Advent: Preparation for His Power

Christmas teaches us about the strength and might in gentleness, mercy and innocence.

In preparation, Advent can teach us to cleanse ourselves of attraction to false power, so that we might become receptive to the true power of Christ in our lives.

Jesus Christ has brought the world an unexpected (and before unheard of) type of power. Before his arrival, many of the Jewish people were expecting a ruler of military strength, such as David. Much of our world believes power lies in physical strength, the ability to influence, or even to bully and hurt others, physically and emotionally. 

The attraction to power goes far beyond the obvious example above. Humans forget what's most important. We can become consumed with trying to prove our worth to others and to the world, so we may seem "powerful" in their eyes through our "specialness" or "greatness." 

When we are over-focused on creating the "perfect" Christmas celebration for our families, or on producing the perfect work of art or project at work, we are often led away from our primary goal of living here on earth, which is to love and serve God. We are not called to impress Him or anyone else.

Love and service don't have to be fancy or special, just real, honest, sincere and from our heart.

Just through the "mere" act of being born, Jesus demonstrated for us how to live all eight beatitudes. When the Creator of the universe came to us as a tiny baby, He taught us all we need to know about how to love.

When we look at a painting or icon of the Blessed Virgin Mary holding Jesus, the baby, who is really the focus? Mary is larger and Jesus is smaller, but does that mean Mary is more important? 

No, for Jesus taught us that we are to come to Him as a little child. Jesus never asks us to do anything He did not do first. Jesus comes to us in a tiny, vulnerable human form, held lovingly by his mother, who serves Him with her care. 

It is in the image of Madonna and Child that we see true majesty and might of Christ. Within that tiny baby is contained all the strength and power in the universe. He doesn't want to force us to love Him, but beckons us through the sheer power of His love to open our hearts and souls to Him. 

Jesus came to us in a dirty stable, a place we where we would probably be ashamed for anyone to visit us. Jesus still wants to meet us there, in those dirty, shameful, hidden places of our souls. And he meets us there with the purest, humblest and most precious love there is. 

During advent, as we prepare for Christmas, let us prepare our hearts and souls to receive the strength of the peace of Christ. Let that purification time center around letting go of false ideas of what makes us and others strong. Let us give ourselves to Him with greater humility, purity and simplicity, as He first gave himself to us. 

"O Blessed Jesus,

Give me stillness of soul in you.

Let your mighty calmness reign in me.

Rule me, O King of Gentleness,

King of Peace."

-St. John of the Cross

Why I Cope with Life Better Today

I do not know how I would cope with my life if I were not Catholic. I can easily tell you that I would not cope well. Years of living beforehand would bear that out. 

Here are some differences in how I get through tough times today vs. during my "heretical" years. 

(1) My emotions do not control my decisions as much.

Free will has to do with making decisions without being driven by emotions. I am making more solid, logical and clear choices now than I ever have before. During my "heretical years," I believed that free will had to do with extricating myself from the oppression of moral obligations in order to be free to follow my feelings. How did that work out for me? Hmm.. I'm writing this... so...

(2) I take care to have selfless motives. 

When I pursue being of the greatest service to God above the motives for comfort, public opinion or material things, each decision I make has meaning. When I work to make my life a gift to God rather than a gift to myself, I do not have time to immerse myself in self-pity or resentment.

Good feelings and material things will all pass away. Peace in my heart, mind and soul will never be possible if I waste any time trying to chase any other goal than to serve God. 

(3) Suffering can help me.

A central focus of our faith is how suffering in life can help us. No moment of suffering need ever be wasted. We would all agree that an athlete preparing for competition puts herself through a lot of pain and personal sacrifice towards achieving her goal. A person preparing himself for holiness, in order to prepare for the life beyond, will need to make similar sacrifices and endure pain as a part of developing character. 

When I suffer, I can lift that suffering up to God as a sacrifice for the good of another. I can also use that suffering as an opportunity to surrender my human will to God's will, as Jesus did. I can experience a bond between me and Jesus as I willingly embrace suffering. 

The Catholic practice of penance is also a way to use suffering as an advantage. The evil one believes he can control us with the fear of suffering and death. When we willingly choose suffering, we baffle him. That is why the Passion and Cross of our Lord is the most powerful antidote to evil. 

(4) Comfort? Why?

Many people turn to religion as a comfort when life is painful and challenging, but if I use prayer primarily to make myself feel better, I am using God and not serving God. God's purpose is not to help us feel good, but to BE good- the salt and light of the earth. Although often prayer can be comforting, I do not have to be a slave to comfort when I choose to follow God. Peace is far better than comfort. 

