Infinite Ways to Get Nowhere

This is a poem I wrote last February.  I've always been an "explorer" and an "experimenter" in life. I'm the sort of person who will repeat the same failed experiment in life multiple times before giving up. And yet, I have. The results speak for themselves.

LOST and FOUND

It's so amazing how many ways to get lost

I marvel at the dark labyrinths and twisted roots in forest caverns

where my soul has wandered, cried and labored.

I cannot count the infinite ways to get nowhere.

There are joyful mirages and tragic truths, sleepy visions and chasing the wind.

I am an expert here.

Wasted reflections and agonized sighs,

Playful persuasions, hypnotic eyes.

I've been a vagabond of soul,

a restless spirit unsure where to go

when the past from where I started is destroyed.

But now, I have returned to me.

There are infinite ways to find ourselves,

in someone's eyes, in sunspun meadows, reaching out to reach back in,

where God's home is, in me.

Change of Heart

Welcome to my new blog, Carmel Heart!

Some may remember me as the author of Borderline and Beyond, a self-help book that I revised twice over the past fifteen years. Soon, the book will be published again as the original edition. I'm looking forward to returning to my simple roots, writing what is positive and practical.

Others may know me as the woman who made over seventy videos on YouTube about autism. Yes, I was diagnosed with autism later in life and found a new way to share about coping skills, through video. Yet, when I updated Borderline and Beyond with information about autism, the essence of the book was diluted. In the future, I'll be separating the subjects.

I've spent the past five years or so in reflection. Life wasn't going the way I wanted. I had gained a lot of the material things I wanted, including prestige, and yet my life was empty. New Age teaching that I thought was of solid benefit fell apart when I realized a life “all about me” and “learning to love myself” was empty and devoid of meaning. So, I dismantled pretty much my whole way of doing things, including letting my old website go. I decided I didn't care anymore about living just for me, so I didn't do much of anything at all until I converted to Catholicism and found a whole new way of life with meaning. That meaning is nourished through my study of the Carmelite tradition.

Carmel is a mountain range in northern Israel where the Carmelite tradition began with a sacrifice by Elijah, and continued as a community of hermits on Mount Carmel with the prophet Elias. The Carmelites were founded as a Christian order in the 12^th Century.

During a drought and famine, in a world that was lost and worshiping idols, Elijah brought bountiful truth to the heart and rain to the land.

Well, now I'm an aspirant for the Secular Order of Discalced Carmelites. The goal of this blog is not religion, but rather for me to write as much as possible from the spirit and heart of Carmel. But no, I'm not planning to be preachy. I'm not re-doing anything I've done before to make it religious. Religion has changed my heart, from a hardened heart to a more natural heart. But, it has not made me want to push more ideas, just more compassion.

The question I hope to answer through this blog is, “How can we re-infuse our lost, dead culture with vibrancy and life?” Join the discussion. Add your voice and ideas.

“Answer me, Lord, answer me, so that these people will know that you, Lord, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again.” -Elijah (1 Kings 18:37)