Seven Last Words

 "Even now, says the LORD, return to me with your whole heart, with fasting, and weeping, and mourning" began today's scripture reading from Joel 2:12. Last year at this time, my return to God was dramatic and profound. This year, I find myself going, "Oh, not that again!" The truth is that none of us, many saints included, have been able to turn to God with their whole heart in any given moment of time.

To love God with all our heart, soul and mind is a goal that should direct all our actions, but while our minds are distracted by putting other things first, we cannot offer God the sacrifice of our entire selves. So, that's why we have lent. It's to deny ourselves to purify out hearts so that we remember to love God before our many silly other loves, whether they be chocolate, wii or reality television.

I must confess I really don't like lent. It seems a long, dreary season that tends to pull on my emotions in "heavy" ways. I feel compelled to push myself further in sacrifice to remind myself that God is more important than anything else I could dream of giving up. It's not fun. And midway through, I want it to be over. I'm not a naturally very disciplined person and I get annoyed fairly easily when things aren't going my own way.

As I was writing in my previous blog, at this time last year, I made my first confession, by appointment. At the end of my twenty-five minute "ordeal," the priest gave me a little booklet. For my penance, he told me to go to the adoration chapel and read only one page. The booklet is called, "Seven Last Words," and it was written in 1958. As I left the confessional, I really felt light, like I was floating. I was having the oddest experience. For some reason, my psyche was just feeling so cleaned out, I felt close to God in a way I never had before. So, when I got to the adoration chapel, I was already weeping tears of joy when  I opened the little booklet and started to read, "the First Word." The first word is, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) (Catholics call the seven last sentences of Jesus the seven last words. I still do not really know why.)

I also still do not know why he wanted me to read that page in particular. It didn't matter though. I read the whole book, slowly, meditatively. I had just finished renouncing a life of sin while in confession, and so to read those words started to bond me back to God, like I was re-gluing something broken. And, I read that little book every day for forty days. Some days, I read it several times a day. Every day, I would wake up and want to read that book. Every day before mass, I would sit and read the book. I would take it to the adoration chapel with me. The little booklet became soothing and comforting and it reminded me of the freedom and joy I had experienced after my first confession. I'm free because he loves me. How amazing. Who wouldn't want to read that over and over?

I quit reading the book on Easter of last year, when I was confirmed. And now, I still have that little book and I'm looking forward to reading it again. Just holding the booklet brings back that sweetness. That little book is Jesus. It's the essence of Jesus, the soul of Jesus, in each of those seven last "words."

I would never have appreciated the seven last words of Jesus if they were given to me under any other circumstances.  But, because they were there to comfort and reassure me during such a vulnerable time, they became precious beyond measure. And, that's what Jesus would want. For me, those were the seven "first words" of my new life.

Yes, I want to love God more and more. That involves carefully looking at what is standing in the way between me and God and clearing it out. Lent is the gift God gives us to help us grow closer to Jesus. I pray that I will grow more receptive to that gift and see that gift as more important than any other thing I could possibly give up.

Lent and Last Year's Act of Contrition

Next week begins lent, bringing up a mixture of feelings inside me. Last year during lent, it was the phase of "purification and enlightenment" for those of us joining the Catholic Church at the Easter Vigil. I took it very seriously in that regard. In protestant churches I had been a member of before, lent was a part of our church calendar. We gave something up, like ice cream or whisky or whatever, and waited for Easter. It was just something we did that time of year.

Catholicism, I found, was very different. On Ash Wednesday, we know we are preparing for an important ordeal- oops, I mean undertaking. I had never done the "Stations of the Cross" before, but I did them every Friday throughout lent. I gave up lots of things- diet coke for a day, computer games for a week, not just ice cream, although I did give that up. Holy week was so intense I could do almost nothing but contemplate God. What I did during that time of "purification and enlightenment" set the tone for my entire lifestyle and identity today as a Catholic. My actions helped form a deep resolve and commitment to Christ. With this depth of cleansing, I was more fully prepared for the joy and freedom Easter represents.

I include for you here the act of contrition I wrote myself for my first confession in February of last year. The night before my first confession, I had fitful sleep, kept dreaming about being in purgatory and was repeating the "sinner's prayer," over and over just to try to settle all the disturbance in my mind. But, the product of my anguish was this simple prayer I wrote from the depths of my heart, which I might pray during this lent to remind myself of my original promise to God.

Dearest Jesus, I am overcome with grief for having mistreated the gifts you have given me and for living a life far outside the Divine Order you intended for me. I can hold nothing back from you ever again, but firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to offer you the purest fruits of living that are possible from my heart. Help me love and glorify you in all that I am, say and do. Kindle in me constantly the desire and the hunger for good and the obedience never to question the life and tasks you set before me.

Help me always to follow your path and delight in your will. Please give me the strength to dedicate my life to your glory. Although I will always be an unworthy servant, give me confidence to speak and act as one you love and cherish. Don't let me turn my back on you again, but to be ever loyal. Show me what I must do to set things right and help me have strength and courage to carry that out.

Take me as yours, forever and always,

In your name I pray.

Amen.