God- Why We Need To Talk

I was at a retreat last year where our retreat master said to us, “You will never make time for prayer until you realize prayer is the most important thing you can do.”

There are many days when I think the most important thing I can do is earning a living, or to have fun playing a computer game or to organize my closet, and yes, there are times when these are important things for us to do. But, prayer actually is the most important thing we can do every day.

Why is prayer the most important thing we can do? Well, for one thing, we are utterly dependent on God for everything, from the air we breathe to whether our hearts beat or not.

Prayer acknowledges that we are unable to do anything at all, much less anything important, without God.

And why is that helpful to know? Because God does listen. He does answer our prayers and he is capable of doing anything. Nothing is impossible for God.

My relationship to prayer has changed. For six years, I prayed selfish prayers. I prayed for my continual happiness, good fortune, fame and success in every endeavor to impress others. I learned to cultivate “feel good” during prayer time, by focusing on the vague idea of what love “feels” like.

I was surprised to learn later that love is not a feeling. I was also surprised to learn that in relationship with God, as in any relationship, it isn't very loving to “use” our friends. Sometimes in life, it can seem that God is supposed to be our “prosperity dispenser,” but that is not His function in our lives.

As my relationship to prayer has changed, my relationship to God has changed. It's been significant for me to begin to know the person, Jesus. Jesus is God in a relatable form. I never used to pray to Jesus, only to the Father. But, since Jesus is my friend now, I want to learn all about his life and about who He is. So, my relationship with Jesus has become a more mature and healthy one now.

When I pray to God, I know God is there. I feel Him there, but that's not how I know He's there. Jesus, like “love” is not a feeling. He's Truth itself in human form. Truth can feel all sorts of ways or no way at all. And prayer is not always my “fun time” anymore. I often don't look forward to it.

In addition to the Liturgy of the Hours and daily mass, Secular Carmelites are supposed to do a minimum of thirty minutes of silent prayer a day. And when you think about it, since the Carmelite charism is prayer and prayer is our true vocation in Carmel, thirty minutes is not much time. Yet, in our busy lives in the world, everyone struggles at times to integrate even that minimum routine. This is my third year into practicing this way of life and I still have some really erratic times.

I can tell you why. It's always pride. It's always that I forget I need him for everything there is and that is why prayer is the most important thing I can do. Our relationship with God is definitely that-- a relationship with a Person. Like any relationship, we need to put the time and effort into keeping it alive and growing.

During good times and bad, we need to talk.  

Fasting from Facebook: Fruits of Famine

My Facebook Fast:

A Conservative Catholic's Hiatus from Social Media

Day 1: Woke up excited as usual to get on Facebook first thing to see what all my FB friends were doing. Then realized.. ICK.. I can't do that. Fingers still automatically tapped to find it on my phone and my iPad, before I realized I had wisely taken it off. Well, what else will I do? Maybe do my morning prayers first. Okay, good. But, I really, really, really want to do something, anything compulsive on my computer- web searches! That will fill the void. Why can't I stop this? Am I getting nowhere as far as developing self-control?

Um, yeah, well it is still day one. And morning.

Bookmarking articles everywhere I wish I could share but can't. That's funny. That's enlightening. That's amazing. I want to show you! show you! show you, world! Please! Why, oh why God did I decide to go on this Facebook fast? I have such great things to share with the world! And now, they'll never know.

I never realized it was so important for me to keep the world informed of current issues.

Day 2

Isn't that cute, the way my cat woke me up this morning? And I can't tell anyone on FB. Drat! Breakfast looked beautiful too. No one will get to see a photo of my delicious meal. *Sigh!* I was going through the news, and I saw some really ugly churches and compared them to the beautiful ones of yesteryear. And some vestments too. And, I was unable to post that in my liturgical abuses group or ANY of my traditional Catholicism groups. What kind of fun is that?

A combat marine survived a head shot thanks to the intervention of St. Michael. What if nobody posted that? Would the world know about the miracle without my letting them know? And there is another Cardinal with an opinion that goes against what I feel Jesus intended. Where is my group where we can all vent and roll our eyes and finally just pray because we resign ourselves to bemoan how it's not our job to judge that?

Sad and grumpy. Hating it. I'm still finding other compulsive things to do online, like obsessive online searches, which I am feeling powerless to stop. Somehow, I miss the compulsivity outlet served by FB. Took two online quizzes at Psych Central which confirmed, I am a "high intensity user" and "very likely a FB addict." Realized I am a "high intensity everything," and providentially found another intense, yet not addictive thing to do.  Involved moody music and dark art and poetry.

