RSVP to the evil one

Why do I fight you?
and why do you scare me?

You try to convince me I've done something horrible,
ruined something precious, destroyed something vital,
made people hate me and caused the people I respect most to not care about me.
You are the accuser- accusing me of your own sly crimes.

It's not okay to give you any power
any attention, any emotion, any serious thought.

God is stronger than you,
and I can tell you, "No."

When I fail, it's because I'm ashamed to admit
you're getting the upper hand,
but if I don't, no one can know to help me fight.

Fear of the Lord is a healthy respect, a secure defense.
Pride is a toxin, slowly ravaging souls.
You want to keep tempting me to drink that pride,
like a sedative, to calm your attacks.

You work to scare me that life will disappoint
and will hurt me every time.
Fear of being hurt is the most stupid fear there is.
Hurt can't harm like losing my soul.
And you can harm me without hurting at all,
with the opiate of your empty promises.

Why do you terrify me that people don't love me?
Screaming those lies at me, night and day.
And that I am a bad person for caring at all.
You serve me self-pity and drama as food,
when I have the bread of eternal life.
Why, you fool, do you even try?

Since all you know to talk about is I, I, I and
me, me, me--
The only way to shut you up is not to think about myself at all.
You don't know me anyway.
The only "me" you know is the
prey you want to capture
in your quagmire of eternal pain.

I will drown you in your useless tears,
Lock you in a cell to shut out futile cries,
Your impotent lies. 

Hell. That's right. Just go there,
Now.
Suffer by yourself.
I won't be joining you.

-Laura Marie Teresa Paxton
06/11/2015

Only A Soul

I gave you my soul

for eternity.

You accepted 

that forever bond.

You are a vampire

you told me that night;

and we are the antichrist

you told her that day.

Each Easter, we ate and drank

communion offered

to ourselves, as the gods.

Find God in you

in the mirror, you said,

hours, days, months and years

believing and hoping

I'd find her there,

But, all I could see

were my vacuous eyes.

The eyes you photographed,

saying they looked up to see

you, infinity itself. 

I gave you my trust,

loyalty, devotion

and faith

So, if you happened

to notice this girl

dying slowly,

Don't worry.

It's only a soul.

Only a soul,

sacrificed for you

for your comfort,

for your wealth,

for your pleasure.

Am I being selfish,

you asked me that night.

You are enlightened

and can't be, of course.

One day, you released me,

but kept that bond.

And it weighed me down

like a ball and chain.

I'm not a victim

Victimhood is not allowed.

But for every dollar you make,

For each admiring face, 

for every blissful, tearful eye,

Remember,

Don't worry,

It's only a soul.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton,
03/12/15

Article I wrote for "The Fountain" Magazine, the Graduation/Ordination edition for St. Paul's National Major Seminary

Globally, Our Catholic priests are the leaders of all those things in life that make life matter. A priest infuses a community with purpose and meaning, brings people closer together in relationship to each other and to Jesus Christ, our Lord. A priest is a facilitator for the deepest encounters we human beings can have with our holy, mighty and infinite God.

He feeds us with the body, blood, soul and divinity of our Savior, allowing the Word the universe was created through to become one with who we are. He helps clean us from the dirt of our sin, heal us from the effects of our sin and He reunites us with God, with each other and with our Mother Church. 

These actions the priest takes secure the lives of our soul for eternity. Jesus Christ is active in the life of his children more through the priest than any other human beings. He calls our priests and chooses them to bring us, His flock, more in union with Himself. While being a priest is the most important job a man can have, a priest must realize the person he once was isn't needed anymore. He must decrease so that Jesus can increase, so to be a priest is actually, paradoxically, the most humbling job a man can have.

In today's world, issues of “spiritual warfare” are more important than those affecting physical welfare or survival of God's people on Earth. What good is it to live in an economically advantaged area if more souls are being lost? A quality life is made up of our connections and relationships, our families and our faith. 

Uganda is also one of the poorest nations in the world. For a young man to grow up in a region riddled with deadly diseases eradicated in other areas of the world, with lack of medical care, unsafe water, and difficulty accessing quality education, graduating seminary to become a priest is a profound accomplishment. 

Uganda is also one of the richest nation in the world spiritually. Uganda, a country about the size of the United States state of Arizona, has produced twenty-four saints. 42% of Ugandans are Catholic, whereas only about 22% of Americans are. Over the past few months, I have shared many conversations with seminarians who are more peaceful and joyous than Americans I know here in America. They write to me about the love in their communities, villages and at seminary. I've learned how people see themselves as being part of a team, or a larger whole, with a sense of belonging and purpose in the lives of all. 

In a country like America, we are connected well technologically, but we have forgotten how to be a part of a real community. It is easy to see ourselves as isolated individuals, to feel disconnected and alone. More economically “successful” countries have become morally bankrupt, but from what I have experienced through getting to know several seminarians, Uganda is rich in happiness, spirit and soul and has far more to offer the world than people realize.

I'm a convert. I tried every “spiritual path” considered “cool” by secular culture until I was left miserable, empty and in despair. So almost every day, I feel a profound sense of gratitude for all the Church has given me- and that would be, everything important to me and my soul, now and forever. 

I am deeply grateful for the priests (in America and elsewhere) who have helped bring me nearer in my relationship to God. Who they have been is not as important as who they have led me to love- Christ, all holy, great and infinite and without whom we have no life, here or in the world to come. I am very grateful for the many seminarians in Uganda I have come to know and love- not only as scholars but as soul mates in our journey together towards God. You are my family. I desire to serve the Lord as much as I possibly can, because of the inspiration you offer me. When my life gets “tough” by “first world” standards, I only need to remember what a day in your life is like to let my complaining go. No matter how many material comforts I may accumulate, I am usually still not as happy as you! 

I want to say thank you to you, the seminarians in my life who keep me going on difficult days. You send me Bible verses. You give me your prayers. You encourage me. You brighten my days. Some of you have had masses said for me and my family. When my spirits start to droop, you lift them back up. You are my "dream team" of friends and I love you all very much. I'm beginning to wonder what I did without you and you know, I am your greatest fan. So, if anyone thinks I am trying to help the poor, pathetic people of Africa, you couldn't be more wrong. You are brilliant. You are deserving. You have worked harder than most of us have had to work for anything in our lives and you dedicate it all to God. I want to honor some of you by at least listing your names- Godwin, Jimmy M, Jimmy L, Okodi, Leonary, Salvin and Deacon Mathias. (These are men from several different seminarians I have come to know.) I love you all dearly. I pray for you all day long.

Seminarians of Uganda, thank you for all the joy you have given my heart. I love you and celebrate this occasion of your ordination with great enthusiasm and respect. Thank you. You are truly my heroes.

Laura Paxton, M.A., OCDS,
President, Carmel Heart Media