Seven Last Words

 "Even now, says the LORD, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning" began today's scripture reading from Joel 2:12. Last year at this time, my return to God was dramatic and profound. This year, I find myself going, "Oh, not that again!" The truth is that none of us, many saints included, have been able to turn to God with their whole heart in any given moment of time.

To love God with all our heart, soul and mind is a goal that should direct all our actions, but while our minds are distracted by putting other things first, we cannot offer God the sacrifice of our entire selves. So, that's why we have lent. It's to deny ourselves to purify out hearts so that we remember to love God before our many silly other loves, whether they be chocolate, wii or reality television.

I must confess I really don't like lent. It seems a long, dreary season that tends to pull on my emotions in "heavy" ways. I feel compelled to push myself further in sacrifice to remind myself that God is more important than anything else I could dream of giving up. It's not fun. And midway through, I want it to be over. I'm not a naturally very disciplined person and I get annoyed fairly easily when things aren't going my own way.

As I was writing in my previous blog, at this time last year, I made my first confession, by appointment. At the end of my twenty-five minute "ordeal," the priest gave me a little booklet. For my penance, he told me to go to the adoration chapel and read only one page. The booklet is called, "Seven Last Words," and it was written in 1958. As I left the confessional, I really felt light, like I was floating. I was having the oddest experience. For some reason, my psyche was just feeling so cleaned out, I felt close to God in a way I never had before. So, when I got to the adoration chapel, I was already weeping tears of joy when  I opened the little booklet and started to read, "the First Word." The first word is, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) (Catholics call the seven last sentences of Jesus the seven last words. I still do not really know why.)

I also still do not know why he wanted me to read that page in particular. It didn't matter though. I read the whole book, slowly, meditatively. I had just finished renouncing a life of sin while in confession, and so to read those words started to bond me back to God, like I was re-gluing something broken. And, I read that little book every day for forty days. Some days, I read it several times a day. Every day, I would wake up and want to read that book. Every day before mass, I would sit and read the book. I would take it to the adoration chapel with me. The little booklet became soothing and comforting and it reminded me of the freedom and joy I had experienced after my first confession. I'm free because he loves me. How amazing. Who wouldn't want to read that over and over?

I quit reading the book on Easter of last year, when I was confirmed. And now, I still have that little book and I'm looking forward to reading it again. Just holding the booklet brings back that sweetness. That little book is Jesus. It's the essence of Jesus, the soul of Jesus, in each of those seven last "words."

I would never have appreciated the seven last words of Jesus if they were given to me under any other circumstances.  But, because they were there to comfort and reassure me during such a vulnerable time, they became precious beyond measure. And, that's what Jesus would want. For me, those were the seven "first words" of my new life.

Yes, I want to love God more and more. That involves carefully looking at what is standing in the way between me and God and clearing it out. Lent is the gift God gives us to help us grow closer to Jesus. I pray that I will grow more receptive to that gift and see that gift as more important than any other thing I could possibly give up.

Growing up: It's Not About What I Want

Sometimes, I feel blocked in my prayer life. I spend a lot of time analyzing why I might be blocked, examining my conscience over and over, looking at my motives and trying to sort out what might be a sin. I've learned now just to take notes. I have a journal with a section for daily musings and a separate section for examination of conscience. I keep them separate so that I have a more focused, clear intention when I do my evening "examination."

Sometimes, I've used columns, weighing ethics of right and wrong, but I'm still focused on sorting it out. It's not like journaling about what a nice lunch I had with a friend. Even everyday notes like that can give me a great sense of patterns and progress in my life, but I write in the "journal" section for expression and the "examination" section for discernment. 

This process is really tough for me. Part of the reason it's tough is my autism. Ambiguity and shades of grey are not very easy for me to wade through. Part of the problem is that like every sinner, the voice of what I want to do is louder than the whisper of what is the right thing to do. There are people who have actually made a religion out of listening to the loud voice of what they want and drowning out their annoying conscience. Thankfully, that didn't work for me too well, but the vestiges of that sort of thinking can trip me up if I'm not careful.

While I used to panic about doing the wrong thing, I've learned to go about this process calmly. One of our Carmelite priests, Father Jan (now in Uganda), told me that God has an interesting way of working in our lives. He only shows us one thing at a time, and it's what's right in front of us. So, when we're wondering what to do, look to the present moment and to what God is saying here and now. That type of thinking has calmed me down when I've felt the frantic need to figure things out. Father Jan is also the one who helped me figure out a system of note taking and analysis, so I could look at it like a scientist and see patterns over time.

Why bother with all this? The old me did examinations of my life to see where I was holding myself  back from getting what I wanted in life, whether that be material wealth, fame, love or luxury. I would try to eliminate traces of guilt, fear and shame in order to pursue my goals with greater success.

The new me says, "Who cares?" God is SO much greater than my petty little desires and concerns. Although God ultimately wants us to experience His peace and joy, for us to come to Him solely to seek consolation is nothing more than using Him and treating Him like an object. My goal is to have a real relationship, really give and take with God. Sorry if it sounds crude, but it's not "do me, do me," anymore. Every time I meditate on the life of Jesus, I'm getting to know Him. I'm not just droning a monologue on and on about myself in prayer. Jesus is God and he is also fully human forever. I know he loves me and all, but even perfect humans get bored!

When I was in RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults,) on my way to becoming Catholic, we learned in class that the purpose of Catholicism is to have a mature relationship with Jesus Christ. At first, I was surprised. I had grown up being told that Catholics didn't think for themselves and were childlike in spirituality. I learned that nothing is further from the truth. Father Bryce, one of our parish priests, taught us that it's not that Catholics don't think FOR ourselves; We just don't think BY ourselves. We think WITH theological giants through 2000 years of combined experience and councils.

More importantly, whose spirituality is more mature than that of the saints? In RCIA, I asked, "What does a mature relationship with Christ look like?" Well, we have thousands of examples throughout history of what that looks like. Various, diverse, creative manifestations of God through amazing people show us the way to ultimate meaning and truth.

I wish I could tell you why I do what I do and what I hope to gain by it, but I can't. If I could do that, I might as well find a spiritual charlatan who will know how to sell it to me. God gives us unconditional love, but WE can choose to make it conditional by refusing to cooperate with that love. Part of that love is the expectation that I do not just spend my life "manifesting my desires." Instead, I spend my life learning to discern and manifest HIS.

This link goes to a really neat method. A Carmelite nun gives an outline of how to examine conscience through using the Interior Castle of St. Teresa. Truly cool!

The Awesome Sister Carmen Explains All

The Ignatian Examen is a popular method of exploration of conscience. It's good too. 

Ignatian Examination of Conscience