Day Three

This is like being a kid and you're grounded and not being able to talk to  your "fwends." Even if they're virtual and not in person, they are still my friends and I miss them. My life was much more peaceful when I stuck to sane limits.  I want that back. But, I let that commitment slip and so I honestly felt the only way to get it back under control was to do this "fast."

I made a list of all the many reasons why spending too much time on Facebook is bad for me, to remind myself I am doing the right thing. Mainly, Facebook was standing in the way of my serenity and connection with God, because all that constant stimulation interrupted my contemplation and sometimes took precedence over my prayer time. 

Day Four

Still won't say I'm loving this, but I'm appreciating it more. What I appreciate most is that after today, most of the week will be over. But, in addition to that, my internal life has more of a "flow" to it. I am calmer and more at peace. My reflections seem to be deepening.

Today is the Feast of the Guardian Angels. Normally, I would be creating a new Facebook cover with angels on it and trying to find controversial discussions about angels, so I could make sure everyone knows that although it is not forbidden to name your guardian angel, it is also not encouraged, according to Vatican documents.

I'm thinking about how much time I spend on Facebook "setting people straight" and being the public authority on all things righteous, good and holy. Goodness, it must be good to be queen... so much so, that it is very good to abdicate the throne. Instead of trying to do great and mighty things in the world through posting about important issues, my inner experience of contemplative life is soaring.

As a result of contemplating today's prayers, mass and readings, I'm feeling closer to my guardian angel than ever before. I've worked out some issues that have been bothering me in prayer. I've been way more creative, because I'm not distracted by things like laughing at animal videos and wanting to see how many people liked my post about ending the satanic mass... AND I'm closer to the end of the tunnel of this long, long week.

Maybe my guardian angel will help me with my Facebook problem.

Day Five

There's just something exciting about rooting out the horrible things in the world, whether they be abortion or satanism, ISIS or poor grammar. There is a sense of strength, as though through a simple click on my computer, I can somehow sway and influence the world. It feels powerful. It feels purposive and meaningful. I'm sure it is, when many of us work together on social media to promote a just solution to these problems.

But, so much of this is just a distraction for me from going within, and I can do a LOT more good in the world by going within to be with God and let Him work on me and develop me into a better servant. Praying is far more productive than "clicking" on Facebook. Indescribably more productive, in fact, since only God can affect change.

I'm starting to get the feeling that when I go back on Facebook, it will not be the same. After seeing the themes I have seen in myself in these few days, I no longer think being on Facebook for large periods of my time is a very useful way to spend my time. Maybe it won't even matter when the "Magic Monday" of October 6 comes for me.

Day Six

Today, I've read through a few news stories, all of which upset me. An author wants to know why the Duchess of Cambridge has been "forced" to go through another pregnancy so soon. As if giving birth to new life is a cruel sentence imposed on us through society. And this is printed in The Guardian. As I read through the comments, I see that what is appallingly obvious to me isn't even considered by anyone. They are all debating whether she is "forced" or not, as if she had been raped or artificially inseminated against her will, as if it was cruel to Kate Middleton for her to give birth to human life when it might be inconvenient to her.

An article also attacked Jessa Duggar for the "incredibly insensitive" comment of comparing abortion to the Holocaust. Almost everyone who is pro-life agrees. The sanctity of human life is ignored in both situations. And yet, of course, Jessa is being shamed. I did send Jessa a tweet to say, "You go, girl," but that wasn't Facebook, so I enjoyed the moment- probably a bit more than I should.

Also, another person, Peter Kassig, is slated to be killed by ISIS, and yet a transgender teen is being "victimized" because he cannot shower in a locker room with young teenage girls. Yes, my blood pressure is rising. But, if anything is predictable about society, it's that society isn't going to go my way. And God is still on His throne. And we know how all this ends.

So, deep breath. This is good. It's easier to pull away and not stay on the topic half an hour, debating until my stress level rises to the moon.

But, my opinions are not likely to become popular, regardless. I need to face this.

Get over it, Laura. Blog, post, let people hate you. It's not your job to change their minds. Go on with your life and do other things. Get off the stupid web. Live.

Day Seven

Even though I'm going back to Facebook in the morning, I am not the same person who was on there last week. I think I will be less prone to get back into compulsive-mode again. Well.. I can't promise any of those things.. We'll see how I do!

You know, in the old days, when we wanted to talk about something, we talked about something. To people. With our voices. Sometimes, we looked at them with our eyes and reached out to them with our hands, too.

Making "social media" our main social outlet can lead us to forget what "social" is even supposed to mean. Granted, for those of us with social challenges and anxiety, having a low-stress social outlet is a great blessing, but whenever possible, we should not forget to challenge ourselves in ways that can move us beyond that. Why not call our friends more?

