Tiny Star

Let me be your little nothing,
whom you love with all your heart.
Let me be your glory's mirror;
may my pride receive no part.

Let me be your emptiness,
to give you room to live.
Let me offer up your majesty;
I have no more to give.

Let me be your tiny star,
obscured by clouds and night.
Only you shall see me there
and keep my flame alight.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton
03/29/2015

Only A Soul

I gave you my soul

for eternity.

You accepted 

that forever bond.

You are a vampire

you told me that night;

and we are the antichrist

you told her that day.

Each Easter, we ate and drank

communion offered

to ourselves, as the gods.

Find God in you

in the mirror, you said,

hours, days, months and years

believing and hoping

I'd find her there,

But, all I could see

were my vacuous eyes.

The eyes you photographed,

saying they looked up to see

you, infinity itself. 

I gave you my trust,

loyalty, devotion

and faith

So, if you happened

to notice this girl

dying slowly,

Don't worry.

It's only a soul.

Only a soul,

sacrificed for you

for your comfort,

for your wealth,

for your pleasure.

Am I being selfish,

you asked me that night.

You are enlightened

and can't be, of course.

One day, you released me,

but kept that bond.

And it weighed me down

like a ball and chain.

I'm not a victim

Victimhood is not allowed.

But for every dollar you make,

For each admiring face, 

for every blissful, tearful eye,

Remember,

Don't worry,

It's only a soul.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton,
03/12/15

Network Breakdown

The wires aren't connected
the signals won't move.
And he sits there, many worlds away.
His voice is there, so sweet, so dear..
but he and I aren't connecting here.

Since not with him,

not with anyone.
They all are all so far away.

Just need a connection..
a connection.. connection.. please..
any.. I reach... hand is slapped or pushed back.
Too much trying.. wrong way trying..
Afraid. Hide inside. 

Do they wish I would disappear?
They all turn back in scorn,
ones I love, ones I admire,
even the ones who used to look me in the eye and
just talk about the weather..
They talk about snow while I talk about rain. 

My reflections in the mirror blur.
My echoes come back in someone else's voice.

One by one, the synapses break,
in his mind,
in our minds
I will never meet the Dad I knew
again in this life.

It's not you.
It's not me.
It's everywhere I go.
It's everywhere I turn.
It's everyone I meet
and everyone I know

No matter how much I've known them
they all go further away-
friend, acquaintance, confidant,
all the synapses break
between us all
shatter and snap
just as his break.

Am I losing them all?
All at once?

He matters, so much,
They matter, so much
but
I don't matter.
I don't matter.

Because
I can't connect, connect, connect..
Just like he can't, he can't, he can't.

The whole world has become him
and I have become him.

Weakness is a crime
So, just like him,
take the key and
leave me in this cell,
in my shell
where the lonely wind cries
and my heart dies again and again and again.

-Laura Marie Hall Paxton, 03/05/15