
and my heart dies again and again and again.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton, 03/05/15