I am Laura Paxton and I am a contemplative, an author, publisher and app developer. Although it is important to stand up for important causes, the less time I spend stressed out and fixated on them, the better. I have better things to do in the world.

But Monday still can't get here fast enough!

Fasting from Facebook: Fruits of Famine

My Facebook Fast:

A Conservative Catholic's Hiatus from Social Media

Day 1: Woke up excited as usual to get on Facebook first thing to see what all my FB friends were doing. Then realized.. ICK.. I can't do that. Fingers still automatically tapped to find it on my phone and my iPad, before I realized I had wisely taken it off. Well, what else will I do? Maybe do my morning prayers first. Okay, good. But, I really, really, really want to do something, anything compulsive on my computer- web searches! That will fill the void. Why can't I stop this? Am I getting nowhere as far as developing self-control?

Um, yeah, well it is still day one. And morning.

Bookmarking articles everywhere I wish I could share but can't. That's funny. That's enlightening. That's amazing. I want to show you! show you! show you, world! Please! Why, oh why God did I decide to go on this Facebook fast? I have such great things to share with the world! And now, they'll never know.

I never realized it was so important for me to keep the world informed of current issues.

Day 2

Isn't that cute, the way my cat woke me up this morning? And I can't tell anyone on FB. Drat! Breakfast looked beautiful too. No one will get to see a photo of my delicious meal. *Sigh!* I was going through the news, and I saw some really ugly churches and compared them to the beautiful ones of yesteryear. And some vestments too. And, I was unable to post that in my liturgical abuses group or ANY of my traditional Catholicism groups. What kind of fun is that?

A combat marine survived a head shot thanks to the intervention of St. Michael. What if nobody posted that? Would the world know about the miracle without my letting them know? And there is another Cardinal with an opinion that goes against what I feel Jesus intended. Where is my group where we can all vent and roll our eyes and finally just pray because we resign ourselves to bemoan how it's not our job to judge that?

Sad and grumpy. Hating it. I'm still finding other compulsive things to do online, like obsessive online searches, which I am feeling powerless to stop. Somehow, I miss the compulsivity outlet served by FB. Took two online quizzes at Psych Central which confirmed, I am a "high intensity user" and "very likely a FB addict." Realized I am a "high intensity everything," and providentially found another intense, yet not addictive thing to do.  Involved moody music and dark art and poetry.

Day Three

This is like being a kid and you're grounded and not being able to talk to  your "fwends." Even if they're virtual and not in person, they are still my friends and I miss them. My life was much more peaceful when I stuck to sane limits.  I want that back. But, I let that commitment slip and so I honestly felt the only way to get it back under control was to do this "fast."

I made a list of all the many reasons why spending too much time on Facebook is bad for me, to remind myself I am doing the right thing. Mainly, Facebook was standing in the way of my serenity and connection with God, because all that constant stimulation interrupted my contemplation and sometimes took precedence over my prayer time. 

Day Four

Still won't say I'm loving this, but I'm appreciating it more. What I appreciate most is that after today, most of the week will be over. But, in addition to that, my internal life has more of a "flow" to it. I am calmer and more at peace. My reflections seem to be deepening.

Today is the Feast of the Guardian Angels. Normally, I would be creating a new Facebook cover with angels on it and trying to find controversial discussions about angels, so I could make sure everyone knows that although it is not forbidden to name your guardian angel, it is also not encouraged, according to Vatican documents.

I'm thinking about how much time I spend on Facebook "setting people straight" and being the public authority on all things righteous, good and holy. Goodness, it must be good to be queen... so much so, that it is very good to abdicate the throne. Instead of trying to do great and mighty things in the world through posting about important issues, my inner experience of contemplative life is soaring.

As a result of contemplating today's prayers, mass and readings, I'm feeling closer to my guardian angel than ever before. I've worked out some issues that have been bothering me in prayer. I've been way more creative, because I'm not distracted by things like laughing at animal videos and wanting to see how many people liked my post about ending the satanic mass... AND I'm closer to the end of the tunnel of this long, long week.

Maybe my guardian angel will help me with my Facebook problem.

Day Five

There's just something exciting about rooting out the horrible things in the world, whether they be abortion or satanism, ISIS or poor grammar. There is a sense of strength, as though through a simple click on my computer, I can somehow sway and influence the world. It feels powerful. It feels purposive and meaningful. I'm sure it is, when many of us work together on social media to promote a just solution to these problems.

But, so much of this is just a distraction for me from going within, and I can do a LOT more good in the world by going within to be with God and let Him work on me and develop me into a better servant. Praying is far more productive than "clicking" on Facebook. Indescribably more productive, in fact, since only God can affect change.

I'm starting to get the feeling that when I go back on Facebook, it will not be the same. After seeing the themes I have seen in myself in these few days, I no longer think being on Facebook for large periods of my time is a very useful way to spend my time. Maybe it won't even matter when the "Magic Monday" of October 6 comes for me.

Day Six

Today, I've read through a few news stories, all of which upset me. An author wants to know why the Duchess of Cambridge has been "forced" to go through another pregnancy so soon. As if giving birth to new life is a cruel sentence imposed on us through society. And this is printed in The Guardian. As I read through the comments, I see that what is appallingly obvious to me isn't even considered by anyone. They are all debating whether she is "forced" or not, as if she had been raped or artificially inseminated against her will, as if it was cruel to Kate Middleton for her to give birth to human life when it might be inconvenient to her.

An article also attacked Jessa Duggar for the "incredibly insensitive" comment of comparing abortion to the Holocaust. Almost everyone who is pro-life agrees. The sanctity of human life is ignored in both situations. And yet, of course, Jessa is being shamed. I did send Jessa a tweet to say, "You go, girl," but that wasn't Facebook, so I enjoyed the moment- probably a bit more than I should.

Also, another person, Peter Kassig, is slated to be killed by ISIS, and yet a transgender teen is being "victimized" because he cannot shower in a locker room with young teenage girls. Yes, my blood pressure is rising. But, if anything is predictable about society, it's that society isn't going to go my way. And God is still on His throne. And we know how all this ends.

So, deep breath. This is good. It's easier to pull away and not stay on the topic half an hour, debating until my stress level rises to the moon.

But, my opinions are not likely to become popular, regardless. I need to face this.

Get over it, Laura. Blog, post, let people hate you. It's not your job to change their minds. Go on with your life and do other things. Get off the stupid web. Live.

Day Seven

Even though I'm going back to Facebook in the morning, I am not the same person who was on there last week. I think I will be less prone to get back into compulsive-mode again. Well.. I can't promise any of those things.. We'll see how I do!

You know, in the old days, when we wanted to talk about something, we talked about something. To people. With our voices. Sometimes, we looked at them with our eyes and reached out to them with our hands, too.

Making "social media" our main social outlet can lead us to forget what "social" is even supposed to mean. Granted, for those of us with social challenges and anxiety, having a low-stress social outlet is a great blessing, but whenever possible, we should not forget to challenge ourselves in ways that can move us beyond that. Why not call our friends more?

I am Laura Paxton and I am a contemplative, an author, publisher and app developer. Although it is important to stand up for important causes, the less time I spend stressed out and fixated on them, the better. I have better things to do in the world.

But Monday still can't get here fast enough!

1 a.m. Prayer for Forgetting

Do you remember a dream
that was not about you?
Did it torment or soothe you 

or did neither one matter,
not thinking of you?

What did you see?
What did you hear?

Where were you,
or, did you wonder that?

Was it surreal 
or so real that you froze there?

Did you try to remember
yourself,
but could not?

Tell me,
If you have been there,
please, 

for I can't remember
not remembering me.

I implore you,
Teach me the way.

-Laura Marie Paxton,
09/17/14, 1 a.m.

Help Me Serve You, Lord

Help me serve you Lord, for I am too accustomed to serving mainly myself.

Help me serve you, Lord, with  all my heart and all my mind, for I am too used to the distraction of my selfish interests.

Help me serve you, Lord, for my salvation lies only in your service. To desire and to pursue becoming a master of others, a hero or a show-off is to choose the path taken by the evil one. 

Help me serve you, Lord, for only you can save us, have saved us, and will always save us. I know the path of self-glorification best and I don't have much experience with following your path. 

Help me serve you, Lord, for all you've ever done is serve us, while I complain and am ungrateful, as if you owe me something.

Help me serve you Lord, for you created a beautiful world. We were selfish and ungrateful, so you took on flesh and sacrificed that flesh to show us how there is no greater love than to seek to do your will through service. I am caught up in myself and I actually ignore how you gave me your all.

Help me serve you, Lord, for you are always there to save me, but in my selfish blindness, I demand that others rescue me and do your job as Savior.

Help me serve you, Lord, because all I seem to want to do is prove my worth and importance to you and to others through the "good" and "helpful" things I do.

Help me serve you, Lord, for only you can and have made a worthy sacrifice. Don't accept my gifts when they are tainted by my pride. Please, Lord, don't let me insult you that way.

Help me serve you, Lord. I am no good at this.

Lord, have mercy.

Amen.

Laura Marie Paxton
09/05/14